If you’re going to have the audacity to even attempt to assassinate somebody, then at least get it right

Okay, so I know how condemning the title of this blog post looks for me considering that yesterday was the presidential inauguration. The CIA, FBI and the Secret Service probably still have their computer algorithms set to catch anybody who even types the word “assassinate.”

However, this post is not about anything too bad, so I know that the remainder of today’s blog will exonerate me. However, the government may not get further than the first paragraph, so if you don’t hear from me tomorrow, can somebody please retrieve me from Guantanamo Bay? I’ve seen Zero Dark Thirty, and I know what goes on there.

Anyway, the incident I am referring to occurred on Saturday in Bulgaria. The target was a Turkish politician named Ahmed Dogan, who was giving a speech on live television, and who apparently is a controversial figure in the country.

While he delivered his speech, a leather jacketed crusader hopped on stage and pointed a gun at Dogan at point-blank range, and somehow, the gun malfunctioned and failed to shoot. The would-be assassin was wrestled to the ground and savagely beaten by a bunch of people who may or may not have been security.

Don’t believe me? Here is the footage!

Pretty outrageous stuff.

Actually, on second thought — I think calling him an “assassin” is an insult to assassins everywhere. Let’s just call him “the idiot.”

So the idiot was later identified as 25-year-old Oktay Enimehmedov, who besides having an unpronounceable name, has a criminal history.

It was also later revealed that Enimehmedov — and yes, I had to copy and paste that because there’s no way in hell I am typing that out again — was actually using a gas pistol. According to experts, such a gun is not capable of killing people, however, it can cause life-threatening injuries when fired at an extremely close range. Which this was.

Since this occurred — and subsequently went viral on YouTube — there have actually been conflicting points as to whether the idiot actually meant to kill Dogan. In fact, apparently the gun was filled with pepper spray. So while the idiot may not have intended to kill the Bulgarian politician, he clearly meant to cause serious harm, or at the very least — send a message.

Oh, he sent a message, alright. He sent a message that he is really, really dumb.

It’s one thing to try to kill someone. It’s another thing to commit murder in cold blood. But it’s a whole new level of recklessness to even pretend to assassinate somebody. To storm onto a stage and cause a scene, and go as far as pointing a gun in the face of a powerful, important individual takes a lot of stupidity.

Even O.J. Simpson thinks this guy is dumb.

First of all, since the idiot’s faux assassination attempt didn’t even work, it gave the immediate impression that he was aiming to kill, and thus the idiot is extremely fortunate that he wasn’t shot dead right on the spot. If this happened in America, then the guy would’ve been deader faster than Manti Teo’s fake girlfriend.

Which begs the next question — Were the hell were the police officers? Or as they call them in Bulgarian — politsaĭ.

If this Dogan guy was important enough to deliver a speech on live television, shouldn’t have there been some type of security present? Even if it’s not a bodyguard, or a police presence, then maybe like… a bouncer or something? The bar I got drunk at last Saturday night had more protection than this entire political forum.

Instead you have a bunch of guys in suits curb stomping him on live television.

And secondly, how did the idiot botch this so badly? If you are going to make the god-awful decision of going through with this plan, then shouldn’t you, you know, like practice it or something? I mean, he could have flicked a rubber band at the guy with his fingers and managed to cause more pain.

The guy’s stupidity is unquestionable considering he has already publicly expressed regret that his plan didn’t work.

So basically, this guy’s actions has caused him to receive every single consequence an assassin would have to deal with, without actually assassinating anybody. He got beaten, he’ll be persecuted and he’ll even be labeled as “an assassin.” He even was given an out considering the gun misfired — he could have plead insanity and said he knew the gun wouldn’t shoot. Instead, he goes ahead and confesses.

The one silver lining that a real assassin has — albeit a delusional silver lining — is the joy of knowing that their attempt was successful, and that they sent a resounding political message.

And he even went ahead and screwed that up.

Katniss EverdeenCan you imagine if this guy ever took part in the Hunger Games? He’d be dead in two minutes. Katniss Everdeen would take a nap, fry a squirrel, and then kill him with her bow and arrow before he even had the time to figure out how to successfully pull a trigger.

But you know, it’s unfortunate that all assassins couldn’t be this dumb. If that were the case, then great men like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., or John Lennon, or Abraham Lincoln might still be alive today.

It’s a shame.

Damn it, now I’m craving fried squirrel.

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