Fast food places need to stop one-upping each other, because everybody loses

A year and a half ago, Taco Bell introduced the Doritos Taco. Earlier this summer, Krispy Kreme began selling a sloppy joe sandwich inside of a donut.

Those two alone are enough to be bad. That’s enough for us to say, “OK, I see what you’re doing there. Now stop.”

But apparently it wasn’t enough. Not to be outdone, KFC invented a cheese donut.

You know how food sometimes just sounds good? Like, hearing somebody describe a hot fudge covered brownie or an egg and cheese sandwich makes my mouth water. This is not one of those times. Hearing the words “cheese donut” is as appetizing to me as hearing the words “Ross Perot.”

Okay, so this is only being sold in KFC restaurants located in Indonesia. In fact, KFC doesn’t even offer donuts in its American stores. But still, it is something that actual chefs are making somewhere in the world.

I think what we as a population fail to realize is that when people decide to make these treats, they are essentially handing out death sentences. Places like McDonalds, Burger King and Taco Bell are already responsible for so much heart failure in the world, and that’s just when they stick to the things that they are known for.

Trying to think outside of the box benefits nobody. It’s essentially coming up with ways to kill people. Remember the scene in Pulp Fiction, when Bruce Willis’ character is picking up weapon after weapon, deciding what the most creatively violent way would be to kill the guy who is torturing Ving Rhames?

Well, that is pretty much exactly what these fast food chains are doing. If it’s not a cheeseburger, it’s a chicken club. Or a burrito. Or a Frosty. But apparently those options weren’t good enough. And so we now have Doritos tacos and cheese donuts.

And I understand that Danish pastries are somewhat similar, since it’s essentially sweetened dough that is sometimes filled with cheese. But Danishes are elegant. They’ve been eaten all over the world for breakfast for centuries. And nobody goes to their local fast food drive-through and orders a Danish. It’s even named after people from another country.

Do you see the cheese donut? It’s a donut, basically sprinkled with melted cheese. It looks like it’s made the same way a pizza bagel is made. Except I like to at least pretend that pizza bagels aren’t bad for you.

I know people still have to make the voluntary choice to eat this food, but another part of me feels that these fast food industries have a moral obligation to stop what they’re doing. If Burger King wants to sell burgers, KFC wants to sell chicken, and Taco Bell wants to sell tacos, that’s fine. That’s what they should be doing.

But please stop it with the cheese donuts. What’s next? The cotton candy chicken breast? The cream cheese enchilada? The chicken nutella nuggets?

Holy shit, those all sound good.

You know how servers in certain industries are given certain names? Like Starbucks staff are called “baristas,” and Subway employees are known as “sandwich artists?” I feel like people at these generic fast food chains should be called something too. Like heart killers.

If you pulled up at a drive-through, and the voice in the intercom said, “Hi, my name is Dina, I’ll be your heart killer today. What can I get you?” Don’t you think that at least one out of 10 people might turn around and go somewhere else instead?

I shouldn’t talk, though. The other day, I was with a friend who suggested we stop at Wendy’s for food. I declined, and instead walked to the Subway next door. What do I order? A chicken and bacon ranch foot-long sandwich. I’m basically the asshole who eats something that is one notch healthier and then stands on a soapbox and declares himself fitter than everyone else.

I need a cheese donut.

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