Girls who complain on Facebook about their boyfriends not being home earlier

Let me begin by personally thanking the lovely people who reminded me that today’s date was 10/11/12. In all sincerity, I don’t know how I would have made it through this day if I was not informed six different times about the significance of today’s date.

You see, because it’s, like, one number after the other. In sequence. So that’s, like, really cool. I am told that the next 10/11/12 will not happen again for 100 years, when it’s Oct 11, 2022, and I will then be 135 years old and too dead to realize what the date is.

Well, guess what? The next 10/11/12 will not occur for 100 years, but you know what will occur in just a little over a year? The date 11/12/13. In fact, a year, after that, we will get 12/13/14! And last year, we had 9/10/11.

THIS SHIT HAPPENS EVERY YEAR. Last year we had 11/11/11 and in two months we’ll have 12/12/12. It’s not very difficult to find patterns when dates consist of six numbers. So all of you calendar nerds need to shut the hell up, leave your house and get laid. For once. For the love of God, meet a freaking girl.

Okay, now that that’s out of my system, I’d like to move onto another Facebook trend I’ve realized recently.

Often, around 6 or 7 p.m., I’ll log onto my Facebook, and I’ll see a Facebook status from one of my female friends that reads, “It’s 7 o’clock and Billy isn’t home yet! ūüė¶ ” I just made up the name Billy, because it sounds like a pathetic name and if you’re posting this status on Facebook, it probably means you are a pathetic person who has a pathetic boyfriend. I mean, the nerdy Power Ranger had the name Billy. Think about that.

I know I complain a lot about what people write on Facebook, but I can’t imagine anything that is worse than this.

When I read a Facebook status, I am looking for three things and three things only.

1) Humor. It never hurts to laugh. If I read a status, or glance at a photo, and it makes me laugh, then that is time well spent. Laughing means you are enjoying yourself in some shape or form. So if you made me laugh, then thank you. I appreciate it.

2) Knowledge. I also appreciate it when somebody posts a link to an article that contains information on an interesting topic that I was not aware of. Obviously the person posted the link because it is something that they personally found interesting, so they wished to share it with the world. It never hurts to know more. Remember that, kids.

3) Reminders.¬†What I mean by this is that I often learn about a¬†television¬†program that is on because somebody posted about it on Facebook. For example, five minutes ago somebody just posted a status about the Vice Presidential Debate, which I had forgotten about. So I put it on, and I thank the person who posted about it. This happens regularly, whether it’s a debate, a sporting event or a television show.

That’s it. There’s really nothing else I am looking for, and anything else is completely and utterly useless to me. So a post where you are complaining that your boyfriend is not home yet, well, not only does that fail to behoove my life in any way, shape or form, but it pisses me off.

Firstly, if you’re complaining about your boyfriend not being home yet, it means you live together. If you live together, it means you pretty much see each other all of the time. It also means you sleep in the same bed.

What more do you want? Do you want him to be permanently handcuffed to your arm, just like Sidney Potier and Tony Curtis in the 1958 classic The Defiant Ones?

Girls, I truly hate to break this to you, but as much as your boyfriend loves you — and I’m sure he does truly love you ¬†— he¬†does not¬†want to see you 24/7. He’s content with being at work for a few hours, and then seeing you when he gets home. Again, it’s not because he doesn’t love you, he loves you to death, but he wants to be on his own for a little while each day. It’s just the way we function. To us, 17/7 is¬†preferable¬†to 24/7.

But let’s get back to the psychological aspect of this. I still haven’t answered why girls feel the need to post these statuses on Facebook. I suppose I can understand how after a long day of work, a girl gets home and she wants to cuddle with her boyfriend on the couch while eating some crappy dinner she made and watching¬†Dancing With the Stars on ABC. That sounds like a mighty fine evening.

But why, instead of texting him and asking where he is, do you post about it on Facebook? Well the obvious answer to me is that you are searching for attention, and at the same, you want to show off the fact that you and your boyfriend are really, really close. And by close, I mean emotionally — obviously not physically if you are posting about his current vacancy within the home.

Girls love being in relationships not just for the comfort of having a lifelong companion, but to brag about the fact that they are in a relationship. This is all just a crossover of that.

Am I being a little harsh? Maybe. But come on, don’t say you’ve never seen these statuses, and that it doesn’t piss you off. If I had a girlfriend who did such a thing, I would probably log onto Facebook, go to my relationship status, and change it to “single.” Then I would comment on her status and say, “I AIN’T COMING HOME, BITCH.” And then I’d probably come home and say I was joking after I find her crying in a corner and then have to spend the following week conducting damage control.

Yeah, I’m never getting married.

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