Anybody got $780k they could lend me?

Remember the golden days of eBay, when people used to sell off their old baseball cards, video games, books or even their old kitchen appliances? I remember when I was in junior high school, and before I started making money, I was so excited to sell my old Game Boy games and make like $15. That was a lot of money to me at the time.

Although, it’s not like I’m exactly rolling in money now. Yesterday I found $5 in the back pocket of my jeans and I practically did a pirouette. You’re probably wondering what it would look like for a grown man to do a pirouette. Well, just think of Natalie Portman in Black Swan, and then picture the complete opposite.

Anyway, so eBay has lost a little bit of its luster over the years. And apparently, online auctioning has evolved into something no Internet analyst probably ever could have predicted. What went from auctioning old household items, has now gone to auctioning, well, something else.

Like… your virginity. 

I’ll let that sink in for a minute. *Goes off and listens to a track off the new Taylor Swift album.*

Okay, I’m back. And for some odd reason, I have a sudden, inexplicable urge to be mad at one of my old ex’s. I don’t know where that came from.

So as you can see from that link that you didn’t click on, a Brazilian women named Catarina Migliorini took to the site and offered her virginity up for sale.

Now that’s just despicable, that’s just wrong, that’s just… *sees how much money she received*

…the most brilliant thing I have ever seen. This girl is not a “skank,” she’s a freaking entrepreneur. Do you have any idea how much $780k could buy you? Well, I guess the answer to that question is: $780k worth of things, but you get the point.

Although this chick is claiming that she is going to donate 90% to charity, and will build homes in Brazil for the needy. Great, I guess? But, if your overall goal was to help the poor, couldn’t you, like, fundraise instead? You know, like start a charitable organization, rather than offering your body over the Internet? And how would you feel as a starving, poor Brazilian child knowing that your brand new home was funded by some crazed horndog over the Internet who was just trying to get laid?

They probably don’t care at all, actually.

First of all, if I’m a hooker — which I’m not, yet — I’m looking at this article and thinking, what the “f-word?” They’ve been prostituting their bodies for god knows how long, and including pimp fees, they probably haven’t even made $780k in their lifetime.

Meanwhile, this girl made that much money in one try, and she didn’t even require a pimp. The Internet was her pimp.

Also, how the heck can it be proven that this Brazilian 20-year-old is indeed a virgin? If you’re a hot Brazilian girl and you’re still a virgin by age 20, it’s not because of a lack of suitors — it’s because you’re saving yourself for the right dude. And apparently, Ms. Migliorini believed that her “one and only” can be found for the right price over the Internet. It just does not compute.

In all honesty though, this was pretty much the perfect storm of awesomeness for any guy. Only three words needed to register for her auction page: Brazilian. 20. Virgin.

Pictures are not even necessary. Everyone knows how much guys drool over the Brazilian volleyball players in the Olympics and their skimpy bikinis, so we just envision that’s what all Brazilian girls look like. But since you probably won’t keep reading unless I show you a picture, and since you obviously still haven’t clicked on the link I posted before — here you go.

Yeah, $780k sounds about right.

Actually, on second thought, her face seems a little distant in that picture and it makes me feel like she is hiding something, therefore — 2/10, would NOT bang.

And lost in all the hubbub is the fact that there is an actual website devoted towards auctioning off people’s virginity. I wonder if they considered calling it That was really the best I could come up with. That’s all I got.

Damn, just 30 seconds later I thought of Should have went with that.

Well I’d stay around and chat about this some more, but I have some auctioning to do.

Not that kind of auctioning. I need to sell off my old, um, my old roller skates…

One thought on “Anybody got $780k they could lend me?

  1. What’s up, just wanted to mention, I enjoyed this post. It was inspiring. Keep on posting!

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