Oh no, there’s an outbreak of… the flu.

Whenever you hear the term “outbreak” on the news, you immediately think of the worst.

We think of some type of Avian Bird Flu that manifested in Kuwait and slowly made its way to America inside of a bat that had previously mated with a pig. And then when we get it, we’ll instantly all begin foaming from the mouth and die within seconds.

This was actually depicted in the 2011 film Contagion, which to be honest, was actually a pretty decent movie. The film was a drama comprising several intertwining characters and how they are dealing with a deadly virus that is killing everybody.

Everybody is always awaiting the next disease. We’ve read about the Bubonic Plague, Smallpox, Polio, diseases that are essentially nonexistent these days. But we still wonder, where’s our apocalypse-causing disease? The media doesn’t hesitate to jump at any opportunity to scare the shit out of us, whether it’s West Nile Virus, or the aforementioned bird flu, or even a chemical threat like Anthrax.

It’s only a matter of time until we get our comeuppance in the form of a deadly contagious disease. And now — according to reports — it is here.

The flu.

If you’ve been watching the news, you may have heard that Influenza, the basic illness that has existence since the dawn of mankind, is apparently causing a major threat to humanity.

The Houston Chronicle says that we are currently in the midst of the worst flu season in years.

NBC Health reports that the city of Boston has already declared a state of emergency.

And CNN — helpful as always — has listed a few suggestions on how to avoid the flu.

Their recommendations?

1) Get the flu shot. Did… did… they actually seek a doctor’s opinion for that? Because, you know, I think I could have told you that.

It takes a lot of gall to actually recommend the vaccine, or in other words, the cure, to prevent a disease.

2) Rest. God, that’s brilliant. When you’re sick… go to sleep. Seriously, where would we be without these suggestions?

And here’s another —

3) Don’t be old. Here is an excerpt from the CNN article:

What many people don’t know is that the flu vaccine becomes less effective as you get older or develop other medical problems.

Instead of actually offering substantial advice, CNN instead chose to mock old people.

Alright, what is going on here? The flu virus definitely sucks — nobody is questioning that. But people get the flu all of the time. It’s a contagious virus, and therefore, it spread quickly and rapidly. It tends to make its way through schools and office buildings, where groups of people are together in an enclosed space for extended periods of time. That’s what a virus does.

But there’s no need for the nationwide scare. What should we expect next? For media outlets to warn us against an outbreak of the common cold?

First of all, there’s no reason to not get your flu shot. So if you do happen to get the flu, then I have no qualms calling you an idiot. Getting the shot costs only about $25, and it takes five minutes. Whether you trust that the vaccine will actually work is a separate issue, because you might as well at least try it. 

The worst case scenario is that it makes you feel a little crummy for a day or two. The best case scenario is that it prevents you from having a weeklong illness where you feel like utter shit.

In fact, I hope there is a deadly flu virus upon us. It would be a new-age survival of the fittest. It would be Darwinism at its best, as the people who stubbornly refused to get the flu shot would be exterminated.

Although, anybody who watched Downton Abbey season 2 knows not to take the threat of a flu epidemic too lightly — just ask Europe in the early 1900s, when the Spanish Flu killed between 20 to 50 million people — or 1.3 percent of the world’s population at the time.

Hmm, maybe we should be worried. In fact, this is the type of blog post that usually precedes a major outbreak that kills off everybody. Oh well, can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Anyway, I want to take this time to wish a very happy 31st birthday to Catherine Elizabeth “Kate” Middleton, also known as the Duchess of Cambridge.

Kate Middleton3

A true vision of beauty, elegance, class and royalty, Kate Middleton deserves to have a wonderful, influenza-free birthday. Middleton officially set the bar a couple of years ago as far as highly-publicized weddings go, and since then, girls of all ages have dreamed that one day they can have a wedding that is nearly as beautiful.

And they will all be let down. Tremendously.

So we can thank Kate for that.

And speaking of influenza-free, I’m watching the People’s Choice Awards on CBS right now, and dayumn, Taylor Swift sure had something to prove tonight. It’s been just a couple of days off her *alleged* breakup with the One Direction toolbag, and she got herself all kinds of dolled up for tonight’s festivities.

And dare I say it — even went a little bit risqué with the outfit?

Taylor Swift peoples choice

As a staunch admirer of Taylor Swift, I can only nod my head in appreciation. I might bookmark this page for later. When I… make artwork… or something.

I must also congratulate Taylor for being selected to perform at this year’s Grammy awards on February 10th. Hopefully Kanye won’t ruin the moment for her. Also slated to perform is Fun., Rihanna, the Black Keys and one of my personal favorites, Mumford & Sons. Should be a damn good show. Also, if Taylor Swift and Mumford & Sons collaborated it would make me very pleased.

Mumford & Swift!

Taylor & Sons?


I’m just going to go back and stare at that picture.

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