The return of Prohibition?

Words cannot describe how irate I am at what transpired today.

This morning, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg and his board of health voted unanimously to ban alcohol from being served in New York City. Henceforth, no longer can we venture from bar to bar in the New York City streets, wafting in the night as the sweet taste of alcohol cleanses our palates.

I truly never thought this day would come. Mayor Bloomberg — that tyrant, that draconian being — has officially taken all the fun out of life.

Prohibition, once again, is upon us, and the world will… never… wait, what? *listens to the producer speaking in his ear*

So, he didn’t ban alcohol? You’re telling me that he banned… soda? Soda? Why?

Oh, ok. Fat people. Yeah that makes sense, I guess. Whew, that’s a relief.

see yaaaaa

In case you hadn’t heard the news, large sugary drinks that exceed 16 oz. in size are officially banned from New York City. As someone who doesn’t drink soda, Slurpees, shakes, or whatever hell comes in a 16+ oz. cup, this means absolutely nothing to me. In fact, the only people who will actually be perturbed by this law are fat people.

On one hand, I suppose that you have to appreciate that New York city officials are not only cognizant of the growing problem that is obesity in the world, but that they actually attempted to do something about it. You can’t physically stop people from eating. You can’t have police go around and slap cheeseburgers out of people’s hands. So this was probably the best that Bloomberg could do.

And on the other hand, you can only laugh that this was actually a big issue, and that there were people who were adamantly protesting this law, and lastly, that this was top news. Banning large sugary drinks will not put an end to crime, poverty or excessively high taxes. And yet, this has been something that Mayor Bloomberg has been working on for several months.

First of all, if people truly want their 18 oz. of soda, what is going to stop them from purchasing a 12 oz. beverage and a 6 oz. beverage at the same time? Or purchasing a refill? In the end, they drink the same amount, and they spend more money. Regardless of this law, fat people are still going to do fat things.

Also, I’d rather have the NYPD on the lookout for things like, you know, burglaries, shootings and gang activity, and not some 17-year-old kid with acne and glasses carrying a Big Gulp.

On that note, can you imagine actually being arrested for drinking a 20 oz. beverage, and then being shipped off to a New York City jail cell? I can just imagine the conversation that night among all the prisoners in the holding cell.

“So, what are you in for?”

“I stabbed a dude in the back because he looked at me funny.”

“I sold heroin to an undercover cop.”

“I drank too much cherry coke.”

Guess who’s getting shanked that night?

Okay, I know the purpose of the law is to end the distribution of these drinks at restaurants, street carts and movie theaters, and that officers won’t actually be prowling the streets looking for people drinking them. Or maybe they will. Who knows. And who even cares.

And everyone knows that when alcohol was banned in the 20s, major cities became dominated by speakeasies. Who is going to be the first brave soul to open a speakeasy for the sole purpose of selling extra-large soft drinks? In fact, you can even disguise the establishment as a bar, and sell the drinks in the back. Talk about the ultimate form of irony!

Finally, Jay-Z need to update the lyrics to Empire State of Mind. “These streets will make you feel brand new/ 16 oz. drinks are taboo/ only in New Yoooooork…” Man, that’s good. I’m posting that on Facebook. Done.

All this typing has really made me crave a Slurpee.

In other news, this week was a fantastic week for music lovers, with new album releases by The Killers, The Avett Brothers, Grizzly Bear, the XX and Dinosaur Jr. If you can get your hands on a torre– err, I mean, the albums on iTunes, you should go for it.

As somebody who is always on the lookout for discovering new bands, I came across a couple of interesting ones the other night. This one band, called Bombadil, is an indie-folk band, and the fact that they may be named after Tom Bombadil — a character from Lord of the Rings — already makes them amazing.

However, there’s this one song by them that is the most quirky yet awesome song I have ever heard. And to date, is the best musical interpretation of awkwardness that I have ever encountered.

For awkward people everywhere, who can’t do anything without being awkward, listen to this song. It’s about a dude trying to tell a girl that he likes her more than a friend, but of course, he can’t do it without making the situation as awkward as humanly possible.

Give ‘er a listen:

So good. I like to pretend I’m smooth, but in the extremely, extremely rare instance when I actually do have significant feelings for a girl — this is totally me.

By the way, it just occurred to me that during the time I was writing this entire blog, I downed a 32 oz. lemon-lime Gatorade.

REBEL.

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