Note to the world: Seeing people cuddling online is equally as painful as it is in real life

There’s no way to prepare for it. You’re walking casually along the sidewalk, minding your own business, when you see it. A guy and a girl, hand-in-hand, arm-in-arm, face-in-face. They are smiling effervescently, serenely oblivious to everything that is around them. They kiss, they cuddle, they laugh, they caress.

It’s vomit-inducing.

No, this has nothing to do with with bitter people who hate seeing others happy. Unless you’re watching pornography on your computer, there’s no context in which seeing people snogging is enjoyable. Regardless of what you see in romantic comedies, the actual art of a guy and a girl kissing is actually pretty disgusting. The lack of space between the two faces, the exchange of saliva, the suction-like sound of lip-on-lip and the abhorrent moans that accompany it.

It’s like physically watching a caterpillar turn into a butterfly. The actual thought of it happening — similar to a kiss — is beautiful. It’s natural and liberating. But when you actually see it, it makes you sick to your stomach.

And notice how I said “guy and a girl” kissing. If it’s girl-on-girl, then you have my full and unabated attention at anytime, anyplace.

Why do you think that in movies, when the guy and girl protagonists kiss, it’s only shown for like two or three seconds? The characters either break it up themselves after that time, or the camera will either cut to the next scene, or to show the reaction of two secondary characters. It’s because no one likes to see other people kiss for more than a couple of seconds. Even if it’s Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Before they became a couple.

Think wedding kisses. There is a certain etiquette of how that embrace is supposed to go down, and it’s for the same reason. When I am at a wedding, and I see the happy couple kiss for the first time as a husband and wife, here is my reaction: “Aww, that’s so beautiful, I’m so happy for them… now break it the shit up so I can go to the open bar.”

And that is during a context where it’s expected and, as an outsider, you are forewarned. So seeing it on a street, or in a public building, is nothing short of torturous. It doesn’t even have to be kissing, either — it can be hugging, holding hands, necking, sitting on one’s lap, etc. There’s a time and a place for these things.

It’s so unwelcome that there is actually an abbreviation to describe such acts — PDA. Public displays of affection. When spoken aloud, it almost carries the air as if it’s an actual crime. And hey, peeing in public is a crime, so why can’t it be?

Unfortunately, we live in an era where PDAs exist in other forums besides an actual public setting.

The Internet.

Facebook — by virtue of the entire world being on it, is now public. While I sit in my bedroom, in my plain white tee and Spongebob Squarepants pajama pants while scrolling through Facebook, I am no longer in a private setting. I am observing people’s lives as they happen.

So when I see somebody posting pictures with their significant other, cuddling and nestling against each other’s body, it is equally as sickening as if I am seeing it in real life. In fact, it might even be worse. At least in public, I can turn away, or avert my eyesight. But on Facebook, it’s etched there permanently. It is inscribed on my computer screen, and will stay there throughout the aethers of time.

And I understand that there’s a grace period for certain contexts — newly-formed couples, newly-engaged couples, couples who are going on a trip together for the first time. For them, it’s perfectly acceptable to feel the need to cling to one another, and document it in time. But you only get like two or three pictures. After that, it’s no longer okay.

Again, it has nothing to do with the physical appearance of the subjects. Nor does it matter what specific life-state one must be in to perceive this behavior in such a way. Simply put, it’s just a natural instinctive reaction to not want to see a man and a female in a deep and cozy embrace.

So gals and gents, next time you’re in public, and feeling frisky enough to sneak in a quick kiss or two amid a crowd of people, stop and think. Think about that one guy, who unluckily happens to be in your line of vision, and will have a clear and unimpeded view of your makeout-fest. Think about him.

Actually, that sounds really creepy.

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