I’m still waiting to meet the one dude who isn’t grateful for a single thing

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my American readers. And to my one reader from Morocco, go fuck yourself. Yeah I know you’re there.

I apologize for going AWOL the past couple of days, but a last-minute decision to attend an Of Monsters and Men concert in Manhattan on Tuesday prevented me from blogging. And yesterday I just got drunk instead.

So it is Thanksgiving day. Without question, this is easily one of the most consistent days of the year.

You’ll wake up with a hangover. The Macy’s Day Parade will be on television. March of the Wooden Soldiers will be on WPIX. It’s a Wonderful Life will be playing somewhere. Football. Lots of food. You see the same family members every single year.

The day is rock solid, and that is probably why people enjoy it so much. You know good things are going to happen, and they do. The worst kind of days are the ones where you have inflated expectations, only to see them not pan out. That isn’t a worry on Thanksgiving.

It truly is difficult to be in a bad mood on Thanksgiving, because everyone around you is so happy. Facebook becomes an outpouring of holiday cheer as well. My News feed is littered with people either wishing their friends a Happy Thanksgiving or expressing how grateful they are for everything they have.

“Grateful” is a word that you really only hear on Thanksgiving. How often do you here somebody declare their gratefulness during any of the other 364 days of the year. By the way, WordPress didn’t put the red squiggly line under “gratefulness,” so I’m sticking with it.

But there certainly is a lot to be grateful for. Actually, it’s impossible to not be grateful. Even if you are the most depressed, sadistic, unhappy prick in the entire world, you still have to acknowledge that you are a lucky person.

First of all, you are a person. The fact that we were born as human beings is something to be grateful for. Sure, if I was born as a kitten  I would be blissfully ignorant to the troubles of the world, but… I’d be a kitten.

Even the homeless people in New York City, who sleep in garbage bags and beg for money on street corners are fortunate that they were born as humans, and not as a grasshopper or a cricket.

And obviously it goes without saying that we’re grateful for having a house to live in, family that loves us, food to eat, blah blah blah. And the older we get, the more appreciative we become of these things. That is firmly solidified by my Facebook News Feed, with all of the people who made the effort to update their Facebook status this morning.

Everybody is grateful.

Or are they?

I’m convinced that there is one — just one — person in the world out there who isn’t grateful for anything. And that’s not because they’re poor, or had a rough go of it in life, but because they simply are indifferent towards everything that they have.

I know he or she is out there somewhere. They woke up today and just felt nothing. And when asked what in their life they are grateful for, they sit and think, and still come up with nothing. They are completely and utterly apathetic.

I want to meet that person, and I want to study them. I want to know them and live vicariously through them. And if she is an attractive girl then I want to marry her so that i can be another addition to her life that she is ungrateful for.

On this day where everybody is super humble and grateful for every little thing, we need a person like that to restore balance to our world. Today is the one day a year where sociopaths are actually needed.

But it’s okay. Just knowing that this person is out there is enough for me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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