Nothing else in the world matters on days when royal babies are born

Today, at precisely 4:42 p.m. London time, the baby of Prince William, the Duke of Cambridge, and Princess Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, was born. He weights 8 lbs, 6 oz., and both he and the Royal Highness are in good health.

And for those scoring at home, 4:42 p.m. equals, uh, it’s… about, I-don’t-fucking-know-o’clock in the United States. Let’s just say it was sometime this afternoon.

But whatever time that was, the world stood still. Because if you think that the general public is fascinated by celebrities, well, that is nothing compared to their obsession with royalty. Give anybody a formal title, like Queen, King, Prince, Duchess, and they already become the most interesting person in the world. Even more than the guy in the Dos Equis commercials.

Throw in the fact that William and Kate are both attractive individuals, and well, I’m amazed there wasn’t a cameraman in the delivery room streaming the birth live to the world.

We all remember how highly and nauseatingly publicized the Royal Wedding was two years ago — and cue the “Holy shit that was already two years ago?!” thought bubble — and now we all get to celebrate another chapter in the two 31-year-old’s lives.

For all intents and purposes, the time period of A.D. no longer exists. We had Before Christ, After Death, and now this period onward may as well be called PRB — Post Royal Baby.

A name has yet to be revealed, so there is still some surprises to come. Bookmakers have actually spent valuable time out of their lives to calculate and pin odds on what the name might be. The top bets are Alexandra for a girl, and George for a boy, for those who were wondering.

I think it’s safe to speculate that we will not be seeing any Kanye/Kim fiasco-of-a-name like North. The one thing you can say about royalty is that they still pay their respect towards civility of a bygone era. Of course, I could always be wrong and they could end up naming their baby Speed Racer, or something.

But the news is so big that there are very few things that can trump it. A famous baseball player and former MVP in Ryan Braun was suspended for using performance enhancing drugs, and no one cared. George Zimmerman, in the aftermath of his polarizing acquittal, apparently saved the life of an entire family that was stuck in an overturned vehicle, and no one cared.

Heck, an earthquake could have probably happened in a major country today, and nobody still would have cared.

How do I know this? BECAUSE AN EARTHQUAKE HAPPENED IN A MAJOR COUNTRY TODAY, AND NOBODY CARED.

At least 75 are dead and 400 injured in a 5.98-magnitude earthquake that hit China early this morning. An hour later, another 5.6-magnitude earthquake erupted in the same area. For those (like me) who have no idea what earthquake measurements mean, the Richter scale says that a quake between 5 and 6 is “moderate.” And that may not sound too bad, but I’m guessing that a moderate earthquake is a lot worse than having no earthquake at all.

Any excuse to show Kate Middleton is a good one.

For clarity sake, someone who is having a “moderately bad day” is probably exaggerating and their day was actually fine.

Conversely, a “moderate earthquake” is still shitty.

And a moderate politician is even shittier. Make up your god damn mind!

Anyway, the point is, how many people actually knew about this earthquake? To be perfectly honest, I only remembered it because I saw it on my Twitter feed first thing this morning, and hadn’t thought of it again until now. The amount of seconds I have spent today thinking about the Royal Baby as opposed to this earthquake is about 50:1.

I don’t even mean that as a condemnation on our population. It’s just the way it is. Babies and royalty appeal more to us than death and destruction, especially when it’s more than 5,000 miles away.

I’ve heard people discuss how lucky the baby of Kanye and Kim is, considering she’ll never have to earn a cent in her life and will be rich and famous. Well, I’m much more envious of this unnamed Royal Baby. He gets to grow up around an environment full of dignity and class, and, by virtue of being born, is third in the line of succession to the throne.

I’d much prefer that life. I mean, you know you’re big time when you already have a Wikipedia page before your name has actually been publicly revealed.

I suppose it means it’s up to me to create an offspring who would be next in the line of succession to this blog. That’s equally as prestigious as becoming the monarch of the United Kingdom, right?

Right?

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