Lost in the political hoopla — weed is legal

Late last night, president Barack Obama was reelected for a second term, defeating Republican challenger Mitt Romney.

At about 11 p.m. or so, the major networks declared the key swing states — namely Ohio — to Obama, effectively sealing him the victory. Every network always wants to be first, so all of this happened simultaneously while results were still coming in, but it still held up in the end — despite Karl Rove’s best efforts to argue otherwise.

Obama also won the popular vote, thankfully, so we won’t have to hear all these claims about how the “electoral college system is flawed.”

Finally, I just want to say briefly how appalled I was by some of the most moronic statements I saw on Facebook regarding Obama’s reelection. I know that the majority of Republicans are completely normal and civilized people, but those few people who are vocal — well they make you look like the biggest idiots in the world.

My brain literally began hurting after reading some of the comments a select few people were writing. The funny part is, though, that they fail to realize that every single person who reads it is thinking exactly what I am thinking — that they’re idiots. And that they’re never coming back from that.

But anyway, people forgot that other propositions were being voted on last night. Amid the political analysis of the elections, a couple of states legalized weed.

That’s right. Colorado and Washington (state, not D.C.) voters approved the legalization of marijuana.

And no, it’s not for medical usage only — marijuana had been legal in Colorado for medical purposes since 1998, and in Washington since 2000. This is for recreational use. Like, for fun.

This is obviously an unprecedented occurrence that will have great ramifications on our country. The usage of marijuana for recreational purposes is still a federal crime, and stoners across the country are waiting on bated breath to see how the U.S. Justice Department will react to Colorado and Washington’s legalization.

The quote of the day goes to Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper, as he addressed what I just said above:

The voters have spoken and we have to respect their will. This will be a complicated process, but we intend to follow through. That said, federal law still says marijuana is an illegal drug so don’t break out the Cheetos or gold fish too quickly.

That came from an elected official. Named Hickenlooper. Doubly awesome.

Anybody who has ever smoked marijuana can vouch that it is a pretty harmless drug — especially when you compare it to drinking alcohol.

What do people do when they drink alcohol? They start fights at bars. They beat their spouses. They cause scenes in public. They get behind the wheels of vehicles.

What do people do when they smoke weed? They sit on a couch and watch television. OH MY GOD SO DANGEROUS!

The problem, however — and even the staunchest marijauna defenders can attest — is that if weed was legal, then nothing would ever get done. Any stoner knows to not smoke weed until after they get all of their shit done. Because if you smoke beforehand, then you’re not going to do anything.

But if weed is legal, and people are going to be ripping bong hits on street corners on their way to work, then you may see a significant decrease in productivity across the board. Marijuana could singlehandedly cause another recession. But hey, at least we’d be too stoned to notice.

In the meantime, I applaud Colorado and Washington voters for having the cojones to go toe-to-toe with the federal government. It shall be interesting to see what happens next. But either way, Colorado will be high… because of its altitude.

So, one other piece of interesting legislation that was approved by voters was Los Angeles declaring that pornographic actors must start wearing condoms as a means to promote safer sex.

The measure was approved, 56 to 44 percent. Honestly, while I understand that this could only help the world — since less STD’s will be traveling around the west coast — I also don’t see why it is any of our business. I mean, I personally know to use condoms… that time I had sex. But my motivation for having sexual intercourse is much different from a porn star’s.

Besides, regular people aren’t required to wear condoms, so why should porn stars? It’s their own bodies, and if they want to contract syphilis, or gonorrhea, or even AIDS, then by all means let them.

But need not worry, because the porn industry wasted no time vowing to fight this.

Of course, if you are not a porn star, or if you do not live in Colorado or Washington, then this news really does not affect you. But my pollsters tell me that I have a very strong demographic in Colorado, so I have to appease them.

And now, if you excuse me, I am going to have condom-less sex with a L.A. porn star while smoking weed I bought illegally from a drug dealer in Colorado.

BREAKIN’ THE RULES TWO STATES AT A TIME.

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