America… rejoice.

I’ve never been more proud to be an American than I am today.

Even in 2003, when George W. Bush stood on the USS Abraham Lincoln and recited, “Mission accomplished,” when he allegedly indicated that the war with Iraq was over, have I never felt more proud.

Even last summer, when Seal Team 6 swooped into Islamabad and killed Osama Bin Laden, have I never felt more proud.

And even when I first watched Rocky IV, when Sylvester Stallone whooped Dolph Lundgren’s Soviet ass, have I never felt more proud.

Had I been alive for the 1980 Miracle on Ice, or D-Day, or the moon landing or even the final day of the freaking American Revolution, would I never feel a greater sense of nationalism than I do on this very day.


Earlier today, Music Television, better known as MTV, announced that Jersey Shore will be canceled after this season.


When I first heard the news, I nearly broke down to my knees in tears. That’s how excited I was. This nightmarish, horrifying, god-awful blemish on our great nation is finally fading away, lost in the aether of time, where it rightfully belongs.

I suppose it is fairly ironic that I would be saluting America for this, considering we were the ones who popularized it to begin with. However, I’ll cut people some slack. The show premiered in 2009 — what the hell else happened in 2009? Nothing. People were bored, needed something new, and Jersey Shore came around and occupied their attention.

America, I forgive you. Just don’t make the same mistake again.

The worst part about this show is — well, it’s hard to pick, actually. One of them is the fact that the cast is making $2 million each for the sixth and final season, which apparently is equal to how much the adults actors in the ABC hit show Modern Family make per year.

Another one of the worst parts is the fact that it gave us Snooki. Enough said.

But I think the very worst part is the fact that we tried to forcefeed the show onto other countries. Other nations must have looked at the Jersey Shore program and said, “Dear God, this is what Americans watch to occupy their time? No wonder their economy is in the shitter. But, whatever floats their boat — just keep it the hell away from us.”

And then what do we go and do? We ship these group of degenerates off to Italy. I mean, that’s just as bad as sending over an envelope of anthrax. *SIDE NOTE: I am not endorsing that — FBI do not investigate me*

In all seriousness, though, I’m just glad that I never have to hear about it again. Sure, the “actors” are all set for life financially (granted they don’t waste all of their money on drugs and alcohol, which they will), but at least they have to face the semi-harsh reality of finding new occupations. They won’t be shipped off to an expansive house and paid to make fools of themselves.

Now they actually have to discover something that they’re good at. But, knowing the television business these days, they’ll probably all just get their own individual reality show spinoffs. For shame. If that happens, I rescind my aforementioned congratulations towards America.

But until that happens, allow us to rejoice. Ding dong, the show is dead.

In other news of things coming to an end, Andy Roddick retired.

Gee, I wonder if he’s wearing a Lacoste shirt and hat for fun, or if there is any other incentive involved? I’m not sure.

To me, this is the least warranted attention anybody has ever received for retiring. Andy Roddick won one grand slam in his career. Yeah, I know, “But he played in the same era as Roger Federer! And Rafael Nadal! And Novak Djokovic!”

Well, if you want to be the best — the very best — then there was no better time to play. Yet, Roddick seemed perfectly content making it to the quarterfinals of grand slams before getting eliminated by one of those three guys, and taking his paycheck and going home. I’m not saying the guy wasn’t a competitor, but considering the hype surrounding him earlier in his career, I don’t see how you can label his career from a competitive standpoint as anything but a failure.

After winning the U.S. Open in 2003 at the ripe age of 21, he was primed to become the next American tennis sensation. Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras had just retired, and American fans were still interested in tennis. Roddick was the guy.

And then he never won again, and after a few years, Americans lost interest in the sport as it became dominated by the Swiss, Spanish and Serbs. The three S’s.

Again, I’m not saying Roddick didn’t accomplish a lot, and I’m sure he won a ton of minor tournaments — and obviously we know he’s made a fortune in his career, but, I just can’t believe he wishes to throw in the towel without feeling compelled to trump the “Big 3” once and for all and take home one more title.

He’s retiring after the U.S. Open — in which he is still currently involved (he plays his third round match tomorrow), so if he miraculously wins it, and rides of into the sunset into retirement, then I’ll eat my words. It’s actually going to be pretty crazy watching the fan support that he’s going to receive during his next matches. The crowd will be nuts and it will be must-see TV. So perhaps it will motivate him. We shall see.

Actually, I take it all back. I’d probably retire too if it meant getting to spend more time with this:

Seriously, how the hell did he pull that off?

Oh, that’s right. He’s rich.

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