Well, this was bound to happen sooner or later

Let’s face it — Twitter is changing the world. We all thought phones and instant messaging and chatrooms were revolutionary as far as instant access to other people, but those things have nothing on Twitter.

I can think of anyone in the world, anyone, and find them on Twitter. Any celebrity. Any company. Any fake television or movie character. They all exist. Within seconds, I can type their name, and then I can read all of their tweets dating back months and years.

If you told somebody 100 years ago that this would be possible a century from now, you probably would have blown their mind. As in, their brain would have physically exploded right in front of you because they just couldn’t mentally process that information. And then you’d have their brain and guts and stuff all over you and it would be gross.

Twitter appears now in every day vernacular. I’ll check Twitter on my phone when I’m bored, and I’ll share a funny tweet with whoever is around me. I’ll say, “Haha, look at what Matthew Broderick just said on Twitter…”

Or maybe your friend will say something funny, and then after people laugh, he’ll say, “I’m going to post that on Twitter.” And then he will.

And don’t even get me started with the hash tag. People have now taken the liberty to use the hash tag even when they’re not on Twitter. They’ll use it on Facebook, or Gchat, or in emails. Heck, people are now even using hash tags in verbal conversations. I actually know people who will break out the has tag mid-conversation.

And the worst part about it is that I don’t even think it’s weird. In fact, using verbal hash tags can actually work in certain contexts.

It just shows how far Twitter has come and how much it has weaved into the everyday workings of the world.

But that being said, somebody has finally taken it too far.  And to take it too far, it means you really have to do something stupid. And that they did.

Last night, at around 10 p.m., a baby was born.

That’s not abnormal. In fact, I’m sure hundreds of babies were born in the U.S. at around 10 p.m. last night. The unusual thing about this birth, though, is what the parents chose to name their child. Check it out.

Oh god.

Oh dear god.

Oh dear sweet mother of god.

Well first and foremost, I need to point out that we don’t have full empirical evidence to ascertain that this child really is named Hashtag. I want to see a birth certificate. With my own eyes, I want to see the name “Hashtag Jameson” printed on an officially documented and federally approved birth certificate.

Shannyn Sossamon with young Audio Science

But until then, I can at least pretend that these parents are morons.

Parents name their kids some weird things. One of the first celebrity parents to name their kid something weird was Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay’s Chris Martin, who named their kid Apple.

But then Beyonce and Jay-Z named their kid Blue Ivy.

And I recently found out that actress Shannyn Sossamon, who was in some shitty horror movie called One Missed Call, named her kid Audio Science. Yup.

It all reminds me of a Louis CK bit, as he discusses how their probably should be a law or two that prevents people from naming their kids whatever they want. I highly recommend watching it, it’s only two minutes long:

So all things considered, I suppose the name Hashtag isn’t that bizarre. But… it’s just what the name represents. To name your kid Hashtag, you are pretty much ensuring that your kid is going to not only become an Internet sensation only minutes after being born, but that he will probably be mocked in elementary school, and then beaten in high school.

I can just imagine bullies ganging up on him and saying something like, “Hashtag beatdown!” as they do it. Because we know how smart and creative bullies are.

Anytime he utters his name, people are going to laugh at him. Why do that to a kid?

I just don’t understand how any parents can think this is a good idea. I understand how maybe somebody can jokingly suggest to name their kid Hashtag, since the term is so culturally relevant right now, but then the joke wears out after about ten seconds. But these parents actually thought about it for days and weeks and months, and came to the determination that Hashtag was the best name to label their kid.

Ironically, it was Twitter and social media that helped spread the news of this baby so quickly. But that is probably what the parents wanted. I mean, they wasted no time getting the first pictures of the baby up on Facebook, after all.

So, as I said at the start, I actually have no problem with how Twitter has influenced popular culture. But all it took is for two idiotic parents to come along and ruin the fun for everyone. They took it too far, and now their son is a trending topic.

Both figuratively and literally.

#I’mOut.

So people think they are lawyers on Facebook now

Many of you, like me, may have come across a certain Facebook status on their News Feed recently. In fact, many of you, like me, may have come across this message multiple times.

I’ve already voiced my displeasure regarding these chain Facebook statuses that try to manipulate and guilt-trip people into sharing it with their own followers. The message will say something like, “Cancer is bad. If you don’t share this than you clearly disagree.”

