Alas, the Lady Gaga hiatus is coming to an end

On November 15, 2011, “Marry the Night,” the fifth single from Lady Gaga’s second studio album, Born this Way, was released. Why is that significant? Because she has not released anything since.

For 623 days, the world has been relatively Lady Gaga-free.

But that will soon be over. In just 19 days (Aug. 19), the first single from Lady Gaga’s new album, Artpop, will hit the airwaves. The album will follow three months later on November 11, almost exactly two years after her last single.

Brace yourself. Because I think a lot of people have taken the absence of Lady Gaga for granted. Yes, there is a lot of shitty music on the radio, but for the better part of two splendid, marvelous years, we have not had to endure a Gaga song playing on every radio station every second of the day. There was a point in my life when I would check all of my radio presets, and a song of hers was playing on every single one of them.

That hasn’t been the case recently, though. I’ve been able to flip through my stations, not having to fear a Lady Gaga song blasting through my vehicle during my morning commute.

I’ve been able to peruse through the Internet, not having to see her picture on every website.

And I’ve watched award shows without seeing not only her, but whatever crazy, attention-seeking garb that she had on.

To be perfectly fair, it wasn’t really Lady Gaga’s fault. She is who she is. She’s flamboyant, artsy, opinionated, peacockish and, man, can she sing. And I’m not being sarcastic. Many singers out there rely on a schtick or a gimmick to gain popularity — Lady Gaga does not need to. She is an incredible singer that just happens to be weird as hell.

And as a result, the media — and pretty much the entire world — became infatuated with her. It also didn’t hurt that there was basically zero layoff between her first and second albums. The final single of the The Fame, called “Paparazzi,” was released on July 6, 2009. The first single off her next album debuted on February 11, 2011, however, in between that time, she released three singles from an extended play, including arguably her biggest hit to date, “Bad Romance.” So again, there was practically no time in between.

For the better part of three years, Lady Gaga was everywhere. Everywhere. It was her world, and we were just living in it.

Yet, as swiftly as she exploded onto the scene, it felt like she disappeared just as quickly. It’s almost as if the entire world took a collective deep breath and said, “Okay, that’s enough for now.” Although, with the departure of Lady Gaga came the emergence of One Direction. So one can certainly argue if the music industry has been better off.

For seemingly two years, we haven’t heard a peep from Lady Gaga. And again, it’s not that I hated her, I just couldn’t take anymore of the hoopla that surrounded her every freaking day. It was too much. So I was glad to see it tail off.

But that’s all going to change. The first single off the new album, “Applause,” will be here in two and-a-half short weeks, and may even dethrone Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” from its eight-week reign atop the Billboard charts. My prediction is that it will. She will make her live comeback six days later on Aug. 25 at the MTV Video Music Awards at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn, and you can damn well bet she will the top trending topic worldwide on Twitter that night.

And never one to do things the traditional way, she will also apparently be releasing a smartphone app simultaneously with her album, which, according to her, will “alter the human experience with social media.”

Oh boy.

Again, people will interpret her comeback in many different ways. Her fans will rejoice. Her detractors will reprehend. Some may even be indifferent.

All I am trying to do is warn you all that a firestorm is on its way. Because when Lady Gaga cometh, she does not do it quietly.

She was just born that way.

Guys, we have a cool pope

It’s been a slow news day today, so let’s talk about religion. Pope Francis, four months into his new gig, made headlines yesterday.

Normally when a prominent Catholic figure is in the news, it’s for pretty bad reasons. Not only because of the sexual abuse scandals that seem to pop up all too often, but elderly priests and pontiffs are often viewed upon as conservative, stubborn and simple-minded. They take the Bible too seriously, and their views are more in-line with traditional thinking of yesteryear.

But Francis made the newsstands for a more liberal and refreshing reason — his support for gays.

Aboard an airplane on his way back from Brazil, the 77-year-old expressed a very compassionate viewpoint. Here’s his full quote:

“If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge? You can’t marginalize these people.”

