First large soft drinks, and now bacon?!

The Internet went haywire last week when a press release by Britain’s National Pig Association (yes, that exists) stated that a bacon shortage is inevitable, due to a decline in Europe’s pig herd. The release further states that pig farmers are feeling the effects of rising prices for pig-feed costs, because of a global failure in maize and soya harvests.

Maize = corn.

Soya = bean.

Anyway, cries of despair were heard from every corner of our nation, from New York City to Dallas to Los Angeles and even up to the hipsters in Portland, Oregon. It was as if on the following day, you could hear one collective groan from all the fatties of our nation.

Bacon is something that is definitely considered a “luxury food.” Nobody eats bacon by itself, but they are more than happy to add it to a meal. Whether it’s with eggs, or adding it to their turkey or chicken sandwich, people love bacon.

It’s not a coincidence that fat people enjoy bacon more than skinny people. In fact, there is a direct correlation. If you have no qualms about devouring bacon at any given time, then it probably means that you are not too concerned about your diet as a whole. If you eat a lot of bacon, then it probably means you also eat a lot of ice cream. It’s all intertwined.

If bacon was taken away from us, it would have absolutely zero effect on our livelihoods. Bacon is not mandatory for any activity that benefits human existence. In fact, it could only improve people’s health.

Just three weeks, ago New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg banned large soft drinks in New York City, as a means of preventing obesity in New York. Taking away bacon would have the same desirable effect. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Bloomberg actually traveled across the globe, personally picking all of the maize and soya crops to cause this potential bacon shortage.

Regardless, it will not matter, because new reports suggest that the alleged bacon shortage is, in fact ‘baloney’ — OH MY GOD SO CLEVER — and that bacon will indeed remain on the shelves, albeit at a bit of an increased cost. So in short, fatties are going to have to cough up a little more dough to get their fix.

People of the world — rejoice.

Actually don’t. If every fat bacon-lover started jumping for joy right now it would probably cause an earthquake. We don’t need that.

But I suppose I shouldn’t be too harsh. Everybody indulges in bacon every now and then. Unless you’re a vegetarian, obviously. However, the only time I eat bacon is when I go out for breakfast, which is like once a month, maybe. When I am staring at a breakfast menu, and probably hung over, I’m not going to go out of my way to not order bacon.

Every meal on a breakfast menu includes bacon. Every one. You get two eggs, toast, home fries, bacon and coffee for like $4.50, so why the hell would I ask them to exclude the bacon? I’m not that principled. 

Alright, I also eat chicken club sandwiches once every few weeks. There’s a deli nearby that makes it way too good for me to ignore. Trust me, I am aware of the horrors that pigs endure when they are butchered. I know it happens, but I choose to remain ignorant… most of the time. Incidentally, do NOT Google image the words “pig” and “bacon” together at the same time like I just did. It will seriously ruin your day.

I just figured that if I am going to mock bacon-eaters, I should ‘fess up and admit that I do eat bacon sometimes too. That being said, if I was told that I could never eat bacon again, I seriously would not care. I would get on just fine.

But anyway, I just thought it was humorous that this projected bacon shortage caused such an outcry. Reports were written, Facebook status were made, tweets were… tweeted, as people shamelessly declared their love for bacon, and practically denouncing life without it.

In all seriousness, would there be as much of an outcry if the National Air Association announced that there may be an air shortage upcoming? I think all the bacon lovers would think, “Air? I can’t eat that!” and then continue with their ham and cheese sandwich.

If there was a broccoli shortage, would anyone even know?

If there was a shortage in the amount of girls who wanted to sleep with me, would even know?

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