How to enjoy the Super Bowl if you are a girl

Well everyone, we are now on the cusp of Super Bowl Eve Eve, and in just about 70 short hours, we will be watching the biggest game that mankind has to offer.

God put humans on this Earth so that one day we would unite and watch the Super Bowl together. As one. Forget mass. Forget Good Friday. Forget Lent. The Super Bowl is the holiest day of the year.

A lot of us take the Super Bowl for granted. I’m a big sports fan, so I can watch any game of any sport and appreciate it.

However, a lot of the people who may even be at your own Super Bowl party do not care about football in the slightest. But it’s the Super Bowl, so they watch anyway. And now that I think about it, it must be extremely freaking dull to watch a sporting event for five hours when you really don’t have any interest in it at all.

And I’m pretty much just talking to girls here. Yes, I know it’s 2013, and sexism was so five years ago. But let’s face it — I know plenty of girls watch football, but if you took a survey of all the people in the United States who don’t like football, we all know at least 80% of those people would be girls.

So what can girls do to keep themselves entertained during the Super Bowl? Well, there’s the obvious solution of simply just getting drunk. That would solve everything.

Another popular item is for all of the girls in the room is to join together and talk, and not even acknowledge the fact that a game is going on. I’ve seen this plenty of times. In fact, sometimes they even go into another room. What they talk about, god only knows.

But luckily there are other options. In fact, there are other television stations that actually cater to people who don’t like football.

Like Animal Planet.

Puppy Bowl

The ninth annual Puppy Bowl will air on Animal Planet and will run concurrently with the Super Bowl.

I don’t care how masculine any man might think they are, you can’t not enjoy the Puppy Bowl. It’s a bunch of little puppies running around in a box with a toy football. At best, it’s the most adorable thing in the world, and it worst, it’s just a little cute.

So if the Super Bowl is dragging a little bit, and you spot a girl in the room who is looking kind of bored, and maybe has taken to perusing through her phone to kill time, then just flip to the Puppy Bowl for a minute or two. You’ll see her look of indifference immediately change to an expression of sheer joy. In other words, it’s something I never see whenever a girl makes eye contact with me.

But if the Puppy Bowl is not for you, then you could always tune into Spike TV for…

Lingerie Bowl

Sadly, as I type this blog post, I just learned right now that there will be no Lingerie Bowl this year.

Apparently the league actually wants to be taken seriously as a women’s football league, and it did away with the lingerie and moved its schedule from the fall to the spring. That is extremely… disappointing, to say the least.

Oh well, I guess the Puppy Bowl it is.

However, there are other elements during the Super Bowl to keep you occupied. What is the thing people anticipate the most heading into the big game? The commercials!

Corporations pay millions of dollars for airspace during the Super Bowl, and usually go to great lengths to try to make their advertising as appealing as possible. Therefore, during commercial breaks, instead of a 2-minute infomercial about the Snuggie, you’re going to see humorous 45-second clips that feature a lot of gags, explosions and celebrity cameo appearances.

Most of them end up being pretty stupid, but there always a few gems in the bunch that make it worth it to pay to close attention during the commercial breaks.

The most famous advertiser? Budweiser. After their successful Bud-Weis-Er bullfrog ads of yesteryear, they’ve pretty much set the bar for the best commercials. And guess what? You’re in luck, because Budweiser has already released one of its ads.

Now girls, let me warn you — this one is a tear-jerker. I am somebody who never cries, and even I got choked up a little while watching it. If you love sentimental things, and horses, then oh boy, get the Kleenex box ready.

Isn’t that just lovely? Again, the masculine ones won’t admit it, but they’ll be crying inside.

And apparently that baby horse that they show in the beginning of the video is only about a week old.

So there you go. Girls, I really hope you enjoy yourselves on Sunday, and trust me, I know that many of you know sports. A lot of you know it better than many guys.

But when the channel changes momentarily from the Super Bowl to the Puppy Bowl, you know — you know  — that you are silently praying that the channel does not change back.

Don’t lie.

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