Merry Christmas

/end of the world joke to start off today’s blog

We are now entering the final hours of Christmas Day. By now, you’ve all seen several different family members, you’ve watched all and/or some of either A Christmas Story and It’s a Wonderful Life, and you’ve opened presents. Unless you’re Jewish, and if you are, then I don’t care about you.

It’s impossible to be unhappy on Christmas. Everybody is so jolly and so optimistic that it is contagious. I see pictures on Facebook of my friends posing with their 90-year-old grandmas, and others posting photos of their dog in a Santa outfit, and it’s impossible to see that and not feel a little holiday cheer.

I really don’t have too much to offer today, but I wanted to wish everybody a very Merry Christmas. It’s been a wild year for our planet, and the 2012 word of the year — in the worst possible way — is Sandy. From Sandusky to Hurricane Sandy to Sandy Hook Elementary School, it’s just incredibly eerie how much tragedy that word was associated with this year.

And it’s also been a wild year for pop culture. We had —

12 Carly Raes
11 Gangnam Styles
10 Unimpressed McKayla Maroneys
9 Taylor Swift breakups
8 Katniss Everdeens
7 Clint Eastwoods talking to invisible chairs
6 Kate Middleton wardrobe scandals
5[0] Shades of Grey
4 One Directions (+1)
3 Kony 2012s
2 months of Linsanity
and a partridge in a pair tree.

We had a tightly contested presidential election that didn’t turn out to be tightly contested at all.

We had a 12/12/12 benefit concert that you wouldn’t see anywhere else in the world except for New York City.

We saw weed legalized in two states. And speaking of which, here is a funny clip of comedic actor Seth Rogen on Letterman last week, where the two had a five-minute casual conversation about marijuana.

And we had the Weinblog, as distasteful and mediocre as ever.

But enough reflecting on the past. The past is over, and the present is a gift, and that’s why they call it the future! I just butchered that saying awfully, didn’t I?

In exactly one week, it will be 2013. Something bizarre that recently occurred to me is that babies who are being born now, could conceivably live to the year 2100. All they’d have to do was live to be at least 87. How nuts is that?

So it’s time for everybody to set their New Years resolutions that they inevitably won’t achieve. I never try to concoct a New Years resolution, because it’s stupid, and yet — somebody always asks me if I have one.

And you can’t really just respond “no” because it makes you come off as complacent, unmotivated and lethargic. Which I completely am all of those things. but I just don’t need people to know that. So I have to come up with something like “get a better job” or “be nicer to people” or “travel.”

What do I really want to do this year? I want to overachieve and have sex with a really, really hot girl. I honestly think that can be doable. I want it to be a girl who people would look at and shed tears because she’s so good-looking.

If I’m going to reach for a lofty New Year’s resolution, then why can’t it be that? You see gorgeous chicks on television all the time. Why can’t I have sex with one them? Give me one good reason why.

And I don’t see why that wouldn’t be an admirable resolution. If I achieved it, it would do wonders for my self-esteem. I would think that if I can have sex with a “10,” then I can do anything. Achieving this resolution would set me on track to achieve my secondary New Years resolutions, like advancing in the working field, making more money, blah blah blah, and other unimportant things like that.

So there you have it. My New Years resolution is set.

If I can accomplish it, then I’ll have had the best year out of anyone I know. And trust me, come talk to me at this time next year, and you’ll know whether I accomplished it or not.

Alright so I have four more hours to keep eating unhealthy food with the excuse of “It’s the holidays” before I start hating myself. I might as well take advantage.

Oh and one piece of advice before I go — if you wear new clothes tomorrow that you only just got for Christmas today, then you are a poser. Try waiting a day.

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