“Once in a blue moon…”

This Friday I am going to go out to a bar and I am going to flirt with as many girls as possible.

I am going to go girl by girl, shamelessly asking if they want to hook up with me. If they say no, I’ll accept my losses and move on to the next girl. I expect that I’ll get rejected in many different ways, but I am waiting for that one special type of rejection. I will approach the hottest girl I could find — a girl who is way out of my league and who I wouldn’t have a chance with even on my best day —  and I will ask her what the chances are of a guy like me hooking up with a girl like her.

She will look at me, possibly laugh, and say, “once in a blue moon.”

And then, I will promptly take her by the hand, escort her outside, and point her up towards the sky.

Why? Because this upcoming Friday, there will be a blue moon.

When she sees this blue moon, she will have no choice but to hook up with me, and she will know it. There is a binding legal contract, and you don’t break those. And that is how I will hook up with a beautiful girl on Friday night. It’s fail-proof.

Of course, it could be a really cloudy that night, and in that case, the plan will completely and utterly fail. So I guess it’s not completely fail-proof. In fact, I could tell you right now that it won’t work.

So what is a blue moon anyway? When people think of it, only one thing comes to mind.

Which may I add is the most overrated beer this side of a Corona. Yeah I know people will say “but… but… put an orange in it and it’s soOoOoOo good!” No, it’s not. It’s slightly less shitty, but with an orange.

As a huge advocate of wheat beers, I can personally attest that Blue Moon is crap. People only get excited to see it on tap because it’s a different beer that they are familiar with other than Budweiser.

Much more superior wheat beers include Hoegaarden, Palm and a new personal favorite of mine, Weihenstephaner (pronounced Why-Fin-Sty-Phin.) Or basically, anything that is Belgian or German not named Blue Moon. Okay, I’m done.

So a celestial blue moon means that it is the second full moon in a given month. Apparently, the first full moon occurred on Aug. 2. Twenty-nine days later, it is back again. When it occurs though, the moon is not actually blue, but dust particles and volcanic ash in the atmosphere sometimes give the appearance that the moon is blue. Hence, a blue moon.

And despite the phrase “Once in a blue moon,” a blue moon is apparently not that rare. They occur about once every 2.7 years, and the next blue moon will be visible in July 2015. So considering that it will be the last one in three years, that makes it a bit significant. Who knows what the hell will happen in the next three years. I’ll be 28 when that happens. *Shudders at the thought, then decides he’ll be a millionaire by the time he’s 28 and feels better*

The moon takes 29.5 to wax and wane and become full again, and since this is less than a calendar month, it will lead to two full moons in a single month on occasion. This is one of those months. In fact, in 1999, there were two blue moons in a two-month period! (There was no full moon in February that year.)

So from now until Friday, if someone laughs off your request by saying, “I’ll do that once in a blue moon,” then you can spin it right back at them and inform them that a blue moon will not only happen again soon, but this very week. Bam! Oh and to those who are actually wondering, the moon will reach its full phase at approximately 9:58 EST on Friday. Which means it’s during the day and not even visible. But try looking at night and check out that blue mofo, albeit not in its “fullest form.”

While I am talking about the moon, I should probably point out that Neil Armstrong died on Saturday, August 25 at the age of 82. He is not only known as being a distant cousin of Stretch Armstrong, but he is also known for being the first guy to walk on the moon.

His famous quote misinterpretation and conspiracy theories aside, this guy lived a fascinating life. And to me, it’s cool that he never even tried to profit off of it by writing a book or anything like that. Most jackasses nowadays will jump at the opportunity to cash in with a willing publisher, but Neil simply kept to himself. He didn’t overtly attempt to defy the nonsensical conspiracy theorists either, because he knew what he did. When you land on the goddamn moon, and are the first person ever to do it, you don’t have to answer to anybody after that. Ever. And you have to respect that.

Also, people like to brag about where they’ve been. I’ve been known to brag about even the most feeble vacations, such as New Hampshire or Washington D.C. But then you have that person who trumps you, and says they went to Las Vegas or Los Angeles.

And then you have that even bigger douchebag that will scoff, and state in the most obnoxiously inferior tone — “Yeah, that’s cute. I’ve been to Italy. Twice.”

Well, if Neil Armstrong was in that room, within earshot of the conversation, he could simply approach that arrogant, self-aggrandizing prick, look him or her straight in the eye and say, “I’ve been to the motherfucking moon.”

That you have, Neil. That you have.

RIP Neil.

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