I love when people pretend they have a chance with newly single celebrities

Earlier today, “news” broke that celebrity power couple Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow are separating after nearly 11 years of marriage.

Martin, of course, is the frontman of the internationally renowned British rock band Coldplay, while Paltrow is an Academy Award winning actress whose career has spanned more than two decades. Both are extremely good looking.

Within minutes of this major announcement, Facebook News Feeds across the country became littered with statuses by delusional boys and girls, making subtle to not-so-subtle remarks about they now “have a chance” with either of these globally famous, Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrowculturally iconic celebrities who, again … are extremely good looking.

I know it’s all make believe. I get that.

But what I also know is that these people, somehow, some way, in the furthermost depths of their mind, believe it’s possible. That they — miraculously — think they can have a chance encounter with either Chris Martin or Gwyneth Paltrow and convince them that they should be together forever.

Because then why even bother saying anything about it at all?

It’s the delusional ones who form these impractical crushes on celebrities to begin with, so wouldn’t it only be logical to believe they would take it one step further when that celebrity suddenly becomes single? And not only that, but actually believe that fate intervened to form a wedge between the couple and break them up … for them?

I long ago came to the conclusion that famous people are not as attractive as people think. Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are bad examples of this because, well, they’re extremely good looking, but the reason why people fall in love with celebrities is because they’re constantly looking at them. In movies. In magazines. On the Internet.

The more you look at some one, the more you examine their looks, and conclude what you think of them.

If I were to become famous tomorrow, I’d have girls drooling for me. And I’m not even that handsome. But suddenly, I’d be in the consciousness of hundreds of thousands of women, all of whom are now going to form a judgment. Even if a minuscule percentage were to find me attractive, that would still equate to a lot of people.

This same formula goes for every one in the world who doesn’t look like Rocky Dennis.

Don’t be delusional, people. Falling in love with celebrities is for weaklings. And thinking you have a legitimate chance to be with them is just one step shy of the loony bin.

Those people who are already practicing their pickup lines for Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow seem to conveniently forget that they have a daughter, Apple, and a son, Moses. So if you somehow defied the natural order of the world and did obtain one of them as your significant other, it means you are now a surrogate parent responsible for the well-being of two kids under the age of 10.

Be careful what you wish for. Because getting with your celebrity crush could also mean finding yourself in Toys R’ Us on a Saturday afternoon buying Hess trucks for your new son Moses.


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