People who go on cleanses rank among the worst humans in the world

There are tons of different methods that people experiment with to lose weight. Book after book has been written by dietitians providing their own insights and strategies on what they believe is the best way to live a healthy lifestyle.

If somebody is going to write a couple of hundred pages, backed with facts and calculations to prove their own method, then I’m not really one to argue. Let the people decide for themselves, I say.

However, there are some I can immediately point to and just say that it’s stupid without doing any additional research. And by “some,” I really mean one.

And that is one of a cleanse.

The point of a cleanse, or a “detox,” is to embark on a liquid diet to rid your body of hazardous toxins, such as preservatives, pesticides, food colorings, etc. People generally do some type of juice fast for a week or two, and claim that, by the end of it, they’ll be healthy, nimble and refreshed.

Essentially, they are starving themselves for two weeks, depriving themselves of mandatory nutrients and vitamins, and slowly killing their organs.

People who cleanse forget one simple fact: our body already has built-in detoxification methods. What the hell do you think our liver, kidneys and lungs do? They’re not just there for show. They protect us. And they tend to do a better job than Juicy Juice does.

It’s not even that, though. If people truly are brainwashed into thinking that a cleanse will behoove their bodies, then more power to them. In fact, perhaps it actually could help from a mental health standpoint. If we think they are improving our health, then sometimes we can trick our brain into thinking we actually are.

But what bothers me most is how excited people get at the prospect of going on a cleanse. They’ll think they’ve learned some type of secret that few people know about, and that they have suddenly figured out the meaning of life. They’ll chatter about it excitedly and recite all of the benefits it has, pretending like they actually know what they’re talking about instead of repeating something they memorized from a website.

But in my humble opinion, cleanses are just for people who are too lazy to exercise. It’s a shortcut. Instead of waking up in the morning and running a few miles, they order a pack of juice, mixed with maple syrup and cayenne pepper, and think they are two weeks away from becoming a model on a Jenny Craig commercial.

I understand people who deprive themselves from food for religious reasons. Because that is something that they believe in. But to do it because you think it’s healthy, well that’s just idiotic. I know people fear overeating, but along the way, people also forget that there is a reason why we eat in the first place: to keep living.

I’d imagine the completion of a cleanse would have the opposite of the desired effect. Instead of being energetic and agile, the cleanser would feel weak, malnourished and sickly.

If cleansing was universally proven to be effective, then doctors would recommend it. Instead, they warn against it. And they know more than us.

I’m all for dieting, exercise and nutrition, but, cleansing is basically a form of self-abuse. People who do it should be looked upon with the same negative stigma as people who cut themselves with razor blades.

But, you know what? Maybe I shouldn’t be so critical without trying it myself. So, I’ve just decided that, this weekend, I am going to go on a cleanse.

A beer cleanse.

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