Asking out a girl by text message

Let’s face it, chivalry is dead. And whatever it was that replaced chivalry is also dead. And that was before technology went ballistic and gave us what we have today.

As little as 25 years ago, you had men showing up on the front doors of women’s houses, wearing a suit, and asking the father if he has his permission to take his daughter on a date.

Now, you have guys asking girls out through text messaging and Facebook. We don’t even call anymore. And seriously, who actually calls people anymore? The only person who calls me is my grandma. My mom and dad contact me through text messaging now.

I feel like if I called a girl to ask her out, it would startle her. She wouldn’t even know how to react and it would deter from the asking-out process. So why bother?

So that leaves text messaging. I can proudly state that I may have the worst text messaging game of any man on this planet. And by planet I only mean the cool countries whose citizens can afford cell phones. Screw you Kenya, LOL!

But seriously, asking a girl out through a text message is an emasculating experience. You badly overthink what you want to say, and at the end of the day you end up writing some awkward, nonsensical essay. I really wish I could text a girl and just be like “Yo girl, you me and tomorrow night? What do you say?” And somehow I want Barry White music playing in the background while she reads that.

Instead, my texts are so elongated and wordy that the girl probably reads it without even realizing that I am trying to ask her out. She probably thinks I had a seizure mid-text message and just spewed out random words.

But you know what? I think I am not alone on this. Having “text message game” is even more difficult than having real-life game. Maybe there is the James Dean of texting somewhere out there, but the rest of the world is full of text-message versions of Jesse Eisenberg.

In fact, I’ll invite you into the world of how a man asks out a girl through text message, step-by-step. You ready?

1) You pick the right time of the day. When you used to call a girl to ask her out, you had to do it when you had free time, and weren’t around people so not to be overheard. With texting, that becomes irrelevant.

However, even if you are having a slow day at work, you never want to send the text between 12 and 2 p.m. That just makes it seem like you are a slacker who doesn’t actually do anything during the day. So you have to wait until about 3 p.m. at the earliest, but post-4 p.m. would be better.

2) You start thinking about what you want to say. The first word is integral — you could go with “Hey” or “Yo,” and then you have to decide how many letters you want to use, as in “Heyyyy” or “Yooo.” I personally like to go with one extra letter.

And then you have to make a commitment as to whether you are planning to incorporate “lol” or “haha.” It’s one or the other, and it’s either you do or you don’t. If you use both in the same message, that’s a disaster. Personally, I try to avoid them.

So finally you write out your message, and of course you’ll leave a line in there that says “if you can’t come, that’s totally cool!!” just to try to save face if she says no.

After 20 minutes of mixing and matching words and sentences, you have your first draft.

3) Condense your message. When you’re done, you’ll realize that you have written more words than you did for half of your college papers. So you take out a sentence, maybe cut another line in half, and then you have your final draft.

4) Before sending it to the girl, you send it to your friend for a second opinion. He’ll probably tell you that what you wrote is an embarrassment, that you should make it shorter, and get straight to the point quicker. The two of you will go back and forth for half-an-hour, scrutinizing every little word and eventually compromising on what to leave in and what to leave out.

Finally, finally, you have your finished copy.

5) You anxiously wait for the right moment to send it. During that time, you read it over in your head about fifteen times, trying to imagine how you would respond if you were the recipient of this message. But still, you save it as a draft, and wait a little while longer.

6) After about an hour, you finally man up. Your finger hovers over the ‘send’ button, a bead of sweat trickles down your forehead, and finally you push your finger forward a few inches to physically touch the send button on your phone, and your finger is trembling the whole time. Without even thinking, you toss your phone as far away as possible, having no desire to see what the response is.

7) You let your phone sit there for at least thirty minutes. You don’t want to know what the result is. You just want to go about your life, pretending that nothing happened. Finally, after a while, you pick it up, and you see if you have a text message.

Maybe you do and maybe you don’t. Obviously, the first step is even receiving a response. Trust me, it wouldn’t be the first time that you’ve been ignored.

And then when (if) you do get a text message, you hope it is indeed from her, and not one of your loser friends sending you a sports update.

But, excitedly, it is her! You sigh with relief that you’ve gotten past step 1 — acknowledgement. However, you put the phone back down, not ready for the response. You wait another thirty minutes.

8) You pick up your phone approximately six different times, but each time you end up putting it down again, allowing yourself to become distracted by something else. You even manufacture distractions. You make yourself think you’re thirsty, so you put the phone down and go to your kitchen to get some water. You make yourself think you may have received an important email, so you put the phone down and go on your laptop.

But finally, you check the text message. However, you don’t outright read it, and instead you put your hand over the words. Slowly, you slide your hand over, reading the response letter-by-letter. After this completely unnecessary process, your mind starts functioning the key words, such as “yes” or “no” or “but” or “sorry.”

After you know whether it’s a yes or no, you read the response in full, and you are left with elation or pure disappointment. Unfortunately for me, the majority of the time it is pure disappointment. And in some cases, she actually sent you a question back, and you realize that you just wasted two hours of valuable response time and she probably forgot about you already. But still, it’s a hell of a lot better than receiving a “no,” or even worse — being ignored.

And there you go.

You know what? If this made me realize anything, it’s that asking a girl out over the phone, or — dare I say it? — in actual person is a lot less stressful than doing it by texting. It’s faster, more succinct, and within seconds, you’re done. No stress, no anxiety, and you can sooner move on with your life.

No wonder everybody is so nervous and stressed out all of the time. It’s because smart phones and Facebook have completely changed the way men court women, and it scares the ever loving shit out of us.

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