Eyelashes on cars: Stop. Stop this right now.

There are plenty of people who choose to be stylish when it comes to their automobiles. Between tinted windows, customized spoilers and rims, bumper stickers and corny license plate inscriptions, there are plenty of options out there for people to soup up their ride, or their “whip,” as some like to call it.

And if you pay thousands of dollars for your car, then why not spend a little more to give it a little more of an identity? There are certainly people who go overboard, or are too political or religious with their bumper stickers, but, hey, it’s their property, so who am I to complain?

If the Fast and the Furious franchise taught us anything, it’s that chicks dig guys with slick-looking cars. Well that, and the life lesson that as long as you can drive a car faster than 100 miles per hour, you are immune from all legal prosecution.

I personally am not someone who is ever going to decorate his vehicle. I’m more of a refined, let-the-car-speak-for-itself kind of guy. However, if people want to jazz up their own, then so be it. I won’t judge.

Until now.

An extremely disturbing trend has sprouted among drivers that simply cannot be ignored. In fact, even if it was not a trend, it would still be incomprehensible. Just having one person on the road committing this act is one too many.

And what is this act? Eyelashes on cars.

I’m sure you’ve all noticed it at least one time. I saw it maybe a few months ago for the first time, and I honestly just tried to pretend it didn’t exist. It was sitting in a parking lot, and I glanced at it, and I just tried to pretend like it never happened. Because I didn’t want to believe that it could be true.

But then I saw it again. And again. And again. And this nightmare string of terror culminated the other day when a Facebook friend of mine actually bragged publicly about the addition of eyelashes to her car. She purchased these hideous add-ons, attached them, snapped a picture, and then posted it on Facebook, under the pretense that she just accomplished something extraordinary.

That was the breaking point. I knew, right then and there, that I had to say something to stop this chaos. I understand that when you are staring at a car head on, the headlights can be construed as a pair of eyes, and that adding eye lashes accentuates that appearance.

But it’s just a complete and total abomination. Whenever I see this, I find myself sympathizing with the car. That’s right, this action is so deplorable that it actually makes me feel emotion for an inanimate object. But I can’t help it. I feel sorry for the car for having such an idiotic owner.

Even the stupid talking cars in the Pixar movie Cars didn’t have eyelashes! Think about that. Computer animators were given a task to enter a studio and do their best to humanize a car so that it shared similar traits as humans. They gave them personalities, faces and the ability to speak. And yet, they still chose not to give them eyelashes, because they knew how stupid it would look.

There’s a scene at the very end of the film The Bridge on the River Kwai when Alec Guinness hazily walks around shouting one word — “Madness,” because he is in such disbelief as to what he is seeing happening around him. That’s exactly how I feel whenever I see these car eyelashes.

It’s almost as bad as people who put sweaters on dogs. It’s unnatural, and you’re not only embarrassing yourself, but the entire human race. I actually feel like this is a pitfall to our entire existence. If aliens were discreetly sent to Earth to examine us, and make judgments on how we live, and they happened to stumble upon a car with eyelashes on it, how would you expect them to react? They would take the first red-eye UFO back to their planet, and deem us worthless to their superiors.

And where in seven hells does one even purchase these? I seriously can’t even think of the type of store to begin looking at if I ever wanted to purchase them. Certainly an auto shop would not endorse this?

In all seriousness, to those who impulsively purchased these carlashes, just remove them now. Like, right this second. And I’ll forgive you. We’ll forget this whole thing ever happened.

Because if this behavior doesn’t end soon, I’m going to lash out at somebody.

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