Taking the phrase “I need a vacation” to a whole new level

Everybody dreams about taking a vacation.

On any given day, we want to get up from bed, pack our bags and hop on a plane to get the hell out of wherever we are. And I don’t just mean a 3-day weekend in Vermont. I mean a long vacation. On some remote, distant island where our biggest fear is what fruity drink we should sip on when we lounge on the beach.

But how long are we talking here? A week? Two weeks? How long does a vacation get before you become kind of tired of living the exotic life, and just want to return home to your own bed and life?

And what if you went on a vacation — and never came back?

Well now you can.

A Netherlands-based nonprofit organization called Mars One has made it its mission to put humanity on Mars no later than the year 2023. In ten years, the team of Dutch physicians, engineers, researchers and entrepreneurs have made it their goal to create a habitable human outpost on the fourth closet planet to the sun.

Space shuttleThe best part? Though the team remains 10 years away from its goal, they are already seeking out their volunteer astronauts to make the trip.

The criteria to be selected is that you must be intelligent, have good mental and physical health, and a dedication to the project.

Really? That’s it? Wow. That sounds like the criteria one needs to get into college, and not the requirements to go on a voyage through outer space.

I’d say that “dedication to the project” is arguably the most important attribute that you need to be selected. For one thing, the trip to Mars is expected to take at least seven months. Seven months. Think about the time you drove with your parents to New Hampshire when you were a kid, and how the 6-hour car ride felt like an eternity.

Think about how awful it would be to spend 24 hours on a plane, flying to China or India.

Now think about that trip, and think about doing it about 180 times over. Because that’s how long it would take you to get to Mars. And that’s the best-case scenario. Since no human beings have ever attempted to fly to Mars, I think it’s safe to assume that the trip would not go swimmingly. Who the heck knows what you might encounter up there. I’d say that you’d be lucky to even make it to Mars at all.

And as to what happens when you get there? Well, let me quote directly from the Mars One website.

The Mars One astronauts will depart Earth with the assumption they will never return.

I mean, you have to really hate Earth to want to leave it and never come back. It’s hard to think of people who would feel that way. A convicted felon might be willing to do so. Perhaps somebody who recently lost the love of their live might want to embark on a sojourn to planet Mars. Or maybe some astronomy aficionado who just really, really loves outer space.

Although I’d be glad to nominate people who I would like to see go — Kanye West, Justin Bieber, Paris Hilton, off the top of my head.

But I suppose that if you’re somebody who — like me — has already determined that they probably will not make a name for themselves in this lifetime, then this might be the way to do it. If you make it to Mars, you’ll be remembered forever. Your name will be right up there with Neil Armstrong. Except, unlike Neil, you unfortunately will never have gotten to make the return trip home.

And if the trip fails, and you perish in outer space, then you’ll still be remembered as the first person who tried to go to Mars. Hey, it’s a pathetic way to be remembered, but it’s better than nothing, right? Plus, it’s not like movies have never been made before about failed space missions. Am I right, Apollo 13?

If you happen to be reading my blog, and are reading about this for the first time, and you actually have interest, then go here to learn about the selection process, you crazy sonofabitch.

Speaking of crazy sonofabitch, I talked yesterday about how hot Taylor Swift looked — “breakup hot,” one might say — at the People’s Choice Awards. Well, she subsequently went on to win the award for favorite female vocalist.

As she accepted the award, she was “Kanye’d” by Olivia Munn.

God, I would love to see those two make out.

*Fantasizes for several seconds… then looks around, realizes he’s still blogging.*

Oh right, where was I? I love how a verb has actually originated from the notorious VMA incident from a few years ago — Kanye’d. I’m going to try to find a context to include that word in my daily vocabulary. “Yo, don’t Kanye me, bro!”

To be honest though, it got a little uncomfortable watching that unfold. It was fun and lighthearted, but Taylor Swift genuinely looked a little annoyed. Perhaps it did indeed bring back bad memories.

Swift Kanye

Actually I don’t really blame Taylor for still being annoyed by that. Just looking at that image still pisses me off.

God damn it, Kanye. Somebody send that man to Mars, STAT.

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