Okay so maybe it wasn’t those exact words, but these type of things bother me because they are completely artificial and fake. If you want to speak up about a cause, then say it in your own words — don’t copy somebody else’s or don’t let somebody else do it for you.

It’s similar to Joseph Gordon’s Levitt inspirational yet somber diatribe towards the end of (500) Days of Summer, when he quits his job at the greeting card factory, explaining how the words in greeting cards are devoid of actual emotion, and just provide people with excuses to not have to say things in their own words.

[Spoiler alert]

But anyway, I’m gearing a little off topic here. The Facebook status that I am referring to doesn’t bother me because of its manipulative agenda, it bothers me because of its sheer stupidity.

So here is the message I am referring to:

In response to the new Facebook guidelines I hereby declare that my copyright is attached to all of my personal details, illustrations, comics, paintings, professional photos and videos, etc. (as a result of the Berner Convention))

For commercial use of the above my written consent is needed at all times!

(Anyone reading this can copy this text and paste it on their Facebook Wall. This will place

them under protection of copyright laws. By the present communiqué, I notify Facebook that it is strictly forbidden to disclose, copy, distribute, disseminate, or take any other action against me on the basis of this profile and/or its contents. The aforementioned prohibited actions also apply to employees, students, agents and/or any staff under Facebook’s direction or control. The content of this profile is private and confidential information. The violation of my privacy is punished by law (UCC 1 1-308-308 1-103 and the Rome Statute).Facebook is now an open capital entity. All members are recommended to publish a notice like this, or if you prefer, you may copy and paste this version. If you do not publish a statement at least once, you will be tacitly allowing the use of elements such as your photos as well as the information contained in your profile status updates.
.

First of all, it absolutely baffles my mind that somebody can read this and think that it is real. It amazes me that somebody would see this status, and actually think with their brain that by reposting it onto their own News Feed, they are somehow accomplishing something. And yet, so many people did.

ABCNews, among many other outlets, have already verified this message as a hoax.

Hey, NO SHIT.

I didn’t think that, by some miraculous loophole, the wizards at Facebook somehow made changes without realizing that everything they did could be outdone by a simple post of a Facebook status. In fact, the article states that there isn’t even such a thing as the Berner Convention. It’s actually called the Berne Convention.

When I read the Facebook status for the first time, I nearly lost my shit laughing when I read the “UCC 1 1-308-308 1-103” part. I’m sorry, but there is no way that is a real anything. It’s simply just a cluster of letters and numbers and that have no bearing on absolutely anything. Again, I can’t repeat it enough, it just blows my mind that there are some people out there who thought it was legit.

Also note that the word “communique” with the actual accent is in the same paragraph. You really can’t make this shit up.

Scopes.com, a site that is devoted towards debunking myths, says that when you agree to Facebook’s privacy agreement upon registration, they can not retroactively change your privacy or copyright terms. It’s illegal. So… there you go.

Honestly, if people are this gullible, then I have half a mind to post something on my Facebook wall that reads as such:

In response to the new Facebook guidelines I hereby declare that I am Jesus.
.

If some people out there think they can singlehandedly bypass Facebook’s privacy laws by posting a status, then I don’t see why I can’t make them believe I am Jesus. They’ll see my status and say, “Well, he posted it on Facebook, and he used the word ‘hereby,’ so, I guess that means he is Jesus now.”

But you know what — people of the world, please, please, never change. It’s your stupidity and naivety that keeps the world interesting. And most importantly, without you guys, I wouldn’t have really have much to talk about.

Justin Bieber wears overalls; makes headline news

I’ve heard my fair share of scandals in my lifetime, but nothing may be juicier than what transpired this weekend in Canada involving Justin Bieber.

The pop sensation was bestowed with a great honor this weekend, as he received the Diamond Jubilee Award, which apparently is not actually that big of a deal — approximately 60,000 Canadians receive the honor a year for great achievement. In other words, it’s no Purple Heart.

Heck, I think I received a Diamond Jubilee Award once before, and I’m not even Canadian. Actually, on second thought, that might have been a piece of Hannukah gelt.

But regardless, it’s still a nice thing to have. It’s better to have a Diamond Jubilee Award than to… not have one. I guess. Although, earning the award probably wasn’t the most significant part of all this. What was the most significant part was that Bieber was personally handed the award by Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper.

But, before I continue; by show of hands, how many people know who Justin Bieber is?

