Well, this was bound to happen sooner or later

Let’s face it — Twitter is changing the world. We all thought phones and instant messaging and chatrooms were revolutionary as far as instant access to other people, but those things have nothing on Twitter.

I can think of anyone in the world, anyone, and find them on Twitter. Any celebrity. Any company. Any fake television or movie character. They all exist. Within seconds, I can type their name, and then I can read all of their tweets dating back months and years.

If you told somebody 100 years ago that this would be possible a century from now, you probably would have blown their mind. As in, their brain would have physically exploded right in front of you because they just couldn’t mentally process that information. And then you’d have their brain and guts and stuff all over you and it would be gross.

Twitter appears now in every day vernacular. I’ll check Twitter on my phone when I’m bored, and I’ll share a funny tweet with whoever is around me. I’ll say, “Haha, look at what Matthew Broderick just said on Twitter…”

Or maybe your friend will say something funny, and then after people laugh, he’ll say, “I’m going to post that on Twitter.” And then he will.

And don’t even get me started with the hash tag. People have now taken the liberty to use the hash tag even when they’re not on Twitter. They’ll use it on Facebook, or Gchat, or in emails. Heck, people are now even using hash tags in verbal conversations. I actually know people who will break out the has tag mid-conversation.

And the worst part about it is that I don’t even think it’s weird. In fact, using verbal hash tags can actually work in certain contexts.

It just shows how far Twitter has come and how much it has weaved into the everyday workings of the world.

But that being said, somebody has finally taken it too far.  And to take it too far, it means you really have to do something stupid. And that they did.

Last night, at around 10 p.m., a baby was born.

That’s not abnormal. In fact, I’m sure hundreds of babies were born in the U.S. at around 10 p.m. last night. The unusual thing about this birth, though, is what the parents chose to name their child. Check it out.

Oh god.

Oh dear god.

Oh dear sweet mother of god.

Well first and foremost, I need to point out that we don’t have full empirical evidence to ascertain that this child really is named Hashtag. I want to see a birth certificate. With my own eyes, I want to see the name “Hashtag Jameson” printed on an officially documented and federally approved birth certificate.

Shannyn Sossamon with young Audio Science

But until then, I can at least pretend that these parents are morons.

Parents name their kids some weird things. One of the first celebrity parents to name their kid something weird was Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay’s Chris Martin, who named their kid Apple.

But then Beyonce and Jay-Z named their kid Blue Ivy.

And I recently found out that actress Shannyn Sossamon, who was in some shitty horror movie called One Missed Call, named her kid Audio Science. Yup.

It all reminds me of a Louis CK bit, as he discusses how their probably should be a law or two that prevents people from naming their kids whatever they want. I highly recommend watching it, it’s only two minutes long:

So all things considered, I suppose the name Hashtag isn’t that bizarre. But… it’s just what the name represents. To name your kid Hashtag, you are pretty much ensuring that your kid is going to not only become an Internet sensation only minutes after being born, but that he will probably be mocked in elementary school, and then beaten in high school.

I can just imagine bullies ganging up on him and saying something like, “Hashtag beatdown!” as they do it. Because we know how smart and creative bullies are.

Anytime he utters his name, people are going to laugh at him. Why do that to a kid?

I just don’t understand how any parents can think this is a good idea. I understand how maybe somebody can jokingly suggest to name their kid Hashtag, since the term is so culturally relevant right now, but then the joke wears out after about ten seconds. But these parents actually thought about it for days and weeks and months, and came to the determination that Hashtag was the best name to label their kid.

Ironically, it was Twitter and social media that helped spread the news of this baby so quickly. But that is probably what the parents wanted. I mean, they wasted no time getting the first pictures of the baby up on Facebook, after all.

So, as I said at the start, I actually have no problem with how Twitter has influenced popular culture. But all it took is for two idiotic parents to come along and ruin the fun for everyone. They took it too far, and now their son is a trending topic.

Both figuratively and literally.

#I’mOut.

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One thought on “Well, this was bound to happen sooner or later

  1. I really just hope the girl was a dumbass/was trying to be cute by writing out hashtag instead of doing “#” Meanwhile, in MY day # was either the “pound sign”, came before a number or, if you want to get REALLY fancy, used for pounds, i.e 3# flour. Sigh…..you kids these days with your shorthand and fancy technology! :p

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