Stop the presses! Glee is performing its 500th song

The television series Glee burst onto the scene in 2009 to instant acclaim and popularity.

I’ll admit, even I watched the pilot and thought it was decent. But then after a couple more episodes, I realized that the writers basically weren’t even trying to create intelligent story lines outside of the singing, and were just resorting to cheap and cliché high-school drama. And that it was it for me. I haven’t watched an episode since. Not even a minute of an episode.

Every now and then I’ll check out one of their cover performances on YouTube to see what the fuss is about, but even that lost its enchantment for me once I learned how liberally the show’s producers use autotune. To be perfectly honest, I forget that the show still even exists until I see commercials for it.

Glee became successful because it burst on the scene at exactly the right moment. Not only do people love singing and dancing, but they love singing and dancing by young, relatable, good-looking people.

And not only do they love singing and dancing by young, relatable, good-looking people, but they love singing and dancing by young, relatable, good-looking people who sing songs that they already like.

It’s ingenious. They’re basically just looking at the charts, seeing what’s at the top, and saying, “Okay, let’s sing that one next week.” Honestly, the FOX producers must have been laughing their asses off when they purchased the rights to the show. Because they knew it was going to be a hit. Adding a legit Broadway musician like Lea Michele and a popular actress like Jane Lynch was just icing on the cake.

And now after four years of production, Glee has reached a new “milestone” — its 500th song.

I used quotations to emphasize the fact that this is not actually a milestone. A 500th episode is a milestone. A 500th song on the charts is a milestone. A 500th song in general — means nothing.

First of all, they sing several songs an episode. So for this number to have been tabulated, that means somebody actually went through every single episode and counted every time a song was sung. Somebody spent their time doing that.

Secondly, Glee is a show that revolves around its cast singing songs. It’s what they do. So publicizing their 500th song would be like if the producers of Friends publicized the 500th time that Chandler sat down on the couch in the coffee-house. Which by my calculations, he did 324 times.

For those wondering at home — the songs that the Glee cast record actually enter the Billboard Hot 100. Indeed, they did so 25 times in 2010, falling six shy of the Beatles’ 1964 record of 31. Whew. Thank God. If Glee had surpassed the Beatles, I would have —

Wait, what? Oh, shit. The following year, Glee placed 80 songs on the Billboard Hot 100.

Eighty.

And bear in mind, these are songs that both have already been recorded, and were already made popular by someone else.

In February of 2011, the show passed Elvis Presley with the most total songs to ever place on the charts, despite the fact that approximately one-quarter of Glee‘s songs did not remain charted for longer than a week.

So remind me again, why are we celebrating their 500th song in a positive light? If anything, this milestone should serve as acknowledgement that Glee has completely tainted the record books.

It’s like the Holocaust. We don’t celebrate the Holocaust. We remember it. We’ve devoted museums and memorials to it. It’s because people need to know just how terrible it was. So whenever the media commemorates anything Glee has done, it should be for the sole purpose of undermining and disparaging it. Because, like the Holocaust, our children — and their children — need to know how harmful this show was for the music industry.

And don’t have a hissy fit, I’m not comparing Glee to the Holocaust. Spending months in a Concentration Camp is obviously less desirable than having to endure auto-tuned amateur singing.

By the way, speaking of the Billboard Hot 100, do you know what is currently #1 on the charts right now?

Baauer

Congratulations, America — you asked for it.

So it’s only a matter of time before we see the likes of Lea Michele, Cory Monteith, Dianna Agron and Darren Criss (yes, I looked up the cast) putting on their dance moves alongside the words “Con los terroristas,” which, my minimal ability to speak Spanish tells me translates to “With the terrorists.”

And it’s only appropriate. Because the invasion that Glee has cast over our nation’s music might as well be considered an act of terror.

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One thought on “Stop the presses! Glee is performing its 500th song

  1. They are teasing Rachel’s pregnant….I’m rooting for an abortion. God help me.

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