There are certain types of clothing men wear that you just know women drool over. The most obvious one that comes to mind is a uniform. Countless times you hear women discuss how attractive they find men who wear uniforms, particularly of the Navy variety. I discussed this ad nauseum when it was Fleet Week in New York City earlier this year.
Unfortunately, I am a coward, so I will never join the Navy, or any form of the military. Not even the freaking Coast Guard. So unless I decide to be one of the Village People for Halloween, I will never get to have my own heartthrob experience in a uniform.
But there’s another one. All of the time you see dudes rocking their wavy hair, rugged beards, plain black t’s and jeans, and maybe a scarf, and you just know — you know — girls see this and swoon.
Heck, even when I see this I become a little envious in a non-gay way. I always wished that I could pull off a plain black t-shirt. I always figured that you need a really nice body to be able to pull it off, because the t-shirt will accentuate it. In other words, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone look bad in a black t-shirt. And that’s because I think the only people who wear black t-shirts are people who know they can pull it off.
It’s not that I really have a shitty body or anything, but I’m not a supermodel. I just never thought it was something that suited me.
However, I was at the Gap last week, and I saw a stack of t-shirts on sale for only $10 each. So I bought a few of them. I bought a charcoal colored one, a navy blue, and yes, a plain black one. It was an intimidating decision. I almost thought that the cashier would laugh in my face and disallow me from buying it. But they did not. Probably because they would get fired if they did.
Anyway, I brought the shirts home and I put them in my closet. That weekend, I decided to break out one of them. I knew it would be wise to ease myself into the black shirt, so I decided to wear the charcoal first.
As soon as I put it on, I couldn’t believe it. The shirt clung to my body as if it was made for me. The soft material felt like cotton balls caressed against my skin. The darkness of the shirt somehow made it look like I had a decent body.
It was a moment of catharsis. I had discovered the secret to looking good — dark-colored t-shirts. So I went out that night, unshaven and messy-haired, and felt like a boss. I didn’t hook up with any girls of course, but that will come in time.
Anyway, a couple of days later, I knew it was time. When I took the black t-shirt off my closet rack, I almost felt it radiating in my hand. It was as if this shirt was the missing piece of the puzzle to my entire life. I felt like how Frodo must have felt when he first held the One Ring.
I put it on and when I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see myself — I saw James Dean. Not only did the shirt look good, but it looked too good. I felt like I was overdressed for work, and that I might distract my female co-workers with my ravishing appearance.
Men of the world, I implore you — for those who have been seeking for that one shirt, that one god forsaken shirt that will make them look good… look no further. The answer all along was so simple. Collars, buttons and colors are not necessary.
Just don’t do a V-neck, though. Because that’s just taking it one step too far and sends the wrong message to the entire world. Stick to the round neck, trust me.
The best part about the black t-shirt is that it does not give the impression that you are trying too hard. Girls will look at you and suddenly find you more attractive than usual, but they will not realize why.
I seriously cannot believe that I’ve lived 25 years, six months and two days without discovering this secret. Simon Cowell apparently got the memo a long time ago, but alas, I did not. He also got the memo on how to make money, which I also missed.
I did get the memo, however, on how to start a blog.
Talk about getting the shittiest memo imaginable.