Wait a minute, so … what the Pope is saying is that people should not be judged solely by their sexual orientation, but by how they behave as people? That’s outrageous! That’s heinous! That’s — oh wait. That’s exactly how it should be.

The fact that this quotation is being so celebrated is an indictment on the Catholic Church, because what he said should be extremely obvious to everybody.

Most people aren’t too interested in the pope, mainly because he’s old and wrinkly, and out of touch with today’s youth. And of course, most people don’t care because not everybody is Roman Catholic. Well, it’s finally nice to see that there is a leader out there who just seems like a normal dude.

And you know he’s being genuine because there’s nobody that he has to pacify. Unlike an elected official, he doesn’t need to say the right thing to appeal to potential voters. A pope serves a life term. He answers to no one but the almighty itself. He could have responded to that question by urinating on the reporter’s face, and there would be nothing that anybody in the world could do about it.

People laud presidents — like Barack Obama — when they come across as “normal people.” A common phrase is that they are someone who you’d like to have a beer with. Well, when is the last time somebody said they would like to have a beer with the pope? Well, with a quick statement on an airplane, Pope Francis just bumped himself up a few notches on people’s beermate list. On my list, he’s now somewhere between Ringo Starr and Celine Dion.

So again, it’s refreshing to see the pope in the news for a positive reason. And a reason that will actually catch the attention of young people, at that.

Of course he spoke the quote in Italian, and not English, so he may have said something completely and totally different and it could have gotten lost in translation. For all we knew he was making a comment about hot dogs.

But what should also be noted is how good of a summer it has been for gay people. First you had Neil Patrick Harris killing it as Tony’s host in early June for the third straight year, then there was the U.S. Supreme Court ruling on June 26 that same-sex couples are entitled to federal benefits, and now this.

Will this matter in the grand scheme of things? Probably not. Will people be rocking “I ❤ the Pope” tee shirts while donning a camuaro? Highly doubtful.

But it’s still hopeful to know that we have people in high power in the world who get it.

Like me.

Eyelashes on cars: Stop. Stop this right now.

There are plenty of people who choose to be stylish when it comes to their automobiles. Between tinted windows, customized spoilers and rims, bumper stickers and corny license plate inscriptions, there are plenty of options out there for people to soup up their ride, or their “whip,” as some like to call it.

And if you pay thousands of dollars for your car, then why not spend a little more to give it a little more of an identity? There are certainly people who go overboard, or are too political or religious with their bumper stickers, but, hey, it’s their property, so who am I to complain?

If the Fast and the Furious franchise taught us anything, it’s that chicks dig guys with slick-looking cars. Well that, and the life lesson that as long as you can drive a car faster than 100 miles per hour, you are immune from all legal prosecution.

I personally am not someone who is ever going to decorate his vehicle. I’m more of a refined, let-the-car-speak-for-itself kind of guy. However, if people want to jazz up their own, then so be it. I won’t judge.

Until now.

An extremely disturbing trend has sprouted among drivers that simply cannot be ignored. In fact, even if it was not a trend, it would still be incomprehensible. Just having one person on the road committing this act is one too many.

And what is this act? Eyelashes on cars.

I’m sure you’ve all noticed it at least one time. I saw it maybe a few months ago for the first time, and I honestly just tried to pretend it didn’t exist. It was sitting in a parking lot, and I glanced at it, and I just tried to pretend like it never happened. Because I didn’t want to believe that it could be true.

But then I saw it again. And again. And again. And this nightmare string of terror culminated the other day when a Facebook friend of mine actually bragged publicly about the addition of eyelashes to her car. She purchased these hideous add-ons, attached them, snapped a picture, and then posted it on Facebook, under the pretense that she just accomplished something extraordinary.

That was the breaking point. I knew, right then and there, that I had to say something to stop this chaos. I understand that when you are staring at a car head on, the headlights can be construed as a pair of eyes, and that adding eye lashes accentuates that appearance.

