Let’s face it. Eating Taco Bell is blissfully enjoyable in only two contexts.
a) As a high school student eating it during your “off period.”
b) Shitfaced at 3 a.m.
In the first scenario, we’re young and really just don’t care about too many things, our health included. All we know is that a Cheesy Gordita Crunch taste pretty goddamn good, and there’s something oddly cathartic about cramming one down your throat on a Tuesday afternoon in the 45 minutes between physics and European history class.
In option two, we also don’t care about too many things, but that’s because our ability to make logical, sound decisions has been corrupted by hours of binge drinking. And scarfing down that Doritos Locos Taco after seven Budweisers and four Jameson shots tastes like a sirloin steak at the Four Seasons.
Not to say that Taco Bell doesn’t taste good during other times, but that feeling is also usually accompanied by unpleasant sensations like remorse, self-loathing and diarrhea, to name a few.
There’s plenty of reasons why people actively decide to avoid Taco Bell. The main one being that they want to convince themselves that they are eating healthy. But people forget that if you enter a “healthier restaurant” and order shitty food, it’s really not that much better. Eating a foot-long chicken and bacon ranch sandwich from Subway is not quite an upgrade.
It’s also extremely unflattering to tell somebody that you just ate at Taco Bell. Nobody ever responds to that by saying, “Oh really? That’s awesome! What’d you order?”
I know that’s just a typical, self-conscious viewpoint and that none of should care about what other people think of our food choices, but heck, even at 6:30 p.m., right in the heart of dinnertime, when my stomach is rumbling like an earthquake on the San Andres Fault, I still will go through great lengths to avoid eating Taco Bell. And if I do eat there for whatever reason, you’re damn well right I am going to lie about it.
But guess what? For those who do succumb to their lowly desires of eating Taco Bell, now you have even more reason to become ashamed of yourself. They’re serving breakfast!
Beginning March 27, from 7 to 11 a.m., Taco Bell will expand its menu to include meals like the waffle taco, the A.M. Crunchwrap and breakfast burritos.
At any time between 7 and 11 a.m., I’d be ashamed to even pull into a parking lot that contains a Taco Bell. Even if my true destination was to the strip club, err, I mean … the gym. I don’t go the strip club in the morning. Anymore.
But seriously, as negative of a stigma that eating at Taco Bell already has, how could eating breakfast there possibly be any better? I’d say that this is the reason why Americans are so fat, but the sad truth is that most Americans are probably excited by this news, and that’s the real reason why Americans are so fat.
Come March 27, I wouldn’t be surprised if traffic jams plagued the Unites States during the morning commute because Taco Bell drive-thru lines become so backed up that they filter out onto the streets.
Although, all sins would be forgiven if they brought back the “Yo Quiero Taco Bell?” chihuahua. That thing probably represented the highlight of American pop culture as we all know it. Why did they take that away from us?
I also just thought of something. If I were to go on an all night bender until 7 a.m., and then went to Taco Bell, would that qualify as a legitimate excuse to try the A.M. Crunchwrap?
These are the dreams I strive for rather than trying to better my career and income.