Whether you enjoy watching football or not, its imminent return is going to drastically alter your life.
For football fans, it’s for the better. For non-football fans, it’s for the worse. There are very few people in our country whose lives remain exactly the same upon the return of football.
Namely, it’s going to affect how you go about your Sundays. This is obviously because the majority of games are played on Sunday. Between day games, night games, fantasy football, trash-talking with fans of other teams, inviting friends over for drinks and food to watch the games, breaking out your jerseys, whatever. Lots of things are going to happen.
Whenever football comes back for a new season, I always find myself wondering how I ever survived Sundays without it. It completely changes everything.
And now, I am going to generalize extravagantly, and narrate the inner dialogue of a Sunday, both from the guy’s and girl’s perspective, during both football and non-football season. Ready?
A SUNDAY DURING NON-FOOTBALL SEASON
“Oh shit, how much did I drink last night? I can’t believe how hung over I am. What time is it? 11? I am going to sleep for the next three hours. And then I think I’ll eat some Frosted Flakes. or whatever is in the closet. And then I think I’ll watch a movie or something. I do not plan to achieve a single thing today. In fact, I really don’t even plan to leave my bed, if everything goes my way.”
“Oh my, oh my, oh my, so much to do today! I think I am going to wake up at 8 a.m. and head straight to the salon for a mani/pedi, and then I’ll take a trip down to the mall and see if there’s anything good there. Hmm, where are my giant sunglasses that cover half my face? I have to wear those. When I get back, I think I’ll cook a nice meal, and then I’ll snuggle with my boyfriend on the couch and we’ll watch a romantic comedy. This is going to be a great day!”
A SUNDAY DURING FOOTBALL SEASON
“IT’S FOOTBALL TIME, BITCH! Oh man, I’ve been waiting all week for this shit. I’ve got the six-pack in the fridge, wings are on their way, and I’ve already sent the girlfriend away to the mall. I am going to sit right here on this couch all day, maybe get up once or twice to go to the bathroom, and watch football until there’s no games left. But first I need to make some last-minute changes to my fantasy team. Who am I playing today? Oh man, I better beat that douche! FOOTBALL, FOOTBALL, FOOTBALL! Oh and if my team loses, nobody better talk to me for the whole goddamn week.”
Of course, I am perfectly aware of the fact that a lot of girls watch football. I’ve noticed that over the past few years. More and more girls — at least pretend — that they care about football. It could simply be a byproduct of their boyfriends being fans and making them watch it. Or perhaps they got into college football while at their university and it carried it over to the NFL. Who knows.
All I know is that it is T-minutes 45 minutes until opening kickoff of the very first game of this season, and I can not wait.
There’s just something so comforting about sitting on a couch while eating the shittiest food imaginable, drinking a beer and letting your gut hang out while watching the nation’s premiere athletes beat the ever-loving shit out of each other.
It may be a little barbaric. But it’s prime entertainment.