But it’s just a complete and total abomination. Whenever I see this, I find myself sympathizing with the car. That’s right, this action is so deplorable that it actually makes me feel emotion for an inanimate object. But I can’t help it. I feel sorry for the car for having such an idiotic owner.

Even the stupid talking cars in the Pixar movie Cars didn’t have eyelashes! Think about that. Computer animators were given a task to enter a studio and do their best to humanize a car so that it shared similar traits as humans. They gave them personalities, faces and the ability to speak. And yet, they still chose not to give them eyelashes, because they knew how stupid it would look.

There’s a scene at the very end of the film The Bridge on the River Kwai when Alec Guinness hazily walks around shouting one word — “Madness,” because he is in such disbelief as to what he is seeing happening around him. That’s exactly how I feel whenever I see these car eyelashes.

It’s almost as bad as people who put sweaters on dogs. It’s unnatural, and you’re not only embarrassing yourself, but the entire human race. I actually feel like this is a pitfall to our entire existence. If aliens were discreetly sent to Earth to examine us, and make judgments on how we live, and they happened to stumble upon a car with eyelashes on it, how would you expect them to react? They would take the first red-eye UFO back to their planet, and deem us worthless to their superiors.

And where in seven hells does one even purchase these? I seriously can’t even think of the type of store to begin looking at if I ever wanted to purchase them. Certainly an auto shop would not endorse this?

In all seriousness, to those who impulsively purchased these carlashes, just remove them now. Like, right this second. And I’ll forgive you. We’ll forget this whole thing ever happened.

Because if this behavior doesn’t end soon, I’m going to lash out at somebody.

Just don’t hold a camera anywhere near you when you’re naked

What a week it has been. On Wednesday, the news “broke” that New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner was once again involved in a sexting scandal. 

The story goes that after he resigned from Congress, he was at it once again, posting nude photographs of his schlong on a website called TheDirty.com. The news is only coming out now, however, and will pretty much ruin whatever minuscule chance he had at winning the election. To add more mockery to whole thing, his username on the website was “Carlos Danger.”

All I have to say about it is this should not really change anybody’s opinion of the man too much. If you thought his actions were despicable the first time, then obviously your thoughts were only confirmed. But if you never really thought it was a big deal, then this shouldn’t faze you too much considering it happened over a year ago.

If this happened recently, then yes, the man’s an idiot. But by all accounts this latest “setback” happened well before he declared his mayoral candidacy. Either way, he’s not going to win, so it doesn’t even really matter. What does matter is that his wife is officially a fool, and it confirms my belief that political marriages are much different than normal marriages.

In traditional contexts, people marry out of love. Out of requited adoration for each other. In politics, people marry for power, and to benefit their own positions in the political game. His wife knows that without Weiner, she’s really nothing. I’m sure she’d be welcomed with open arms onto the panel of The View, or to star in her own Bravo reality series, but Huma Abedin clearly has greater political aspirations.

Hillary Clinton stuck with her unfaithful husband, and she was one black man away from becoming president. So that’s the lesson to learn here ladies, stick with your man even if he treats you wrong, and as long as there’s no black dude standing in your way, aim for the sky!

Also, if there really is a guy in the world with the actual name of Carlos Danger, his life will never be the same. Although it probably wasn’t too normal to begin with, either.

Manti Te’o really needs to teach a course about how to have an online relationship and not let it ruin your career. Because how he escaped out of that and ended up looking like the innocent one, I will never know. He could even teach the course online, and we’d never even know if the people who signed up for the class are real or not. Paradox.

The real, genuine lesson is just to not send promiscuous images of yourself over the Internet. It can only be a bad thing. Even if it’s to a girlfriend or boyfriend. People think they can send such images to their significant other, as if they will stay together forever. Let me tell you that one day, the two of you will fight, possibly break up, and out of anger, those images will be used as leverage.