*sees everyone in the world raise their hand*

Okay, now who here knew that the Canadian prime minister was named Stephen Harper?

*watches everyone slowly lower their hand, except for one weird guy in back. I stare down the guy, and he admits defeat and lowers his hand*

Exactly. And last question — who here even knew that Canada had a prime minster?

*sees that everyone has left the room*

Alright, so back to the topic at hand. What I have said so far isn’t even the big news. Nevermind that Justin Bieber received a Canadian honor, nevermind that he met the prime minster, what really mattered is what he wore to greet the most important man in Canada.

To meet the single most powerful man in his native country, Justin Bieber wore overalls.

The outfit sparked controversy throughout the blogosphere, namely in the British tabloid called the Daily Mail, where writer Hayley Peterson went as far as calling Justin Bieber the “white trash prince.”

Ouch. Now I’m all for poking some fun at Mr. Bieber, but calling him white trash even seems a little extravagant to me. Not to mention that she did it in the headline of the story.

The story actually prompted a response from Bieber, who posted this on his Instagram, which until right now I did not realize could be used as a social networking site

“Let a loan.” Face palm.

I also did not know that Justin Bieber doubles as a mallard duck. But I digress.

In this instance, I can see both sides of the argument. If he was indeed performing that day, and in that same arena, then I don’t blame him for not dressing up. He’s a musician, and thus, his number one priority that day was focusing on his performance. And since he is a 19-year-old musician at that, than it’s all about style.

Would it have killed him to at least brought a long a nicer shirt for a photo op? No. But again, he’s 19-years-old. I’ll cut the kid some slack for not wearing slacks. I’ll give him a pass for not wearing pants. I’ll give him a break for not wearing breakaways. Okay I’m done.

So I don’t really take this whole “scandal” seriously, and apparently, neither did the prime minister.

I wonder if world leaders all tweet at each other? In fact, when are we going to see an alliance or a cease-fire formed over Twitter? Instead of the military recruiting experts in combat warfare, they should seek experts in social networking to negotiate peace treaties.

Or not.

But anyway, back to the Biebs. At the end of the day, it comes down to this — if you could wear overalls, and start an international media controversy because of it, then you know that you have made it big.

Unlike me. I wore my overalls all day long today, and not one single person noticed.

Not one.

Guys, NASA found something.

Remember that rover that landed on Mars in August? Because I guarantee that at least every other person reading this already forgot.

NASA sent the rover to see what we can learn about our interstellar brethren that is Mars. It took photos, brought back samples, and then, we really didn’t hear too much about it after that. No aliens were found, so that is when most people stopped caring.

However, it appears that NASA did find something. And apparently, it’s big.

This is a quote from Sam Grotzinger, the principal investigator for the rover mission:

“This data is gonna be one for the history books. It’s looking really good.”

Aw, snap. Now this has some potential.

Of course, my guess — and I think I am right — is that this news will be revelatory for the scientific and astronomical community. The astronomers and astrophysicists will hear it and be amazed. But the average idiot, like you and me, will hear it and say, “So?”

But what is this startling discovery? The reason NASA is taking its sweet time in divulging it is because, like any good men of science, they want to be sure.

Part of the rover contained an instrument called SAM (Sample Analysis at Mars) that was designed to, well, collect sample analysis at Mars — soil, air, etc.

And it looks like SAM found something. The entire purpose of the exploration was not necessarily to discover extraterrestrial species; I don’t think anyone at NASA expected any type of martian civilization. However, the purpose was to discover if life on Mars either is or was possible. Meaning, that there had previously been life on Mars, or there could be in the future.

One of the indicators the team was hoping to discover was methane, which is the most abundant organic compound on Earth, and is derived from living organisms. So it could simply just be that.

Or maybe, just maybe, it is something bigger. Of course, this teaser statement released by NASA officials only sets us all up for disappointment. When you’re NASA, and it’s your job to make unbelievable discoveries, and you actually say that you made a “historical discovery,” then people are going to jump to extremes.

They’ll think of aliens, or some type of outer space dinosaurs, or that they discovered time travel.

So when the announcement comes and it’s inevitably something about minerals or sand or organic compounds, then nobody will really care. The worst part about all of this is that discovering the depths of our universe is something that humans will be working on for as long as we exist. Right now, we only have the physical capabilities of sending little machines into space. What we’re really doing is setting the foundation so that future generations can make the big discoveries.

Sorry folks, but while you and I live — NASA ain’t discovering shit.

