Have you ever felt unpopular?
Have you ever felt like nobody notices you?
Does your Twitter account get no love, despite the fact that you’ve been a consistent Tweeter for three years?
Well, I certainly cannot help you with the first two, you sad sack of manure, but I today is your lucky day — because I can absolutely help you with the third one!
You see it all of the time. A celebrity, or even a quasi-celebrity creates a Twitter account, they get one shout out from another fellow celebrity, and within hours, they have thousands of followers. It’s unfair for us common folk. No matter how much we Tweet, and no matter how many times we Tweet at Taylor Swift seeking her attention, we just cannot get any love.
This is something I like to call the “Average Joe Syndrome,” where if you are not famous — you simply don’t matter. In fact there really is no purpose for you to even Tweet in the first place. Because, let’s face it — who cares? Your 20 followers who are your real-life friends, and your other 20 followers who are spammers?
But what if that could change? What if, in the blink of an eye, your 60 followers could jettison to 60,000? What if your name could transform from obscure to a trending topic?
There is now a way, and I am going to teach you in these quick and easy steps.
Step 1: Be incredibly hot — like, Miss USA hot.
If you were born with God-given, sheer natural beauty that radiates out of every pore in your body, then don’t hesitate to flaunt that. You only live once, and if you were lucky enough to be born hot, then you’d be an idiot to not take advantage of such.
In fact, take it one step further and enter yourself into beauty contests. And no, I don’t just mean becoming your local high school’s Homecoming Queen, I’m talking about becoming the most beautiful woman in your state — like as in, Miss Alabama 2012.
Once you accomplish that, you are immediately on your way towards gaining a few extra followers. But, don’t be content with that just yet, it’s the easy part. There’s still a lot more to go!
Step 2: Begin dating a star athlete on the eve of the biggest game of his lifetime.
This is America, you don’t need to earn your fame here. Our forefathers sacrificed their lives so that we can be free to coast and lounge our way to the big time, and boy should we be grateful for that.
So instead of working hard to make a name for yourself through your own accomplishments — what is the next easiest way to do that? If you said “date somebody who has earned their way, and then ride their coattails to the top,” then you’d be correct!
For instance, you can find yourself a star quarterback for a college football team that is riding an undefeated season, and is on the verge of winning its second consecutive BCS National Championship. A guy like that is bound to attract plenty of national attention, and with you serving as his arm candy during media events, then you are surely bound to garner some of that attention as well.
For example, do you think Stacy Keibler agreed to be George Clooney’s date to the 2012 Academy Awards because she was bored that night? She did it for the media boost — and by golly, why wouldn’t she have?
Learn from Stacy.
Step 3: Attend major sporting event — attract announcer’s attention
Last night’s BCS National Championship game between Alabama and Notre Dame drew approximately 26 million viewers.
So doesn’t it only make sense that you should pick that game — of all games — to have the announcer pinpoint and salivate all over you during the live broadcast? It’s a pretty simple yet brilliant strategy.
Why waste your time starting a blog? Why do interviews on podcasts or low-level radio and talk shows? Just simply pick one of the most-watched sporting events in the country outside of the Super Bowl, and allow your gorgeous mug to be spotlighted to millions of cold-blooded, hormone-raging sports fans across America.
Because once Brent Musburger talks you up, then you’re set for life. Just ask Jenn Sterger.
Step 4: Reap the benefits
Prior to last week, Katherine’s Webb Twitter followers were in triple digits. Yes, she had been designated as Miss Alabama 2012, but that feat was not enough to elevate her into national attention.
With a mere 30-second diatribe by Musburger on live television, Webb’s followers reached six digits in minutes, and only continues to rise. By simply being a gorgeous women, she became an overnight celebrity.
It doesn’t take rocket science. Nor am I saying it’s right. Fathers should not preach to their daughters that their success is contingent on their looks.
But if you are gorgeous, and you find the appropriate venue to spotlight your physical appearance to millions of people, even for just a few seconds — then this is surefire evidence that you will indeed become famous.
Heck, even LeBron James followed her during last night’s game.
And heck, even Donald Trump adores her now:
Although, to be fair, the Donald does co-own the Miss USA pageant. But still, I refuse to believe he knew who Katherine Webb was before last night.
Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron will never have a better looking girlfriend in his lifetime. With Webb, he overachieved. or to put it into sports vernacular — he “outkicked his coverage.”
Like all relationships, I’m sure it won’t last too long. Their lives will probably go in very separate ways. But both benefited — McCarron will one day get to tell his grand kids that he dated Miss Alabama 2012 while he won his second consecutive BCS National Championship, and Katherine Webb is now a celebrity.
It’s the American dream.