In fact, if you plan to remove your clothing, then just remove all cell phones, cameras, iPads and iTouches from your room completely. Don’t even take the risk. Is that a little overly cautious? Maybe. But it’s the best way to ensure that your junk will not one day be plastered all over Reddit.

Snapchat isn’t even safe anymore, since all the tech-savvy folks realized that you could take a screenshot before the image fades away. Trust me when I say that there is not one single, beneficial or safe method on earth in which you can take a naked photo of yourself and expect no consequences.

I hate to say it but taking a selfie is much more safer than sexting. You’ll never see a politician fall from grace over a selfie scandal. Or will we? I mean, I wouldn’t vote for him, but at least he wouldn’t be shunned from politics altogether.

And if you think about it, sexting is really just taking a naked selfie.

And when you find yourself in life taking a naked selfie, there’s really no coming back from that.

Aight, someone tell me what is it with girls and pretend mustaches

We can all exhale. The Royal Baby has been named. Although I am going to miss calling him the Royal Baby.

Prince George Alexander Louis.

For regular Weinblog readers, this should come as no surprise, as just two days ago, I said that George was the predicted name for the child had he been born a boy. The predicted female name was Alexandra, and, look at that, the baby’s middle name is Alexander.

That’s just what I do here. I put you all immediately in the know, providing you with the most current information about relevant social topics. And make fart jokes.

Hopefully we won’t have to hear about the baby again until he grows up and gets his first DWI. So let’s put that story to rest.

Today I want to talk about something that has been bothering me on a subconscious level for quite some time, and only recently did I realize how much of a problem it is becoming. In the 23-and-a-half hours I spend on Facebook each day, I can’t help but notice a trend among girls.

And that trend involves them posing with a pretend mustache in between their lips and nose. You know, where mustaches typically are. The interesting part is that I have seen several different varieties of this behavior.

The common one is where the girl drapes her hair around her face and uses it as the “mustache.” Another variation is the girl having a mustache drawn onto her index finger, and pointing it under her nose. And then there are glass mugs that have a mustache on them, so it occupies the “mustache part” of the face when you drink it, making for a potential photo.

I see these all of the time. Girls apparently think it’s funny. But I don’t get it.

Obviously the humor lies in the fact that girls do not possess mustaches. Of course, all girls do have slight facial hair, and the particularly ugly ones make no effort to hide it, but no girl outside of Brittney Griner is really capable of growing a full-blown mustache.

And on the contrary, guys can. So If I were to guess, I’d surmise that it gives girls some type of solidarity and empowerment to pretend to have something that is a solely a man’s attribute. This theory could be validated by the fact that many girls who do the “pretend mustache” shot do it in groups. I’ve seen as many as eight girls in one photo pretending they have mustaches. It’s all about feminism and sisterhood.

But again, I just don’t understand it. It’s the least physically appealing portrayal a girl can give herself. And isn’t that the whole point of Facebook? To make yourself look good? So what the hell are you doing pretending to make yourself look like a dude?

Do other girls see these pictures and go, “Yeah, you go girl! You’re one-upping the man!” If girls are trying to hard to gain a psychological advantage over men, then why don’t they go around taking pictures of themselves pretending to have a penis? That’s another male part that we have that they don’t. So riddle me that.

I just really hope it stops soon. These pictures not appealing. They’re not funny. And it has no deflating effect towards the male psyche. They accomplish nothing. And it amazes me that some girls actually make the effort to draw a mustache on their finger just so they could do this. It’s a substantial amount of work just for one shitty photo.

Do girls think it is actually luxurious to have a mustache? They require regular grooming, they itch, and they can’t be too enjoyable for females when they kiss a dude who has one. So what gives?

Time and time again I try to delve into the female mind to try to psychoanalyze their behavior, only to end up more confused than when I started. If only I had an opportunity to read women’s minds a la Mel Gibson in “What Women Want,” but, as far as I know, Mel is the only one in recorded history to have such an experience. And look where that got him.

Oh well. For now, it’ll have to remain a mystery.

