I will never know what it’s like to have a beach body

Back in primitive days, before cars, before houses, and well before electricity — I’m talking about hunting and gathering days — you had no choice but to have a six-pack. And the reason is because, if you didn’t have a six-pack, you’d probably die.

You had to live every moment of your life trying to survive. You had to be able to lift heavy objects, to be able to run from enemies and to be able to hunt at will. So, in those days, it was either have a six-pack or have a six-foot burial.

But now we have cars. And houses that don’t consist of branches and leaves. And electricity. You don’t have to fend for your life on a daily basis. Therefore, standards for physical appearance have dropped exponentially.

You can live a long time as a fat man or woman. Maybe you won’t live to be 100, but there’s no reason why you can’t live to be about 70 before your heart finally gives out on your fat self.

What bothers me most about our country though, isn’t necessarily all the fat people stomping around — but the standards that our country has. It’s gotten to the point where you are considered “skinny” just if you aren’t fat.

The acceptable weight, or BMI, for a male of my height — 5-feet 9-inches — is 170 pounds. Excuse me? If I weigh 170 pounds, I’m fat. Right now, I weight about 160, and I know that I have a sizable gut. So how is 170 acceptable?

People need to realize that not being fat is not an accomplishment. Just because you are able to go up a flight of stairs without breathing heavily does not mean that you are in shape.

I am somebody who works out about 6/7 days of the week in some form. However, I still don’t have the healthiest of diets, and thus, my body leaves a lot to be desired. I certainly am not fat, and I even wear medium-sized t-shirts, but I’m still not proud of my body. I also don’t eagerly await moments when I can take my shirt off.

I can’t even begin to fathom what it must feel like to have a desirable body.

Actually, scratch that, because if I had a desirable body, I would be the biggest asshole known to mankind. We all know that girls love guys with nice bodies — and I’m already full of myself as it is — so if I actually had rock-hard abs and bulging biceps, I would be the most irritating, obnoxious, narcissistic individual there is.

But anyway, it’s just funny to me that we consider people in “great” shape who still have a decent-sized gut. If my doctor tells me I’m in great shape even though my belly still protrudes over my waist, then what the heck does he say to somebody who has a six-pack? Does he just instantly start sucking his dick?

I can also tell you right now that I will probably never have a body that girls will swoon over when they see me at the beach. It’s just too much time and effort to not only achieve, but to maintain. I can already run four miles on any given day with relative ease. That number does not need to grow any further.

But if you do have a great body, then god bless you. Clearly you, as opposed to me, do think it’s important to take the best possible care of yourself, and to eat healthy 24/7, and to be in pristine, vintage shape. If that’s your kick, then that’s one awesome kick.

My kick is to lie on my bed and watch TV shows for hours on end, while exerting no energy and burning zero calories.

You win.

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