If the space agency did in fact discover some type of talking sea otter with three heads inhabiting Mars, than sure, I’ll gladly eat my words. But I think it’s safe to say that this discovery will not involve a tri-headed sea mammal.

So anyway, transitioning to news a little closer to home, there’s a lot happening on the Taylor Swift front. Not only is her new album “Red” making waves all over the world, but I learned that she recently bought a Cape Cod beach house in the same neighborhood as her one time beau Conor Kennedy.

Here is a satellite view of the house and its proximity to the Kennedy household.

For those scoring at home, Ethel Kennedy is the widow of the late Robert F. Kennedy, and is Conor Kennedy’s grandmother. And before I finish this blog, I want an entire Kennedy diagram on my wall displaying the entire Kennedy lineage. Because I am slowly becoming an expert.

It’s also creepy that the entire world has photographic access to Taylor Swift’s new home simply by performing a two-second Internet search. Thank god I am not an actual stalker though. Instead I’m just a weird blogger guy. It’s a fine line, I suppose.

But the awkward part about all of this is that T-Swift and Conor K are no longer seeing each other despite the fact that they now live as close to each other as Jerry Seinfeld and Kramer did. In fact, recent reports indicate that Swift is now dating Harry Styles of One Direction, who, conveniently, looks exactly like Conor Kennedy.

Somebody please explain to me what the heck the difference is between those two people. Because I certainly do not know. In fact, they are both 18-years-old — nearly five years younger than Taylor Swift. Nice, Taylor. Nice.

Well, at least this benefits me since I now know Taylor’s type. All I have to do is not get a haircut for four months, give myself the biggest static shock imaginable to make the hair go in every direction, and somehow go back in time to make myself 18-years-old again.

Man, I really do wish that NASA’s big discovery is the ability to time travel. It’s the only thing stopping me from being the object of Taylor Swift’s affection.

The only thing.

I’m still waiting to meet the one dude who isn’t grateful for a single thing

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my American readers. And to my one reader from Morocco, go fuck yourself. Yeah I know you’re there.

I apologize for going AWOL the past couple of days, but a last-minute decision to attend an Of Monsters and Men concert in Manhattan on Tuesday prevented me from blogging. And yesterday I just got drunk instead.

So it is Thanksgiving day. Without question, this is easily one of the most consistent days of the year.

You’ll wake up with a hangover. The Macy’s Day Parade will be on television. March of the Wooden Soldiers will be on WPIX. It’s a Wonderful Life will be playing somewhere. Football. Lots of food. You see the same family members every single year.

The day is rock solid, and that is probably why people enjoy it so much. You know good things are going to happen, and they do. The worst kind of days are the ones where you have inflated expectations, only to see them not pan out. That isn’t a worry on Thanksgiving.

It truly is difficult to be in a bad mood on Thanksgiving, because everyone around you is so happy. Facebook becomes an outpouring of holiday cheer as well. My News feed is littered with people either wishing their friends a Happy Thanksgiving or expressing how grateful they are for everything they have.

“Grateful” is a word that you really only hear on Thanksgiving. How often do you here somebody declare their gratefulness during any of the other 364 days of the year. By the way, WordPress didn’t put the red squiggly line under “gratefulness,” so I’m sticking with it.

But there certainly is a lot to be grateful for. Actually, it’s impossible to not be grateful. Even if you are the most depressed, sadistic, unhappy prick in the entire world, you still have to acknowledge that you are a lucky person.

First of all, you are a person. The fact that we were born as human beings is something to be grateful for. Sure, if I was born as a kitten  I would be blissfully ignorant to the troubles of the world, but… I’d be a kitten.

Even the homeless people in New York City, who sleep in garbage bags and beg for money on street corners are fortunate that they were born as humans, and not as a grasshopper or a cricket.

And obviously it goes without saying that we’re grateful for having a house to live in, family that loves us, food to eat, blah blah blah. And the older we get, the more appreciative we become of these things. That is firmly solidified by my Facebook News Feed, with all of the people who made the effort to update their Facebook status this morning.

Everybody is grateful.

Or are they?

I’m convinced that there is one — just one — person in the world out there who isn’t grateful for anything. And that’s not because they’re poor, or had a rough go of it in life, but because they simply are indifferent towards everything that they have.

I know he or she is out there somewhere. They woke up today and just felt nothing. And when asked what in their life they are grateful for, they sit and think, and still come up with nothing. They are completely and utterly apathetic.

