What’s the number one rule of attending a house party?
No, it’s not to feed as many shots as possible to your designated driver. Nor is it to stand on a table with your shirt off and shout “jagerbombs!” at the top of your lungs.
The number one rule of a party is to not fall asleep.
By doing so, you’re subjecting yourself to ridicule and public shaming. You’re giving free rein for the other partygoers to embarrass you, by taking compromising photos or drawing on your face, and, with social media, who knows how much further it will go from there.
Any one who’s been to college, or a party, or just had friends understands the consequences that come with falling asleep in a public forum. If it happens to you, you have to take it. And then when it’s the other way around, and your friend falls asleep, you get to be the mischief-maker.
It’s a part of life.
But one guy apparently never got that memo. A New York Yankees fan, named Andrew Rector, decided to sue Major League Baseball and ESPN for $10 million after he was shown on live television asleep at a baseball game in April.
The grounds for his lawsuit is that the footage and subsequent public reaction caused emotional distress.
Ladies and gentleman. America.
This lawsuit will go nowhere. But it’s still infuriating. Firstly, if you watch the clip, which is in the link above, you’ll see that the ESPN announcers, Dan Schulman and John Kruk, made no disparaging remarks regarding Rector’s appearance.
He is a fat man. He’s also taking up two seats. Yes, that is the subtext of the whole ordeal — and why it’s so hilarious — but Kruk and Schulman basically just playfully mocked him for coming to a baseball game and, instead of watching it, falling asleep. That’s it.
And yet, he sued. By virtue of that lawsuit, he opened himself up to even more mockery. Including mine right now.
If I fell asleep at a baseball game, and I learned that I was shown on national television, I would be thrilled. I would poke fun at myself, and have no problem being known as “the dude who fell asleep at Yankee Stadium.” I’d spend the rest of my life milking that. I’d write my own memoir. I’d take a tour of all 30 baseball stadiums and try to fall asleep in all of them.
I’d produce my own line of baseball sleeping bags.
But Andrew Rector apparently doesn’t know how to take a joke.
He was on The Today Show earlier this week, and Matt Lauer basically tore him apart, albeit in the most polite way possible. He asked Rector if he is planning to go ahead with the lawsuit, even calling it “not the most well-crafted lawsuit I’ve ever seen,” and essentially, looked like he wanted to laugh in his face the entire time.
The guy deserves all of the ridicule he is getting because the lawsuit was basically a self-fulfilling prophecy. If he just let it go, nobody would have cared more than a week later. But by insinuating that his slumber was only funny because he’s fat, and bringing it to light in a lawsuit, it’s only provoking people to make fun of his weight.
All I know is that next time he falls asleep, somebody better smear Fluffernutter on his face and put his hand in warm water.