I always figured that if I were to ever walk into a Krispy Kreme simply because I was craving doughnuts, then that would be a problem.
Not to judge people who enjoy an occasional meal of a fried dough topped with icing, but there is really no time in my life when I am ever craving a doughnut. To me, doughnuts are just something that you look at. When I am at a Dunkin’ Donuts purchasing my morning coffee, I always stare at the doughnuts.
While I’m waiting for my barista to prepare my iced coffee, my eyes gloss over the dozens of colorful round treats as they lie in their trays. But never before have they appealed to me enough to want to purchase them. With their assorted sprinkles and bright colors, they are very aesthetically pleasing to the eye. But doughnuts are like fine art — you observe them, take them in, and then you walk away and don’t ever think about it again.
It’s not even that I am depriving myself. I just flat-out don’t want them. They offer absolutely no nutritious value, and there’s really no appropriate time of the day where a doughnut qualifies as an acceptable meal. Basically, they really only exist for fat people who just stopped caring a long time ago.
But at least Dunkin’ Donuts sells other stuff. Coffee, breakfast sandwiches, croissants, etc. Krispy Kreme is all doughnuts. You don’t walk into that store unless you are craving doughnuts, and no other reason.
So that is why if I ever found myself strolling into such a place, it’d mean that something is terribly wrong.
But what’s worse than walking into Krispy Kreme because you are craving a doughnut? How about walking into Krispy Kreme because you are craving a sloppy joe sandwich.
Somebody cue the “America, fuck yeah!” Team America theme, because in no other country in the world would you ever see such an abomination.
There are so many things that are wrong with this. Believe it or not, but I can actually think of some things that might taste okay in between two donuts. Possibly eggs. Maybe even turkey.
But ground beef? Why?
Never in my life would I have thought the day would come where a doughnut was actually the healthy option inside of a Krispy Kreme. First of all, who even eats sloppy joes anymore? Those sandwiches became nonexistent once we all left the third grade. So it’s not like Krispy Kreme is trying to take advantage of the current popularity boom surrounding sloppy joes.
Perhaps they just attempted to concoct one of the most unhealthiest, deplorable sandwich combinations that they could possibly imagine for no other reason than to gain publicity. If that’s why they did it, then it clearly worked. But I refuse to believe that a restaurant would add an actual edible item to its menu for such a reason — there are plenty other way of other ways to gain publicity. Or in this instance, notoriety.
I’d be surprised if there is just one person in the history of our planet’s existence who has ever once craved these two foods at the same time. From the day the first human evolved from monkeys to this present moment in time as I type this — I truly believe that no one has ever, for a single moment, even had the slightest inkling that they craved ground beef inside of a doughnut.
And that includes the drunkest people who have ever lived. And trust me, I know from experience — when you come home at 3 a.m., shitfaced and possessing a hunger like no other, you will eat anything. But even then, in my discombobulated state while lacking any sense of rational judgment, if someone suggested me to eat a doughnut with ground beef, I would waste no time informing them how that was the dumbest suggestion I have ever heard in my life.
And then I would pass out on my way up the stairs.
The Doritos Locos Taco is one of those things that everybody knew that they needed to try. It was obviously unhealthy — but it was brilliant. The Krispy Kreme sloppy joe sandwich inside of a doughnut should not have that same effect.
Again, in my mind, if I’m ever craving a doughnut, then that’s a problem. But if I am ever craving this, then I’ll know that my life is in complete and utter shambles, and that it would probably be in my best interest to put an end to it.
Man, Krispy Kreme should pay me to advertise.