Leaving a party might be one of the most stressful human experiences

Anybody who knows me knows that I am always DTP. That means “down to party.” I have never used that acronym before, nor have I ever heard any one use it before, but I just did.

I love being social and I like talking to various people at once. Basically, I greatly enjoy parties where a lot of my friends will be there. It’s never a bad thing to just stick to your small circle of friends in a social setting, and hang out with them. However, I’m not the type of person who likes to stick to one spot. I like to work the room and talk to as many different people as possible.

That’s the fun part. You’re simply just hanging out, enjoying some laughs, having some drinks and enjoying the overall ambiance of the evening.

But then comes the time when the party starts to end. For one reason another, you come to the decision that you should probably get going.

And then the anxiety kicks in. I am probably one of the worst people at leaving a party that has ever existed. Whenever I leave, I actually somehow make myself feel bad about it. I make myself think that I am insulting the host by leaving before the night is actually 100% over.

So I always have to come up with some excuse. Like, “Oh, I’m tired,” or “Oh, I gotta do a lot of shit tomorrow, so…” I can never just say, “I’m leaving.”

And then when I’m having this conversation with said host, I always end up unnecessarily prolonging it by making some weird statement like, ‘I had such a great time, blah blah blah…” and maybe I’ll bring up some anecdote from the night. And then I’ll try to think of when the next time I’ll see the person is, so I can say something alone the lines of, “I’ll see you in a few weeks at Carl’s party…” or some shit like that. And then I’ll probably execute a second handshake before I walk away. As I’m walking, I’ll wonder how the hell I managed to make a simple goodbye so awkward.

But then you’re only getting started. From there, you have to say bye to everybody else you know at the party, and repeat the entire process for every single one of them. And every time, the person will say, “Aww, you’re leaving already?” So by the time you’re done, you’ll have had to have given about 14 different excuses as to why you are leaving when you are.

And if you’re at a party where your friend’s family is there — like a graduation party — then forget it. You’re screwed. You can’t say goodbye to your friend’s parents as fast as you can with your friends. You have to have an entire conversation, and then you have to go in for the awkward kiss on the cheek. They’ll probably insist for you to stay longer, or take home food, and you probably somehow will end up with a Tupperware full of chopped liver.

And then you have to say goodbye to the people you just met at the party, and say some awkward things like, “Maybe we’ll run into each other again when we’re all hanging out,” or “Facebook friend me, yo!”

Seriously, I wish I was like a magician, where I can simply throw some pixie dust on the ground and disappear at will.

Of course, you could always just leave without saying goodbyes, and hope that nobody will even notice. But for some stupid reason, I have some sense of moral obligation to say goodbye to everybody. If somebody is in the bathroom while I am saying my goodbyes, then I’ll wait. It’s a horrible, horrible flaw in my personality.

One way to solve this dilemma would be to simply stop going to parties. By doing so, I avoid the stress of having to leave. Of course, if that were the case, I would have no friends.

Perhaps this is just a problem that popular people encounter. If I were a loser, then I wouldn’t even have anybody to say goodbye to in the first place.

So in conclusion, I am awesome. Good night.

Also, rest in peace Michael Clarke Duncan. As every other person in the world will say on Facebook and Twitter, “You were awesome in the Green Mile.”

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