I understand now why all celebrities are good looking

I wanted ever so badly to blog yesterday, but I simply could not muster the energy. So many times I stared at the computer, almost willing myself to write something, but instead, like the true American that I am, I chose to do nothing.

Why was I so tired? No I did not pull off a 12-hour bender full of cocaine and alcohol at a strip club, but instead I was up in Connecticut witnessing the matrimony of my cousin. It’s the fifth wedding I’ve attended in the past two years, and despite the fact that one of them was actually a gay marriage, I’d still say that this one was the most unique.

Instead of the reception being held in a church, it was held in the backyard of the groom’s family’s house. They have a pretty sizable house in Branford, Connecticut, and they decorated the backyard with a tent, lights, lanterns, candles, etc. It was actually quite beautiful.

Furthermore, the reception lacked chairs. Well, besides four or five chairs for those who required to be seated for medical purposes, that is. The entire reception was viewed by the approximately 100 attendee in a standing position. It was pretty cool because who the heck wants to sit down for 35 minutes listening to some minister ramble on? It is by far the worst part of every wedding. But standing outdoors on a brisk autumn day in the wilderness was far from boring.

Finally, the wedding also lacked a best man and a maid of honor.

And then, after, that, it became like every other wedding. Booze, dancing and music — what more do you need? As per my last blog, I continued my foray into my newfound love of wine, and proceeded to drink almost an entire bottle by myself. I have no regrets.

For obvious reasons, you never ever think of your cousin as being “attractive” or anything like that. It never occurs to you. You might mention to a friend one time that you have female cousins, and they’ll inevitably ask, “Is she hot?” and you’ll respond by saying, “I don’t fucking know, man. She’s my cousin.” It’s a thought that you don’t even want to occur to you. Ever.

That being said, I’d have to be blind to not acknowledge that my cousin looked beautiful during her wedding. Like, as in, she could have passed for a celebrity.

And it stands to reason, because your wedding day will probably represent the most attention you’ll ever receive in your lifetime, so naturally you want to go out all out as far as looking your best. And then I thought further about it and realized, during every wedding I’ve ever been to, the bride always looked very, very good.

So that’s when I further realized why every celebrity, every model and every woman who has ever been on television always looks pretty — because they spend the majority of their income on the best stylists, hairdressers and fashionistas who can make them look as pretty as possible.

If every girl tried to look as good every day as they do on their wedding day, they’d be considered universally gorgeous by any one who has ever laid eyes on them. And with celebrities, they do try to look as good every day as they do on their wedding day. Or, for most celebrities, I should say on their wedding days. Because you know, celebrity marriages have a shelf life of crab bisque.

If all of these beautiful people we see on TV and in the movies were forced to do their own makeup, without any other help, they would not look half as good. It doesn’t mean that all celebrities are naturally ugly, but they’re not as good-looking as we think.

Shit, I’m sure if I somehow ended up on American Idol, that their stylists could pretty me up to the point where girls might consider me “dreamy.” And it’s not because I was born with god given handsomeness, but because those seven-figure-a-year stylists are damn freaking good at their jobs. Plus I have nice hair.

Girls should spend as much money as they need to look beautiful on their wedding day. But every day? It honestly doesn’t sound like it’s worth it, and if that is what it takes to be famous these days, well, consider me happy to be an Average Joe. I’m sure most girls feel the same way.

I blame Kim Kardashian for all of this. I’m not entirely sure why, but I’m certain she is to blame.

But yeah, anyway, I had a wonderful time at the wedding.

Speaking of beautiful celebrities, the Emmys aired last night. I may be wrong, but I can’t remember there ever being more funny people associated with television than there are right now. It seemed like every five minutes an A-list comedian, actor or variety host would be out there cracking jokes. It was great.

One thing I noticed is that yellow is apparently the new color of choice. At least it was last night.

And it’s not even that they all wore yellow, but the three dresses are almost the exact same shade of yellow. Did these women call each other up the night before and plan this? Do girls do that?

Firstly, I adore Claire Danes with all of my heart and soul. I think she’s incredibly talented and stunningly gorgeous. If I had an extra ticket to a concert, and I just happened to know Claire’s number, I would totally text her and see if she wanted to come with me. And if she said no I would probably just put an open invitation on Facebook and pray that a hot chick responds. But they wouldn’t.

Okay, and I can’t think of anyone else who deserves a “How the hell did THAT happen?!” inquiry than Julie Bowen. She had a prominent role as Adam Sandler’s love interest in Happy Gilmore more than fifteen years ago, and somehow she’s gotten way hotter. I can’t imagine there is a hotter 42-year-old in the universe than Julie Bowen, and I’m not even saying that because she’s famous and pays a fortune for her makeup.

And speaking of MILFs, Julianne Moore is 51, and looks pretty damn good for her age. I certainly have no complaints there.

Apparently yellow was the key to success as well, because all three of these women took home hardware last night. And unfortunately, by hardware, I do not mean my schlong.

Lastly, before I stop typing, I’m sure you all heard about Green Day’s Billy Joe Armstrong’s meltdown on stage during the iHeartRadio music festival in Las Vegas on Friday.

Green Day is of course promoting their new album right now, and Billy Joe may have negatively affected how well the record will sell among 12-15 year-old girls after he mocked Justin Bieber mercilessly. I personally had no problem with it whatsoever.

The story was that Usher’s set ran too long, and so not to shorten Rihanna’s set, Green Day was only given 25 minutes to perform. That’s like six songs.

So I do understand his frustration. However, you should expect these type of things when you play at these commercially driven festivals with other acts like Usher and Rihanna. And then, the following day, Green Day released this statement on their Facebook page:

Billie Joe is seeking treatment for substance abuse. We would like everyone to know that our set was not cut short by Clear Channel and to apologize to those we offended at the iHeartRadio Festival in Las Vegas. We regretfully must postpone some of our upcoming promotional appearances.

Oh boy.

I don’t think there’s any question that, in this instance, Billy Joe was one of those melodramatic fools, neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it.

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