The last person in the world who still wanted to move to Cleveland just changed their mind

Cleveland has never exactly been a place that was considered a great tourist attraction.

They had LeBron James for a few years, and things were going pretty well, but even he packed up his bags and left. I’m sure there are some nice areas of Cleveland where one can dwell and receive a good education, but for the most part, it doesn’t exactly have the greatest reputation.

And now it just got worse. Much worse.

Normally when I discuss a news story I’ll post a link that provides a general description of the events to afford those who didn’t know what I was talking about an opportunity to catch up. But in this case, I do not think that is necessary.

Just Google the words “Amanda Berry” or “Ohio kidnappings,” and you’ll get hundreds of results. But just to sum up, three young girls, who were 14, 16, and 21, respectively, were kidnapped between the years of 2002 and 2004 in Cleveland. They were then discovered on May 6. Not May 6, 2005. Not even 2008. But May 6, 2013. As in this Monday.

Naturally, when someone goes missing for a decade, they’re eventually going to be presumed dead, even with the absence of hard evidence.

I’d go as far as saying after just one year of disappearing, and a lack of suspects or clues, that it would be safe to presume that the person is dead. One year is a long time.

So for these three girls to go missing for upwards of 10 years, survive, and maintain their will to live — it’s unfathomable. It’s one of those things that you’d see in a movie, and regardless of how good the movie is, you’d still stare at the closing credits and say, “Yeah, but… that would never happen.”

Well, it did. These three girls, Amanda Berry, now 27, Gina DeJesus, 23, and Michelle Knight, 30, were all kept chained in a basement for several years, were probably tortured, beaten and raped, and then escaped.

The three girls were rescued by a man named Charles Ramsey, who lived next door to the sadistic captor. He heard the screaming of Amanda Berry and proceeded to kick down the door to rescue the three girls.

It also just so happens that Ramsey happens to be one of the most awesome men to ever exist. I remember I posted a video of the uncle of the two kids who committed the Boston bombings, and said that guy was awesome. Well compared to Ramsey, that uncle sucks.

Watch this interview. Watch it right now.

“I knew something was wrong when a little pretty white girl ran into a black man’s arms. Something is wrong here. Dead giveaway. Deaaaad giveaway!”

Oh my God. That quote is absolutely golden. I’ve watched about three of his other interviews, and he’s equally as hilarious in all of them. The best part is that he never fails to start his dialogue with the fact that he was eating McDonalds, as if it’s an absolutely integral part of the story.

And by the way, after public demand, McDonalds has already said they are going to reward Ramsey soon.

This is just one of those stories that is just impossible to ignore. And what I mean by that is, when you first hear about big news, most people become too lazy to actually take the time to learn what the news is. We are all absorbed in our own lives, our own happenings, and to actually process a story means we have to do one of two things — read an actual article, or watch a news video.

For lazy people like me, that’s like asking us to climb a mountain. The prospect of having to sit still and read a full-length article is frightening.

But when you hear about the story from three different sources, there comes a time when you say, “Alright, I gotta read up on this shit.” This story definitely falls into that category.

Oh and just as an FYI, here is a photo of Amanda Berry, the one who screamed for Ramsey to rescue her. She has a child now, which presumably was fathered by one of her captors, which is just another crazy twist to this astounding story.

She is the middle one. Normally it’s a standard compliment to identify a girl as pretty, but here, I don’t know. It feels immoral for that to be my first thought after all that she’s been through. But yeah, she’s cute. Hey, at least I didn’t say, “I’d hit that.” Because that would just be wrong. Even just saying “At least I didn’t say that” is wrong. Perhaps I should just end this paragraph.

Honestly, the government just needs to give millions of dollars to these three girls, and let them do whatever the hell they want. After being held hostage for almost 10 years, they shouldn’t ever have to struggle to find work, or pay bills, or in Berry’s case, have trouble feeding her child. These girls deserve to live out their life experiencing nothing but happiness and joy.

And also, lost in the shock-factor of this story is the fact that some dude actually got away with holding three girls hostage in his basement for 10 years. Not only is he an absolute monster, but either he’s the greatest criminal mastermind our world has ever seen, or the Cleveland Police Department is just really, really bad at their jobs.

Another ringing endorsement for Cleveland.

I guess there’s no more appropriate way to leave off this post but by showing the Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video.


One thought on “The last person in the world who still wanted to move to Cleveland just changed their mind

  1. The day after this all happened and details started to come out, a customer said the following
    “You know, I’m glad a black man saved them. It -really- makes them look good and boosts their culture. They must be walking a little taller today and make them feel good about themselves.” There was probably more, but I walked away. Why I continue to work in WASPville, USA is beyond me.

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