The Golden Globes, aka, the Gathering of the Elites

While watching the final hour of last night’s 70th Annual Golden Globes Awards, a thought occurred to me. With so many celebrities, so many jokes and so many speeches compacted into one three-hour show, there is a lot to comment on. Furthermore, the platform represents a prime opportunity for people to embarrass themselves.

So my thought was — why wait until 24 hours later to be commenting on it? I should be live blogging this shit. It was too late to start, as the show was two-thirds complete, but I’ve decided that during the next big awards shows — like the Grammys on Feb. 10, or the Academy Awards on Feb. 24 — I am going to give it a go at live blogging. It should be fun. And a giant waste of time for all parties involved.

But fun nonetheless.

So, as I said, there’s plenty to talk about with last night’s Golden Globe Awards. My first realization was that not only did NBC have an hour-long Red Carpet Special preceding the ceremony, but they also had a “First Look” show preceding the Red Carpet Special.

Is that really necessary? Do we really need to give these celebrities, who already must have the most inflated egos imaginable, even more limelight?

One can’t help but be self-aware when watching an event like the Golden Globes, and try to gain some perspective about what exactly we are witnessing. Yes, it is admittedly enjoyable to see the best films of the year be awarded and acknowledged. These are all films that I either have watched, or will watch, and will most likely enjoy. So I can’t really sit here and act like I’m holier than thou.

But you’re really watching a three-hour love-fest of the biggest celebrities in the world. People like Meryl Streep, Tom Hanks and Daniel Day Lewis are praised for changing the world through acting, and for being such wonderful and inspiring people. It’s almost sickening. And yet, millions of people watch it and buy into it. Including me.

It’s just the way it is. The world needs its iconic faces. In the days of yesteryear, we had Clarke Gable, Cary Grant and Gregory Peck, and now we have people like Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney and Brad Pitt. It’s the way it’s always been, and the way it always will be. America needs Hollywood to keep things interesting. It represents the gossip, the hopes and dreams and the aristocracy that keeps our entire society balanced.

But anyway, let’s analyze the night, shall we? People love to talk about fashion, and discuss “who wore it best” and whatnot, but I just like to look at which women looked the hottest. That’s all I’m concerned with, and that sort of relates to fashion, I think.

Jennifer Lawrence2Jessica Chastain2Claire Danes3

Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Chastain and Claire Danes — all winners on the night — stood out to me the most. But heck, these three could have worn garbage bags on the red carpet and they probably still would have stood out to me.

I couldn’t possibly care less about who designed the dress, what type of purse they carried or how expensive their jewelry was. That does not interest me in the slightest. I am not Ryan Seacrest.

As you Globie fans may remember, Ricky Gervais hosted the show the past three years. He is definitely a hilarious guy, and I genuinely respect him for having the guts to insult all of the celebrities who are present at the awards show. It was a perfect way to balance out all of the praising that goes on otherwise.

However, that being said — Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were hysterical. The pair are great together, and if these two gals ever become frenemies at some point in life, the world will be a much less happier place.

Their opening monologue alone made me crack up a good four or five times, Here it is:

Oh and by the way, who the heck is the Hollywood Foreign Press? Is it exactly how it sounds? Just a bunch of foreign people who like movies? How does the organization gain both the funds and the credibility to run an annual awards show like this?

It honestly seems like they have a lot of pull in the film industry, because every winner on the night made it a point of emphasis to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press instantaneously as they stepped up to the microphone, and maybe I imagined it, but they all looked a little scared doing it.

Oh and Taylor Swift was present at the awards ceremony, and she wasn’t looking to shabby herself.

Taylor Swift GGsTaylor was nominated for Best Original Song in a Motion Picture for her original track, “Safe and Sound,” which was part of the Hunger Games soundtrack. Unfortunately, she lost out on the Golden Globe to Adele, whose Skyfall theme song earned her the top prize. I think it’s just getting to the point where if Adele’s name is attached to something, she wins it automatically.

I can’t be too upset because she’s obviously extremely talented, but I just can’t stand hearing her voice. Her talking voice, that is. I had no idea that people could be that British until I heard Adele speak. She needs to find a way to control that.

And speaking of Jennifer Lawrence, she won the Golden Globe for Best Leading Actress in a Comedy or Musical for her role in Silver Linings Playbook, and upon stepping onto the stage, she made a joke about how she “beat Meryl Streep.”

You can tell that a lot of people in the audience were not amused by the remark, probably because they don’t think a 22-year-old has the right to talk smack on a 17-time Oscar nominee like Streep, but what the majority of them failed to realize is that Jennifer was making a joke. 

The line was actually a reference to The First Wives Club, a 1996 film where Bette Midler recites the same exact line in almost the same exact context. In fact, Jennifer actually used the joke flawlessly.

But by far the funniest moment of the night belonged to presenters Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig, who jokingly pretended to describe each movie in the Comedy/Musical category based on their titles. Just watch:

I was legitimately in tears by the end of it. Bravo to the two of them. They should totally host the show next year. And god damn — Kristen Wiig looked absolutely smoking hot in that dress. She is just hot in general, but for a 39-year-old, she looks remarkable.

Also, the cut to Tommy Lee Jones at the 3:30 mark was epic. Jesus Christ, lighten up Tommy — it was funny!

Other points of interest on the night were Ben Affleck winning the Globe for Best Director, when he wasn’t even nominated for in the Oscars, which I thought was a pretty big travesty. Daniel Day Lewis unsurprisingly took home the award for Best Leading Actor in a Drama, and Jodie Foster apparently came out publicly as a lesbian, even though I thought that was common knowledge for decades.

Oh and Les Miserables racked up its fair share of awards — most notable Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway, who took home hardware for their parts in the movie. It just goes to show, if you can sing and dance, and especially at the same time — you’re going to take home some bling. Even if you do have a haircut that resembles a 14-year-old boy.

All in all, it was pretty copacetic as far as large-scale events go. There was no Kanye West on stage interrupting acceptance speeches, no wardrobe malfunctions, no Melissa Leo on-stage dropping the F-bomb, and no Ashlee Simpson hoedown.

It was just hundreds of the world’s most astonishing, talented, brilliant, effervescent, precious and important people, all together in one gigantic room.

God bless their souls.

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