It’s November 7 and I already hate ‘Movember’

Finally, finally, we have a month.

After the endless barrage of pink that is October, there is a month of the year that is devoted solely towards raising awareness about the health challenges that men face.

And of course, I mean no disrespect to women. That our country unites so strongly behind breast cancer prevention is a testament to just how much we care as a whole about helping one another. That being said, by mid-September, I’ve already seen more pink than I ever needed to in my lifetime.

By the end of September, I always find myself wondering why there isn’t a similar month dedicated to men’s health? It’s not like we don’t have our own illnesses that could potentially kill us. We’re vulnerable to disease and infections too!

Well, today I learned that there is something. And we can all breathe easy, because, ladies and gentlemen, November is officially the month of the man. That’s right, you heard correctly. But we’re not calling it November anymore, instead it’s … it’s —

Wait, what? Am I hearing that correctly?

Aw, fuck.

How does that old saying go? “Be careful what you wish for”? Because if you’re not, then you’ll end up with … Movember.

Apparently, men are supposed to go the entire month of November without shaving their mustaches, at the same time start their own fundraising page on Us.Movember.com, which, in turn, uses the money to support programs that combat prostate and testicular cancer.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s no doubt that this is a very good thing. I applaud every single male who is participating in this endeavor. But do we really think that low of the masses in our society that we had to change the name of a month to get people to jump on board? Even Breast Cancer Awareness Month doesn’t go that far. Did you hear anyone walking around encouraging others to call it “Boobtober?”

I’m as susceptible to testicular and prostate cancer as anyone else. There’s nothing special about me that makes me immune. But I hate this. And I’m not taking a stand against the purpose of Movember, but the name itself.

There’s also some weird misconception that growing an extra-lengthy mustache makes us look ‘manly.’ No, it does not. It makes us look like a member of a 1970s barber shop quartet. It makes us look like a Confederate war general. It makes us look like Rollie Fingers.

Pink is a color that is universally embraced by women. And it’s a perfectly nice color that looks good on them. But mustaches are not universal for men. In fact, most men look stupid with normal-sized mustaches, let alone giant handlebar mustaches.

Wearing pink makes girls look vibrant and effervescent. Going a month without shaving their mustache makes men look homeless.

The nickname is not creative, either. All that was done was replacing the ‘N’ in November with the first letter of the word “mustache.” Other than that, there is absolutely no similarity. I mean, it would have been more creative to hail December as Testicular Cancer Awareness Month and coin it Dickcember.

I long for the day when gimmicks are no longer needed to get people to care about saving other people’s lives. But in the meantime, I suppose having any month at all to raise awareness for men’s health is better than having none. Because as we all know, men’s rights have really been a struggle in this country.

Oh well, at least all these hairy, repulsive men will make it easier for the clean-shaven folk like me to attract girls this month!

Even I laughed as I typed that.

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