Taylor Swift will restore peace in the Middle East, and the worst Valentine’s Day couples movie ever

It seems like nothing the United States has tried so far to stop ISIS, the Islamic militant group that’s claimed territory in Syria and northern Iraq, has worked.

President Obama has ordered air strikes. He’s authorized the distribution of weapons to countries fighting them. He’s also backed a coalition of Middle Eastern countries who are against the group.

Taylor Swift IsraelThis week, he submitted legislation to Congress to allow American troops to enter the conflict on the ground for special missions and hostage situations.

But who knows if that we’ll work. ISIS deviates from the stereotypes of other Islamic terrorist groups in that they don’t operate from caves. They have seized cities, are organized, wealthy, and have soldiers fighting for them from 80 different countries.

So what’s the next logical solution for stopping them?

Why, you send in Taylor Swift, of course.

As of now, this is just a juicy rumor, but it appears that Taylor Swift will be performing a concert in Israel this summer. The international pop superstar is taking her next tour across Europe, including a stop in the Middle East. For one night, Israelis can stop worrying about where the next attack is coming from, and enjoy a musical experience with Taylor Swift.

For one night, everybody will be feeling 22.

If this can’t restore peace and order in the Middle East, then what will? Who knows, maybe — just maybe — the show will bring people together who otherwise never would have been in the same room. Perhaps an IDF soldier will look to his left and see an ISIS militant rocking out to “Black Space,” and they’ll share a moment of realization.

They’re not so different. Yes, they believe in very different ideologies and faiths, but they’re united by Taylor freaking Swift.

Nothing else has worked there, so why not? After decades of conflict, maybe it will only take a magical concert to make everyone realize that we’re all human beings who simply want to spend the night dancing shamelessly to “Shake It Off.”

So since Taylor is obviously my Valentine this year, that’s an easy transition into my next topic.50-shades-grey

Valentine’s Day is Saturday. And I just have one question.

Why is this holiday’s big romantic blockbuster a film about a physically abusive and emotionally destructive relationship?

I’ve never read 50 Shades of Grey, but I’ve heard enough about it to know it’s basically a twisted, sexually perverse tale of masochism, or basically the film version of the song “S&M” by Rihanna.

I can’t imagine how many couples who decide to see a movie on Valentine’s Day will watch 50 Shades of Grey thinking it’s a cute, sentimental romance, and will instead leave more petrified and afraid than Gloria Gaynor.

What happened to the generic, ensemble romantic comedy where there’s like 18 characters? Six of them are kids, four of them are gay, two are best friends who happened to realize they actually love each other, and one of them is Ashton Kutcher.

And the movie is given the most unimaginative name ever, like “Valentines Day.”

Hey, guess who was in that movie? Taylor Swift.

That’s what us bloggers call “coming full circle.”

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