Hockey’s back, the possible end of ‘Haylor’, and the worst hangover of my life

Wow, what a news-filled last couple of days.

Before I get into the bulk of our nation’s current events, allow me to talk about a more important topic first — me. On Friday night, I voluntarily made the responsible decision to take a night off from drinking.

For the first time in my life, I  turned down opportunities to go out, and I stayed in despite the fact that I had nothing on Saturday morning that I had to wake up for. Why did I do it? For one thing, my hangovers just aren’t what they used to be. In the past, I can spend an entire night drinking, wake up on five or six hours of sleep, and be good to go for round two.

Not anymore.

So when I do go out on Friday night, I spend my entire Saturday lying in bed, feeling like death. I didn’t want that anymore. I wanted to enjoy my Saturday. So I decided to stay in on Friday night. I went to bed a little after midnight and I got a solid nine-and-a-half hours of sleep. I woke up on Saturday feeling like a million bucks. I had no regrets of a drunk 4 a.m. Taco Bell visit, no hangover, no nothing. It was amazing.

How did I proceed to celebrate? By going out on Saturday, drinking several beers over the course of six hours, and then turning to mixed drinks and glasses of wine.

In my seven years of consuming alcohol, I can honestly say that I had never experienced a hangover like the one I felt on Sunday. It doesn’t even qualify as a hangover — I legitimately poisoned myself. I was sick to my stomach all day.

Every symptom that one can experience after a night of drinking — headache, nausea, dizziness, exhaustion, bloatedness — I felt all of them to the max. All morning, I felt as bad as I ever have. By 1 p.m., I saw God. It wasn’t until about 2 p.m. where I felt any sign of improvement at all, and then it wasn’t until about 4 p.m. when I knew I was going to survive the day. By 6 p.m., the symptoms had reduced to a normal hangover, and it wasn’t until this morning when I felt completely right again.

My advice to you all is twofold — do not get drunk on wine and liquor after you are already drunk on beer, and do not celebrate a night of sobriety by drinking twice as much as you usually do the following day. Call it a lesson learned the hard way.

But Sunday was not a total wash, as we learned that the National Hockey League and the Player’s Union reached an agreement, and that there will be hockey again this year. I’d venture to guess that 95% of American lives were completely unfazed by the fact that hockey had not been played this year. But the people who do love hockey — really love hockey. So it was very good news for some, myself included.

It’s baffling that an entire sports season could nearly be canceled because of petty financial agreements, let alone that it would have been the second time in less than a decade. The NHL is surely going to have to do a lot of ass-kissing to win back the fans. Nevertheless, there’s not many other places where you get to see grown men on ice skates beating the shit out of each other with sticks, so it’s nice to have it back.

Finally, possibly the biggest news that shocked people across the world today are the reports that Taylor Swift and Harry Styles have broken up. The couple had been together for two months, making it one of the longest relationships of Taylor’s life.

The split allegedly occurred while the two were vacationing together in the British Virgin Islands, when an argument led to Taylor leaving the island prematurely to return home.

She then posted this ominous, yet obvious-not-so-subtle-social-media-post-that-any-girl-would-make-when-she-just-broke-up-with-a-guy on Twitter:

Swift tweet

By all indications, it appears that the reports may be accurate, as of now. But after the harrowing Bieber/Gomez split of 2012 that resulted in them getting back together twelve minutes later, only to split up again right after that — we all know that anything is possible.

Harry Styles, meanwhile, handled the “breakup” by flying over to Virgin Records’ CEO Richard Branson’s estate in Necker Island — a private island that Branson actually OWNS (as in he owns an entire island) — to chill in a hot tub and mingle with girls.

Just writing that sentence pisses me off. When I have a bad experience with a girl, all I can do about it is go to my local bar and drink whiskey, and complain to my bartender who doesn’t really give a shit but will humor me so I keep buying drinks and leave more tips.

When Harry Styles undergoes a breakup, he frolics off to a private island.

Also, I had only learned this morning that the Taylor Swift/Harry Styles relationship had been given a celebrity nickname — Haylor. In my opinion, that is probably what doomed them. When your dubbed with a nickname by the media, let alone the most creative and unimaginable nickname possible, it can only lead to failure.

But who is the big winner in this “Haylor” split? Former American Idol finalist Tim Urban, who created a song about a month ago that Taylor might write once she breaks up with Styles:

Nailed it, Tim.

Oh and speaking of Bieber, apparently he has his own methods of handling a breakup as well.

Bieber blunt

All I can say is, bravo, Justin. It took you 18 years, but you finally grew up. Well done, kid. I’m proud of you.

Man, that was a lot to cover in a short period of time. I guess that is what happens when you go AWOL for four days. Sorry about that — I would have posted yesterday if it wasn’t for the fact that I was practically on my death bed.

But I am no longer hung over, Taylor Swift and Harry Styles are *allegedly* no longer together, hockey is back, and Justin Bieber is smoking weed.

All is right with the world.

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