Israel is on the brink of annihilation, but let’s talk about the Twinkie

Right now, as I type this, combat is ongoing in the middle east between Israel and Palestine. As my fingers stroke across the keys on my laptop to write this sentence, the life of an Israeli and Palestinian soldier may have just ended.

Sadly, it seems to be the same old story in the middle east. Whenever Israel and the Hamas clash, you start seeing an outpouring of sympathy on Facebook from all your Jewish Facebook friends. They’ll post things like “My heart is with Israel ❤ ” and then underneath that status, there will be precisely 14 comments — the majority of them between two people who go back and forth pretending like they know exactly what is happening over there.

The notion that any of us Americans — who have no access to anything that is occurring outside our bedrooms, let alone on the freaking Gaza Strip — act like they have a good grasp on this conflict is nothing short of hilarious.

Side note: Hamas is the Palestinian political party that governs the Gaza strip, and not a food dip. I implore you to not make the mistake of confusing the two while attempting to have an intelligent conversation about the middle east. It will not do you any favors.

But for the people out there who do have a genuine curiosity as to what’s going on out there on the Gaza Strip, let me provide you with an actual live fact check of what’s happening, as reported by the Associated Press — 74 Palestinians have been killed since this current conflict arose. Three Israeli civilians have been killed and more than 60 have been injured by Palestinian rockets. In addition, Gaza militants have fired more than 1000 rockets at Israel, and 544 of them exploded inside Israel. Conversely, Israeli military says it has hit more than 1,200 military targets in Gaza.

Basically, it’s a mess, and neither country is an innocent victim here. Israel is a close ally of ours, but they have also been on the offensive.

So there’s your basic rundown. All I know is that I kind of feel like a dick for asking a birthright organization for my $200 deposit back. It seems like they need it more than me right now. But I still want my goddamn money.

Also, I had to turn down my birthright invitation this winter because I can’t afford to take more than a week off from work, and that probably works out for the best. I’d rather take a vacation elsewhere to a country that, you know, isn’t at war, even if it means actually spending money.

But who even cares, though? This is all just a mere footnote compared to the colossal news that the Twinkie may be going extinct. The freaking TWINKIE.

Here’s the thought process behind every American when this news broke.

  • Reads news story that the Twinkie may be going extinct.
  • Realizes that they haven’t eaten a Twinkie in almost a decade.
  • Becomes nostalgic for their childhood love of Hostess snacks.
  • Suddenly decides that they don’t want Twinkies to go away.
  • Craves a Twinkie — will eat one within 72 hours.

I swear to god, if I didn’t know any better — I would think that this was all a ploy by Hostess to make Twinkies popular again. I imagine that the sale of the cream-filled snack has increased exponentially since this story broke.

But, sadly, it is not a ploy, and Hostess actually is going out of business. 

Even so — whether Hostess does liquidate or not —  I never for a second thought that the Twinkie is going to disappear. Again, it’s the freaking TWINKIE. For comparison’s sake, do you ever expect a snack like the Oreo to go away? Of course not, because the Oreo is an American cultural staple. Even if Nabisco folded, some company would either buy the rights to the Oreo, or make a copycat that tastes exactly the same. Hydrox says hello.

Another side note — how in the holy hell did Hydrox ever think it would compete with the Oreo? Who in their right mind names a cookie “Hydrox.” it stood as much of a chance as Altavista defeating Google as the world’s #1 search engine. But I digress.

The same philosophy stands for the Twinkie. Some company will come along and buy its rights, market it to death, and revive the delicious treat. Either that, or we’ll have a copycat on our hand, which unfortunately would be legally unable to go by the name “Twinkie.” Which would essentially defeat the whole purpose.

So that was my thought process all along, and I was never worried. And I was right. 

According to reports, many companies have inquired into the possibility of purchasing the Twinkie name, citing its extremely marketable and recognizable brand name. [My reaction: No shit.]

The process is still in its very early stages, but it appears inevitable, as Hostess seems more than willing to listen to potential suitors.

Man, this has been a really good past couple of months for fat people. Recently, the reports of a potential bacon shortage were dismissed, and now, the Twinkie has been saved. Hallelujah!

So again, people are dying in Gaza like right now, but at the same time, Hostess officials are looking into the possible sale of the Twinkie. There’s your big news for the weekend.

Right now, the American Music Awards are airing, and I’m still having cold chills after seeing Justin Bieber perform in a tank top. Oh wait, that’s not true because I’m not a 14-year-old girl. Not anymore, at least. Wait.

Taylor Swift also performed a new single that may or may not have been directed at Jake Gyllenhaal, and she looked as good as she ever has.

And finally, the Backstreet Boys presented the Best New Artist award that was eventually won by Carly Rae Jepsen. It’s always good to see the old gang back together, even if it was to present an award to a girl whose hit song revolves around her uncertainty about whether she wants a male suitor to call her or not.

It’s ironic because in the Backstreet Boys big hit, “I Want it That Way,” the group is very adamant and assertive as to what they want. They want it that way.

Carly Rae, meanwhile, has no clue what she wants. Call me… maybe? It’s quite the stark contrast between those two musical artists.

I’m putting way too much thought into this.

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