A hotly contested topic in state governments across America is whether to legalize physician assisted suicide, which is when a medical professional provides a dying patient with the means to kill themselves.
Four states allow it: Oregon, Washington, Vermont and New Jersey. In Montana and New Mexico there is legal precedent allowing it. Worldwide, it is legal in the Netherlands, Luxembourg and Switzerland.
Here in New York, legislation was recently introduced in Albany to legalize it.
Euthanasia, meanwhile, is legal in the Netherlands, Belgium and Luxembourg, which means a doctor can be the one to administer it.
There’s obviously ethical and religious elements that determine how one feels about assisted suicide, but it’s an issue you probably can’t fully empathize with unless you or someone you love faces a terminal diagnosis.
But if you’re deathly ill, and live in a region that does not allow assisted suicide, then there is another solution. Go to Little Caesar’s.
A new deep dish pizza introduced by the restaurant chain has a crust made up entirely of bacon. Three and one half feet of bacon to be precise. It’s available for a limited time, costs 12 bucks, with each slice containing 450 calories.
It’s pretty amazing to me that governments are so adamant about protecting people by regulating guns and imposing laws on cigarettes, and yet, a restaurant can come along and basically start selling selling death on a tray and face no oversight whatsoever.
Now I know that one bacon-wrapped pizza is not going to do much harm. But the people who are more inclined to purchase this are likely to indulge more often in unhealthy foods. And that is exactly who Little Caesar’s is targeting. People who are slowly killing themselves by clogging their arteries with fat.
It’s not just Little Caesar’s, obviously, but this is just an extreme example of the gluttonous concoctions that some of these restaurant chains are coming up with in an attempt to outdo one another.
Bear in mind this pizza also doesn’t include whatever God forsaken topping you also choose to get. Why stop at bacon crust? Get bacon on top, too.
There is undoubtedly a bacon obsession in the United States, so I don’t blame Little Caesar’s for trying to capitalize on it. In fact, I’m surprised no other pizza restaurant came up with this idea first.
But why stop at bacon pizza? How about bacon-wrapped tacos? Bacon soup? What about taking bacon and wrapping it in more bacon?
That actually sounds pretty amazing.
So if you find yourself in an unfortunate circumstance where someone you know is terminally ill and no longer wants to live, but lives in one of the 46 states that forbids assisted suicide, just ask your physician where the nearest Little Caesar’s is located.
Or you could also just, like, get them a second pillow or something.