Aight, someone tell me what is it with girls and pretend mustaches

We can all exhale. The Royal Baby has been named. Although I am going to miss calling him the Royal Baby.

Prince George Alexander Louis.

For regular Weinblog readers, this should come as no surprise, as just two days ago, I said that George was the predicted name for the child had he been born a boy. The predicted female name was Alexandra, and, look at that, the baby’s middle name is Alexander.

That’s just what I do here. I put you all immediately in the know, providing you with the most current information about relevant social topics. And make fart jokes.

Hopefully we won’t have to hear about the baby again until he grows up and gets his first DWI. So let’s put that story to rest.

Today I want to talk about something that has been bothering me on a subconscious level for quite some time, and only recently did I realize how much of a problem it is becoming. In the 23-and-a-half hours I spend on Facebook each day, I can’t help but notice a trend among girls.

And that trend involves them posing with a pretend mustache in between their lips and nose. You know, where mustaches typically are. The interesting part is that I have seen several different varieties of this behavior.

The common one is where the girl drapes her hair around her face and uses it as the “mustache.” Another variation is the girl having a mustache drawn onto her index finger, and pointing it under her nose. And then there are glass mugs that have a mustache on them, so it occupies the “mustache part” of the face when you drink it, making for a potential photo.

I see these all of the time. Girls apparently think it’s funny. But I don’t get it.

Obviously the humor lies in the fact that girls do not possess mustaches. Of course, all girls do have slight facial hair, and the particularly ugly ones make no effort to hide it, but no girl outside of Brittney Griner is really capable of growing a full-blown mustache.

And on the contrary, guys can. So If I were to guess, I’d surmise that it gives girls some type of solidarity and empowerment to pretend to have something that is a solely a man’s attribute. This theory could be validated by the fact that many girls who do the “pretend mustache” shot do it in groups. I’ve seen as many as eight girls in one photo pretending they have mustaches. It’s all about feminism and sisterhood.

But again, I just don’t understand it. It’s the least physically appealing portrayal a girl can give herself. And isn’t that the whole point of Facebook? To make yourself look good? So what the hell are you doing pretending to make yourself look like a dude?

Do other girls see these pictures and go, “Yeah, you go girl! You’re one-upping the man!” If girls are trying to hard to gain a psychological advantage over men, then why don’t they go around taking pictures of themselves pretending to have a penis? That’s another male part that we have that they don’t. So riddle me that.

I just really hope it stops soon. These pictures not appealing. They’re not funny. And it has no deflating effect towards the male psyche. They accomplish nothing. And it amazes me that some girls actually make the effort to draw a mustache on their finger just so they could do this. It’s a substantial amount of work just for one shitty photo.

Do girls think it is actually luxurious to have a mustache? They require regular grooming, they itch, and they can’t be too enjoyable for females when they kiss a dude who has one. So what gives?

Time and time again I try to delve into the female mind to try to psychoanalyze their behavior, only to end up more confused than when I started. If only I had an opportunity to read women’s minds a la Mel Gibson in “What Women Want,” but, as far as I know, Mel is the only one in recorded history to have such an experience. And look where that got him.

Oh well. For now, it’ll have to remain a mystery.

Before I go — I’m a little late on this, but John Stamos recently appeared on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon to perform a medley as “Jesse and the Rippers,” his old band from the show Full House. And it was as outstanding as you’d think it would be.

See, John Stamos gets it. he had no mustache, real or fake.

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One thought on “Aight, someone tell me what is it with girls and pretend mustaches

  1. I completely agree, have had this same line of thought run through my head. One day, an excited lady roommate shared with me her new tattoo, it was a mustache on her finger which she demonstrated for me. I turned around and walked away rather than have the conversation to try and understand, or share my opinion. I was in shock. I really don’t get it, but for her, it was important enough (or just an impulse?) to get the “joke” permanently attached.

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