Before I go — I’m a little late on this, but John Stamos recently appeared on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon to perform a medley as “Jesse and the Rippers,” his old band from the show Full House. And it was as outstanding as you’d think it would be.

See, John Stamos gets it. he had no mustache, real or fake.

Note to the world: Seeing people cuddling online is equally as painful as it is in real life

There’s no way to prepare for it. You’re walking casually along the sidewalk, minding your own business, when you see it. A guy and a girl, hand-in-hand, arm-in-arm, face-in-face. They are smiling effervescently, serenely oblivious to everything that is around them. They kiss, they cuddle, they laugh, they caress.

It’s vomit-inducing.

No, this has nothing to do with with bitter people who hate seeing others happy. Unless you’re watching pornography on your computer, there’s no context in which seeing people snogging is enjoyable. Regardless of what you see in romantic comedies, the actual art of a guy and a girl kissing is actually pretty disgusting. The lack of space between the two faces, the exchange of saliva, the suction-like sound of lip-on-lip and the abhorrent moans that accompany it.

It’s like physically watching a caterpillar turn into a butterfly. The actual thought of it happening — similar to a kiss — is beautiful. It’s natural and liberating. But when you actually see it, it makes you sick to your stomach.

And notice how I said “guy and a girl” kissing. If it’s girl-on-girl, then you have my full and unabated attention at anytime, anyplace.

Why do you think that in movies, when the guy and girl protagonists kiss, it’s only shown for like two or three seconds? The characters either break it up themselves after that time, or the camera will either cut to the next scene, or to show the reaction of two secondary characters. It’s because no one likes to see other people kiss for more than a couple of seconds. Even if it’s Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Before they became a couple.

Think wedding kisses. There is a certain etiquette of how that embrace is supposed to go down, and it’s for the same reason. When I am at a wedding, and I see the happy couple kiss for the first time as a husband and wife, here is my reaction: “Aww, that’s so beautiful, I’m so happy for them… now break it the shit up so I can go to the open bar.”

And that is during a context where it’s expected and, as an outsider, you are forewarned. So seeing it on a street, or in a public building, is nothing short of torturous. It doesn’t even have to be kissing, either — it can be hugging, holding hands, necking, sitting on one’s lap, etc. There’s a time and a place for these things.

It’s so unwelcome that there is actually an abbreviation to describe such acts — PDA. Public displays of affection. When spoken aloud, it almost carries the air as if it’s an actual crime. And hey, peeing in public is a crime, so why can’t it be?

Unfortunately, we live in an era where PDAs exist in other forums besides an actual public setting.

The Internet.

Facebook — by virtue of the entire world being on it, is now public. While I sit in my bedroom, in my plain white tee and Spongebob Squarepants pajama pants while scrolling through Facebook, I am no longer in a private setting. I am observing people’s lives as they happen.

So when I see somebody posting pictures with their significant other, cuddling and nestling against each other’s body, it is equally as sickening as if I am seeing it in real life. In fact, it might even be worse. At least in public, I can turn away, or avert my eyesight. But on Facebook, it’s etched there permanently. It is inscribed on my computer screen, and will stay there throughout the aethers of time.

And I understand that there’s a grace period for certain contexts — newly-formed couples, newly-engaged couples, couples who are going on a trip together for the first time. For them, it’s perfectly acceptable to feel the need to cling to one another, and document it in time. But you only get like two or three pictures. After that, it’s no longer okay.

Again, it has nothing to do with the physical appearance of the subjects. Nor does it matter what specific life-state one must be in to perceive this behavior in such a way. Simply put, it’s just a natural instinctive reaction to not want to see a man and a female in a deep and cozy embrace.

So gals and gents, next time you’re in public, and feeling frisky enough to sneak in a quick kiss or two amid a crowd of people, stop and think. Think about that one guy, who unluckily happens to be in your line of vision, and will have a clear and unimpeded view of your makeout-fest. Think about him.

Actually, that sounds really creepy.

