All guys are assholes, and all girls are bitches.

What do people complain about the most in life? Obviously there’s plenty of things up there, like work, money, sports, politics, family, the weather, etc. There’s an infinite list of stressors in this world that cause people to complain. But what tops that list?

The opposite gender.

People love, love, to complain about men and women. Girls love to tell their friends about how some guy failed to respond to her text messages. Guys love to complain about how some girl flirted with him and then turned him down when he asked for her number.

I can vouch for the guys’ side, obviously. If a girl turns him down, she’s labeled as a bitch, plain and simple. He’ll badmouth her to his friends and call her all sorts of impolite names that are synonymous with the word  “harlot.”

But I am always amused by the complaints from the female side. You hear:

“Where are all the good guys?”

“Why are all the good ones taken? Or gay?”

“All guys are assholes. Even the nice guys are assholes. It just takes them longer to show themselves.”

It makes me laugh because there’s no middle ground. When a girl likes someone, it means he either likes you back and he’s a saint, or he doesn’t like you back and he’s an asshole. That’s it.

But let me tell you all something that everyone in this world should have realized a long, long time ago. You ready?

Men and women are naturally incompatible. It’s a fact. We have different interests, different life aspirations and different states of mind. That’s all there is to it. Of course, there are men and women who do indeed find themselves to be compatible enough, and tolerate each other. And that’s how relationships are formed. But 99.9% of the time, they are not.

In other words, men and women are not programmed to be around each other 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

All guys don’t fall under the terms “nice guys” and “assholes.” Just like how all girls don’t fall under the labels “slut” and “nice girl.” Everyone is somewhere in the middle.

I mean, think about it for a minute. Just because a guy didn’t return your calls after a drunken hook-up, it doesn’t mean he’s an asshole. He just simply isn’t as interested as you. For a guy and girl to meet, and want the same exact things at the same exact time, is so freaking rare. So to chalk a guy up as a bad dude because he just wasn’t in to you at that moment in time, is nothing short of irrational. And yes, I used bold font for basically the first time ever. Emphasis was needed.

Just think of all the scenarios that exist when a man and woman share intimacy. Ready? And just to keep it consistent, I’m going to paint the man as the “bad guy” in all of these scenarios. But they could be reversed to go either way.

  1. Man and woman hook up. Man has no desire to hook up with her again. Woman tries to text him, he ignores. He’s an “asshole.”
  2. Man and woman hook up. Man is willing to hook up with her again when drunk, but that’s it. He mostly dismisses her texts but is nice and flirtatious to her when they’re out at a bar together and hook up a few more times. She finally catches on and tells him off. “He’s an asshole.”
  3. Man and woman hook up. Man is sort of interested and is initially receptive, but eventually backs off when she texts him too much. He’s an “asshole.”
  4. Man and woman hook up. He tells her he’s not interested in a relationship, and wants to keep it casual. She obliges but secretly wants a relationship. They keep hooking up but when it gets too serious he ends it and reinforces what he said earlier about not wanting a relationship. He’s an “asshole.”
  5. Man and woman hook up. He asks her on a date, and they do. After the date, he tells her he’ll call her again, but in reality he wasn’t feeling it and doesn’t. He’s an “asshole.”
  6. Man and woman hook up. He asks her out, and is interested in a relationship but not sure if she’s the one. So he gives her a max of three dates, because he knows anything more than that will make it serious. After the three-date trial, he tells her that they should stop seeing each other. He’s an “asshole.”
  7. Man and woman hook up. There is mutual interest for them to go on dates, and they do. The man has a seedling of doubt, though, but he wants to try it and to see where it goes. They date/hook up anywhere from 3 to 8 months, becoming ‘Facebook official’ along the way. He ends it when he realizes that his seedling of doubt was warranted and they have no future together. He’s an “asshole.”
  8. Man and woman hook up. They highly enjoy each other’s company, and date for a while, maybe years, before the man realized they are not destined to be man and wife. He tells her this. He’s an “asshole.”

And I’ll stop after that, because anything further is much more serious. In all of these scenarios, the guy comes out looking really bad in the girl’s eyes. She writes on Facebook about how “all men are assholes.”

But they’re not. Just like how not all women are bitches. This was simply just a case of two people not being on the same page. The same “good guys” who meet their eventual partners, fall in love and live happily ever after, were involved in one or more of these scenarios before that. That’s right, the love of your life was indeed an “asshole” once.

And those scenarios don’t even factor in other outside variables — like personal problems that might lead to you making these romantic decisions. Or perhaps you just got out of a serious relationship and are currently not looking for another. Maybe you just experienced a death or illness of a family member or close friend. Maybe you are having work problems.

So again, to repeat for emphasis — for two people to meet and be on the exact same page at the exact same time is very, very, very rare. Life is a long and harrowing experience, a lot of shit is going to happen over the course of your time on earth, and for you to be judged simply by how you treated a member of the opposite sex during one single occasion is asinine.

Is it understandable to be upset with somebody if they “wronged” you? Of course. I’m not taking that away from you. But maybe people need to understand that other people have their own lives, and their own thoughts, and their own problems. So just because you want them to like you, doesn’t mean they should. In most cases, they won’t.

The point of this whole spiel is that every guy in the world was, at some point, an asshole, and every girl in the world, was at some point, a bitch. But that doesn’t make them an asshole or a bitch. It just makes them people. That’s all.

And of course, I should mention that there are legit assholes in the world, like men who cheat on their girlfriends/spouses or beat their wife. They are true assholes.

But to lighten things up before I depart, I should mention that everybody’s favorite boy band One Direction is releasing a new album in November. It is called Up All Night. 

That’s one way to avoid being labeled as an asshole. Start a boy band and speak with a British accent.

You’ll do no wrong.

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