Halloween is a mere sixteen days away, and it is about that time when people start deciding what they want to dress up as to mark the occasion.
In life, we will face many big decisions. There will be job offers we must either accept or decline, with both decisions severely affecting our lives.
You must make a choice on an individual of the opposite gender, and decide, truly, that you will make the pact to love him or her forever.
Much later down the road, you must decide who you wish to inherit your money and possessions when death is inevitable.
And right up there, you have to decide what you want to be for Halloween.
Are there people out there who still actually need help determining their Halloween costumes? Most of us have now been dressing up for 20+ Halloweens in our lives, and you still can’t decide what you want to be? First of all, there’s an entire plethora of generic options that you can choose from in every year, like a black cat, a werewolf or a witch, for starters. Secondly, maybe you should try considering pop culture, and think about what was popular and relevant this year, and then use your creativity to put together a costume.
The process behind deciding on a Halloween costume does not change every year. It’s always the same. So for you to actually be so stymied that you feel compelled to seek help on Facebook, then that is mind-boggling to me.
The other day I saw one of my Facebook friends write on Facebook about how he “needs suggestions for a Halloween costume.”
And then right underneath I see somebody who I don’t know chime in with some asinine comment like, “DERRR I THINK YOU SHOULD BE A PUMPKIN,” and then my Facebook friend says, “Wow, that’s a great idea!”
If you spend more than five minutes thinking of a Halloween costume, you’re doing it wrong. If you have to ask other people for help in choosing your costume, you’re doing it wrong. And if you spend more than twenty minutes actually making your costume, then guess what? You’re doing it wrong.
I have said for years that the best Halloween costumes require the bare minimum amount of effort. In fact, allow me to instill you with a little bit of wisdom. Here are the keys that lead to the best Halloween costume.
1. Subtlety. So many people try way too hard when it comes to making their costumes. You can take one look at it, and instantly tell that they spent hours, if not days, crafting their costume. For that amount of effort, your costume better be flawless. It should be so good that I want to actually confuse you with Justin Bieber. Momentarily, I want to think that I am at the same party as the Biebs.
And that is why you shouldn’t even bother to make an elaborate costume. You need to be able to come up with an idea that clearly shows that you spent less than ten minutes working on it. Because then you’re setting the bar so low that there is nowhere to go but up.
2. Creativity. It amazes me how little creativity some people have in this world. The fictional hero MacGyver was able to disable a bomb using a thumb tack and a piece of string cheese, and yet, some people couldn’t even create a picture frame if they were given Popsicle sticks, Elmer’s glue and set of cray-pas.
If you truly put your mind to it, you could create a clever costume that not one single person in your circle of friends will think of. All you have to do is use your peanut-sized brain to think for a minute, for the love of God.
3. Interaction. This is often something that people don’t think about. But if you can manage to create a costume that allows people to contribute to it throughout the night, then you will steal the night. This does take a little more creativity than usual, but if you can swing it, you will almost definitely be the life of the party.
4. Females: when in doubt, show cleavage. No description necessary.
It’s really not that difficult. Halloween is a holiday that was meant for kids to roam around their neighborhood and collect candy. But then it somehow evolved into a giant college event where guys think of excuses to walk around shirtless and girls try to think of the most obscure professions that they could make slutty. And then Halloween eventually turns into a bunch of people in their late 20s trying to pretend that they’re still young by dressing up and going out and then coming home and being in bed by midnight because they had a long week at work.
It’s not meant to be a stressful time in our lives. The stressful times are going to come later. If your blood pressure rises on Halloween, it should be because you have early onset diabetes and don’t know it yet, and not because you are stressed out about a Halloween costume.
And the best part is, for all of those people who have no clue as to what they want to be, is that you know their final finished products are going to be horrendous.
But, you know, Halloween isn’t for everyone. If you’re bad at handling this holiday then there’s always Independence Day or — actually scratch, that. Independence Day probably wouldn’t work either. And Thanksgiving, Valentine’s Day and Memorial Day are probably out too. In fact, Christmas probably won’t cut it either.
President’s Day. I think that’s your window. Don’t screw it up.