Outlining the Oscars

The jokes have been made, the awards have been distributed and the fashion police have pointed out their fashion faux pas — the Oscars, and the 2013 awards season, has officially come to a close.

But speaking of fashion police, can Ryan Seacrest just have a little bit of a pride? I mean, just a little? As usual, I did my best to avoid any type of red carpet specials prior the ceremony, and yet, I still put it on for five minutes just to make sure I wasn’t missing anything. Not only did I not miss anything, but in those five minutes I heard Ryan Seacrest ask about six different women, “Who are you wearing?”

I can promise you that whether I live to be 30 or whether I live to be 100, you will never — not once — hear the words “Who are you wearing?” come from my mouth. Come on, Ryan. I want you to be better.

Also, I guess the words “Academy Awards” have officially been outlawed? I don’t think I heard those words uttered once during last night’s telecast. Not that it’s a big deal, but just saying.

So the first twenty minutes or so of the show were more anticipated than usual, as “controversial” host Seth MacFarlane delivered the traditional opening monologue. I say controversial because many people were wondering if he might be too inappropriate for the Oscars. Heck, he even parodied that notion by having William Shatner Skype his way onto the stage, informing Seth of what tomorrow’s headlines are going to read.

I thought that was hysterical, because by doing that, he’s beating all of these “holier than thou” entertainment blogs to the punch.

And unsurprisingly, the critics were indeed harsh. Seth’s shtick has apparently been branded as sexist, distasteful, unfunny and ill-conceived. 

My response to these “experts?” Lighten the hell up. I personally thought Seth MacFarlane did a terrific job, and was lightyears better than last year’s host, Billy Crystal. As host, MacFarlane kept a good pace, didn’t overdo it, and maintained the perfect balance between being edgy and wholesome. Were some of his jokes a little outdated? Yeah. He threw in a couple digs about Chris Brown and Mel Gibson that may have been more timely in 2011 rather than 2013, but, who cares?

The real reason people are being so tough on MacFarlane? Because they were expecting him to fail. These writers all were appalled that their prestigious Academy Awards were being hosted by the dude who created Family Guy, and they were going to bash him no matter what.

I actually rewatched his opening monologue about an hour ago — since I DVR’d that shit — and it was even funnier than I remember it being last night. So all of these knee-jerk reactions are a direct result of premeditated expectations. Nothing more and nothing less.

As an unofficial entertainment blogger and a just a regular movie fan, I applaud you, Seth. Thank you for doing a solid job last night. You made the Oscars very enjoyable for me.

And speaking of controversy, the Onion made headlines last night also. The satirical news network was live-Tweeting the Oscars last night, and one of their Tweets in particular drew the ire of, well, everyone.

Onion tweet

The Tweet was obviously meant to be of the “so ridiculous that we’re obviously joking” variety, but, many people took offense. After an outlash of negative comments to the remark, and even some articles, the Onion deleted the Tweet less than an hour later, and then issued a formal apology. 

Let’s be real here. Was the Tweet funny? Not really. But was I offended by it? Hell no.

Again, people just need to lighten up a little. It’s getting to the point where everybody is actually looking at and scrutinizing every little thing to ensure its appropriateness. It’s almost a form of reverse-censorship.

It’s the same with all these publications that are overanalyzing Seth MacFarlane’s jokes. By actually searching for sexism, or racism, then you are actually the ones who are perpetuating the stereotypes. How is that beneficial to anybody?

But let’s get to the actual awards.

The least shocking award recipients were Daniel Day Lewis and Anne Hathaway, who were as close to shoe-ins as you’ll ever find. But other than that, everything was pretty much up for grabs. Jennifer Lawrence, at the ripe age of 22, took home her first Oscar — while taking a spill in the process — Christoph Waltz won his second statue in three years, and Argo took home best picture, with means Ben Affleck has officially supplanted Matt Damon as the most successful of the Good Will Hunting duo. Who the hell thought that would happen 10 years ago?!

Also, all the freaks and mutants nominated for the special effects and technical awards were situated in their rightful place in the furthest most crevasse of the theater. Thank god for that.

In all seriousness, I really appreciated Ben Affleck’s speech. It was emotional, endearing, and most importantly, it was genuine. My biggest Oscar pet peeve are the people who win an award and do one of two things — either exude fake emotion a la Anne Hathaway (see image), or just read off a grocery list of people who they so desperately need to thank. Whatever happened to uttering some type of humorous anecdote and or insightful musing? You’re on the grand stage with millions of people watching. say something interesting for crying out loud! So I thank Ben Affleck for that.

Also, there were a couple of fun facts I learned during last night’s telecast — apparently Daniel Day Lewis is the first male to win the Oscar for Best Leading Actor three times. Additionally, something I had not realized was that every nominee for Best Supporting Actor (Robert De Niro, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Waltz, Alan Arkin and Tommy Lee Jones) had previously won an Oscar before. So that’s interesting.

And back to Jennifer Lawrence. Seriously, how can you not love this girl? She’s awkward, funny, natural and she just gets it. Just watch her post-Oscar interview and tell me you’re not a fan.

She’s an extremely hard person not to like. And she already had the benefit of the doubt from me because she’s hot. Remember kids, physical appearance over inner beauty — always. But when a hot girl just happens to have the inner beauty, then that is a rarity. J-Law has both.

So what else happened? Oh yeah, some quality musical performances. Apparently this year’s Oscars had a musical theme, which I have no problem with. And at this point, I’m pretty convinced that Adele is automatically going to win every award that exists in our universe.

A Grammy? Obviously. Golden Globe? Oscar? She’s got one of each. How about we hand her a Pulitzer Prize or a Purple Heart? I’m sure she’s done enough to deserve them. In fact, I think her rendition of “Skyfall” may have actually secured peace in the Middle East, so there you go.

But another musical performance that I did love was the cast of Les Misérables performing “One Day More.” I already have said how much I enjoyed the movie, and that song happened to be my favorite one from the flick. So I was really glad they performed it.

Check it out:

But after nearly four hours of the Oscars, I can honestly say that I enjoyed the festivities. It was a huge upgrade over the bland 2012 ceremony, and the award distribution was wide-spread among several different deserving movies. By my calculations, Life of Pi took home 4 Oscars, and that was the most that any movie won.

Heck, even Michelle Obama made a cameo appearance, as she tried to outdo Bill Clinton’s surprise guest spot at the Golden Globes.

I don’t know how, or why, or when, but it would be awesome if I somehow, one day, could win an Oscar. Even if it was one of the shitty Oscars that they don’t present on-screen. It can’t be too hard to make an animated short-film, can it? I can write a full-length screenplay, right? I can portray our nation’s most famous and respected president, can’t I?

Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t get ahead of myself just yet. Grammy first.

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