I want to meet that person, and I want to study them. I want to know them and live vicariously through them. And if she is an attractive girl then I want to marry her so that i can be another addition to her life that she is ungrateful for.

On this day where everybody is super humble and grateful for every little thing, we need a person like that to restore balance to our world. Today is the one day a year where sociopaths are actually needed.

But it’s okay. Just knowing that this person is out there is enough for me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

People’s favorite holiday is whatever holiday is next

As I was reaching the end of last night’s blog, I started recapping the highlights of the American Music Awards, which were still ongoing when I finished typing.

I was immensely enjoying the American Music Awards up to that point. There was ten minutes remaining, and as long as Kanye West didn’t grace the stage, then there was really nothing that could ruin what was a fine awards show.

But then, right before my eyes, the greatest thing to ever happen occurred.

There’s a very real chance this video gets removed from YouTube due to copyright infringement, so if it doesn’t work, just look it up yourself you lazy bastard. Anyway, it’s a video of Psy performing “Gangnam Style” at the conclusion of Sunday’s festivities.

The performance was great, and you can tell the audience was really vibing it and buying into Psy’s energy. What else could be better?

Oh that’s right, that guy called MC Hammer.

Psy and MC Hammer were on the same stage at the same time. It’s just, I mean… I’ve never attempted to look for a shooting star, or a meteor shower, or one of those eclipses that comes around once every seven years, but this was better. Seeing Psy and MC Hammer on the same stage simultaneously is better than any natural phenomenon that could ever occur. My life is truly better for having witnessed it. And if you watch the YouTube video, then yours will be to.

But anyway, it’s the start of a new workweek, and the one saving grace is that we will all be receiving a Thanksgiving break.

Because some pilgrims and Indians did some shit a while ago, we get a holiday. And don’t worry, I’m not going to start shitting on Thanksgiving — I never will — but I will start shitting on the people who won’t shut up about how much they love this holiday.

Here’s a sentence that will be uttered by every American this week who has the ability to speak:

“Oh man, I can’t wait for Thanksgiving! No work, I can sleep late, watch some football, eat some great food, see my family, and then pass out from all of the turkey! I love this holiday!”

And even the mute people will sign that sentence to their other mute friends. It’s universal.

And I’m not going to insult people for being excited about a holiday. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it’s just that I see the same exact people excited about every holiday ever. I truly I wish I could load the Facebook statuses of people in the weeks preceding every major holiday. It would be something like:

March: “Oh man, three day weekend from work! Going to my friend’s barbecue! I love Memorial Day. Best holiday ever!”

April: “Oh man, so much chocolate! I love those cream filled eggs my mom gets me because she still thinks I’m seven. Easter, best holiday ever!”

July: “Oh man, just bought some firecrackers! Going to my friend’s party! I love the 4th of July. Best holiday ever!”

October: “Oh man, I get to dress up in a costume and watch girls dress up in slutty outfits? Sign me up! I love Halloween. Best holiday ever!”

You get the point.

Every holiday has its own unique flair that gives it some allure. With the exception of Valentine’s Day, you are very rarely going to find people who actually dislike a national holiday. Except Earth Day — screw that.

So we’re going to have to bear people blabbering about how much they love Thanksgiving over the next few days. And then after that, expect a few Black Friday statuses, and then, with almost no time lapse in between, you’re going to get the Christmas love.

My favorite? “Just heard Christmas music on the radio. It’s the best time of the year!”

oh, and don’t forget about all that Hanukkah love too…

LOL JUST KIDDING.

Israel is on the brink of annihilation, but let’s talk about the Twinkie

Right now, as I type this, combat is ongoing in the middle east between Israel and Palestine. As my fingers stroke across the keys on my laptop to write this sentence, the life of an Israeli and Palestinian soldier may have just ended.

Sadly, it seems to be the same old story in the middle east. Whenever Israel and the Hamas clash, you start seeing an outpouring of sympathy on Facebook from all your Jewish Facebook friends. They’ll post things like “My heart is with Israel ❤ ” and then underneath that status, there will be precisely 14 comments — the majority of them between two people who go back and forth pretending like they know exactly what is happening over there.

The notion that any of us Americans — who have no access to anything that is occurring outside our bedrooms, let alone on the freaking Gaza Strip — act like they have a good grasp on this conflict is nothing short of hilarious.

