Forget bars or clubs, from now on, I’m partying with the Secret Service!

As much as we hate to hate admit it, we’ve all made poor decisions after a night of drinking.

Some mistakes are more innocuous than others, like texting an ex, or composing a melodramatic Facebook post at 3 a.m. as a desperate but all too transparent cry for attention.

And then there’s the more severe alcohol-fueled errors in judgment we commit from time to time, like getting behind a steering wheel, driving into a barricade on the grounds of our nation’s capital, and disrupting a bomb investigation in the wee hours of the night.


When it’s reached the point where tales of drunken escapades from Secret Service members sound no different than those of a college undergrad, then you know there is a problem.

Secret ServiceThe federal law enforcement agency tasked with protecting our president has faced heavy scrutiny lately for its off-hours conduct, and rightfully so. This latest blemish is yet another on a recent list of outlandish behavior mired by alcohol and prostitution.

On March 6, two agents, driving back to the White House after a night of drinking, crashed while trying to get past an entrance that was temporarily closed because of an investigation of a suspicious package.

Even as an isolated incident, this is bad. But combined with other misadventures — like in 2012 when a dozen agents were caught with prostitutes while on a drinking binge in Columbia; or last year, when two agents were sent home from Europe after one drunkenly passed out in a hotel hallway — it looks even worse.

And that’s not even considering the guy who jumped over the White House fence last fall and made it inside before he was finally apprehended.

The Secret Service is supposed to have an aura of invincibility that makes people revere the mere thought of them. With their sleek black and white ensemble, dark shades and covert nature, they should be akin to real life superheroes. Instead, as Politico wryly put it, they’ve become a Seth Rogen movie.

There’s no doubting the intense pressure these agents face on a daily basis. They’re job is to thwart threats to national security, and even take a bullet for the president, if need be. Each day for them is a real life episode of the show “24.” So how can you blame them for wanting to take the edge off with a drink?

We all have grandeur visions of what it’s like to really party. For some, it happens in college, when everyone’s young, immortal and impervious to hangovers. Others envision a nightclub rave or rooftop celebration in New York City.

I visualize an evening with the Secret Service.

And with my extensive drinking history since I turned 18, er — I mean, 21, I think I know where I’m applying for my next job.

I could not be more qualified.

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