Nothing else in the world matters on days when royal babies are born

Today, at precisely 4:42 p.m. London time, the baby of Prince William, the Duke of Cambridge, and Princess Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, was born. He weights 8 lbs, 6 oz., and both he and the Royal Highness are in good health.

And for those scoring at home, 4:42 p.m. equals, uh, it’s… about, I-don’t-fucking-know-o’clock in the United States. Let’s just say it was sometime this afternoon.

But whatever time that was, the world stood still. Because if you think that the general public is fascinated by celebrities, well, that is nothing compared to their obsession with royalty. Give anybody a formal title, like Queen, King, Prince, Duchess, and they already become the most interesting person in the world. Even more than the guy in the Dos Equis commercials.

Throw in the fact that William and Kate are both attractive individuals, and well, I’m amazed there wasn’t a cameraman in the delivery room streaming the birth live to the world.

We all remember how highly and nauseatingly publicized the Royal Wedding was two years ago — and cue the “Holy shit that was already two years ago?!” thought bubble — and now we all get to celebrate another chapter in the two 31-year-old’s lives.

For all intents and purposes, the time period of A.D. no longer exists. We had Before Christ, After Death, and now this period onward may as well be called PRB — Post Royal Baby.

A name has yet to be revealed, so there is still some surprises to come. Bookmakers have actually spent valuable time out of their lives to calculate and pin odds on what the name might be. The top bets are Alexandra for a girl, and George for a boy, for those who were wondering.

I think it’s safe to speculate that we will not be seeing any Kanye/Kim fiasco-of-a-name like North. The one thing you can say about royalty is that they still pay their respect towards civility of a bygone era. Of course, I could always be wrong and they could end up naming their baby Speed Racer, or something.

But the news is so big that there are very few things that can trump it. A famous baseball player and former MVP in Ryan Braun was suspended for using performance enhancing drugs, and no one cared. George Zimmerman, in the aftermath of his polarizing acquittal, apparently saved the life of an entire family that was stuck in an overturned vehicle, and no one cared.

Heck, an earthquake could have probably happened in a major country today, and nobody still would have cared.

How do I know this? BECAUSE AN EARTHQUAKE HAPPENED IN A MAJOR COUNTRY TODAY, AND NOBODY CARED.

At least 75 are dead and 400 injured in a 5.98-magnitude earthquake that hit China early this morning. An hour later, another 5.6-magnitude earthquake erupted in the same area. For those (like me) who have no idea what earthquake measurements mean, the Richter scale says that a quake between 5 and 6 is “moderate.” And that may not sound too bad, but I’m guessing that a moderate earthquake is a lot worse than having no earthquake at all.

Any excuse to show Kate Middleton is a good one.

For clarity sake, someone who is having a “moderately bad day” is probably exaggerating and their day was actually fine.

Conversely, a “moderate earthquake” is still shitty.

And a moderate politician is even shittier. Make up your god damn mind!

Anyway, the point is, how many people actually knew about this earthquake? To be perfectly honest, I only remembered it because I saw it on my Twitter feed first thing this morning, and hadn’t thought of it again until now. The amount of seconds I have spent today thinking about the Royal Baby as opposed to this earthquake is about 50:1.

I don’t even mean that as a condemnation on our population. It’s just the way it is. Babies and royalty appeal more to us than death and destruction, especially when it’s more than 5,000 miles away.

I’ve heard people discuss how lucky the baby of Kanye and Kim is, considering she’ll never have to earn a cent in her life and will be rich and famous. Well, I’m much more envious of this unnamed Royal Baby. He gets to grow up around an environment full of dignity and class, and, by virtue of being born, is third in the line of succession to the throne.

I’d much prefer that life. I mean, you know you’re big time when you already have a Wikipedia page before your name has actually been publicly revealed.

I suppose it means it’s up to me to create an offspring who would be next in the line of succession to this blog. That’s equally as prestigious as becoming the monarch of the United Kingdom, right?

Right?