Side note: Hamas is the Palestinian political party that governs the Gaza strip, and not a food dip. I implore you to not make the mistake of confusing the two while attempting to have an intelligent conversation about the middle east. It will not do you any favors.

But for the people out there who do have a genuine curiosity as to what’s going on out there on the Gaza Strip, let me provide you with an actual live fact check of what’s happening, as reported by the Associated Press — 74 Palestinians have been killed since this current conflict arose. Three Israeli civilians have been killed and more than 60 have been injured by Palestinian rockets. In addition, Gaza militants have fired more than 1000 rockets at Israel, and 544 of them exploded inside Israel. Conversely, Israeli military says it has hit more than 1,200 military targets in Gaza.

Basically, it’s a mess, and neither country is an innocent victim here. Israel is a close ally of ours, but they have also been on the offensive.

So there’s your basic rundown. All I know is that I kind of feel like a dick for asking a birthright organization for my $200 deposit back. It seems like they need it more than me right now. But I still want my goddamn money.

Also, I had to turn down my birthright invitation this winter because I can’t afford to take more than a week off from work, and that probably works out for the best. I’d rather take a vacation elsewhere to a country that, you know, isn’t at war, even if it means actually spending money.

But who even cares, though? This is all just a mere footnote compared to the colossal news that the Twinkie may be going extinct. The freaking TWINKIE.

Here’s the thought process behind every American when this news broke.

  • Reads news story that the Twinkie may be going extinct.
  • Realizes that they haven’t eaten a Twinkie in almost a decade.
  • Becomes nostalgic for their childhood love of Hostess snacks.
  • Suddenly decides that they don’t want Twinkies to go away.
  • Craves a Twinkie — will eat one within 72 hours.

I swear to god, if I didn’t know any better — I would think that this was all a ploy by Hostess to make Twinkies popular again. I imagine that the sale of the cream-filled snack has increased exponentially since this story broke.

But, sadly, it is not a ploy, and Hostess actually is going out of business. 

Even so — whether Hostess does liquidate or not —  I never for a second thought that the Twinkie is going to disappear. Again, it’s the freaking TWINKIE. For comparison’s sake, do you ever expect a snack like the Oreo to go away? Of course not, because the Oreo is an American cultural staple. Even if Nabisco folded, some company would either buy the rights to the Oreo, or make a copycat that tastes exactly the same. Hydrox says hello.

Another side note — how in the holy hell did Hydrox ever think it would compete with the Oreo? Who in their right mind names a cookie “Hydrox.” it stood as much of a chance as Altavista defeating Google as the world’s #1 search engine. But I digress.

The same philosophy stands for the Twinkie. Some company will come along and buy its rights, market it to death, and revive the delicious treat. Either that, or we’ll have a copycat on our hand, which unfortunately would be legally unable to go by the name “Twinkie.” Which would essentially defeat the whole purpose.

So that was my thought process all along, and I was never worried. And I was right. 

According to reports, many companies have inquired into the possibility of purchasing the Twinkie name, citing its extremely marketable and recognizable brand name. [My reaction: No shit.]

The process is still in its very early stages, but it appears inevitable, as Hostess seems more than willing to listen to potential suitors.

Man, this has been a really good past couple of months for fat people. Recently, the reports of a potential bacon shortage were dismissed, and now, the Twinkie has been saved. Hallelujah!

So again, people are dying in Gaza like right now, but at the same time, Hostess officials are looking into the possible sale of the Twinkie. There’s your big news for the weekend.

Right now, the American Music Awards are airing, and I’m still having cold chills after seeing Justin Bieber perform in a tank top. Oh wait, that’s not true because I’m not a 14-year-old girl. Not anymore, at least. Wait.

Taylor Swift also performed a new single that may or may not have been directed at Jake Gyllenhaal, and she looked as good as she ever has.

And finally, the Backstreet Boys presented the Best New Artist award that was eventually won by Carly Rae Jepsen. It’s always good to see the old gang back together, even if it was to present an award to a girl whose hit song revolves around her uncertainty about whether she wants a male suitor to call her or not.

It’s ironic because in the Backstreet Boys big hit, “I Want it That Way,” the group is very adamant and assertive as to what they want. They want it that way.

Carly Rae, meanwhile, has no clue what she wants. Call me… maybe? It’s quite the stark contrast between those two musical artists.

I’m putting way too much thought into this.