Listening to somebody talk about their fantasy football team is basically a form of torture

I wrapped yesterday’s post by saying how the start of football season is one of the many positives that come with the start of September. Well, what I failed to mention is the negatives that come with the start of football. There aren’t many, but the ones that are bad, are really bad.

Fantasy football and NFL football basically go hand-in-hand. People who enjoy football are almost certainly going to participate in fantasy football leagues with their friends. It’s fun, competitive, and you can win money. So why not?

But everyone conducts their drafts at about the same exact time. With football, you want to wait as close to the start of the regular season as possible, because preseason injuries are inevitable. It’s a violent sport and players are going to get hurt. So the last thing you want is to burn your second round pick on a guy who tears his ACL before the season even starts.

But the timing of all of these drafts means one thing — everybody is doing them at the same time, and everybody is going to talk about it at the same time.

Let’s take a step back first and remind ourselves of one important truth — fantasy football is not real. You are drafting players that are real, gambling money that is real, but the actual amalgam of various players on your team is not. It’s a fake team that exists nowhere else but on your laptop.

So when being lectured by somebody about the team that they assembled, you are essentially spending minutes of your life being informed of something fictional. It’s like if somebody came up to you and started talking about unicorns.

I barely care about my own fantasy team. I do it annually out of habit. But I check the league maybe once a week to make sure I have the appropriate players in my starting lineup, and then that’s it. So given how little I care about my own team, well, it’s hard to even put into words how little I care about somebody else’s team.

Because just saying that I don’t care doesn’t do it justice. Whenever I do find myself in a situation where somebody is telling me about their fantasy football team, my brain starts thinking about all the other places I’d rather be instead. Somehow, during these times, I feel that if I try hard enough to not care, that the person in front of me will just disappear. It’s sort of like that rare moment in a dream when you actually realize you’re dreaming, and you just say, “Oh, this is a dream. I can stop pretending it’s real,” and then wait for everything around you to vanish. I try to trick my mind into having that same thing happen whenever someone is discussing their fantasy football team with me.

You know the torture scenes in the beginning of Zero Dark Thirty? Well, I’d rather be watching those scenes on a television while I’m actually being tortured in a prison camp than hearing about other people’s fantasy football teams.

The worst is when someone actually reads you their entire roster, and asks your opinion about it. It’s as if they think I have the ability to tell the future and know how their players are going to perform this season. And if I did have the miraculous ability to know the future, I wouldn’t even use it for my own financial benefit. Instead, I would utilize my divine powers to avoid any conversations about fantasy football.

I don’t want to sound mean. Or be a bad listener. But I think there would be something fundamentally wrong if I actually did care about your team. And if there is somebody out there who is genuinely enthralled and interested to talk to other people about their fantasy football teams, than God bless them. They’re a better man than me.

Yeah, I’m not winning any of my fantasy football leagues this year.

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