If only our two-week disappearances could cause as much speculation as Vladimir Putin’s

If I fell off of the grid for two weeks, I think the only person who would wonder where I am is my cat Marbles.

And I don’t mean that in an entirely self-deprecating way, it’s just that two weeks isn’t long enough time to start calling for search parties to discover where I am. I’m sure a few people might think, “Hmm, I haven’t heard from that guy for a little while,” and then immediately lose interest once The Voice returns from a commercial break.

And I’m totally fine with that. If you’re not famous, or married, then it should be expected.

If I were to vanish without a peep for such a length of time, then it likely means I’m dead, or I don’t want to be found. Vladimir PutinSo either way, a lack of interest would make no difference.

I’d say it would take a good month for people beyond my inner circle to gain interest in my whereabouts if I were to go missing.

Russian President Vladimir Putin does not have that luxury.

His 10-day absence from the public eye caused a firestorm of rumors from international media, with speculation ranging from he’s violently ill, to being overthrown in a coup, to dead.

It was the most widely publicized leave of absence since Carmen Sandiego. Wait, is that too old of a reference for some people? OK, since Amy Dunne in Gone Girl. Except Putin didn’t leave behind an intricately-planned journal of lies in order to frame his significant other.

Or did he?

In a paradoxical away, political figureheads get more paparazzi than celebrities. If Adam Levine went AWOL for 10 days, would it be headline news? I say “paradoxical” because it is a politician’s job to constantly be in the spotlight, if for nothing else then to at least give the perception that they are proactive.

Putin reappeared on Monday, by the way, so you can all take a deep breath. My cat Marbles, meanwhile, remains indifferent. And wants to be fed. Like now.

Speaking of wanting to be fed, it’s been a rough go of it lately for the people of Vanuatu, an island country in the South Pacific VanuatuOcean, east of Australia. No, they haven’t been overrun by koala bears, but rather, a cyclone has demolished 90 percent of its infrastructure and displaced 132,000 people — about half of its population.

My question: Where’s the benefit concert? America jumps at the opportunity to stage an enormous, star-studded musical spectacle whenever a storm hits our own country — take Hurricanes Katrina and Sandy for instance — but when an island nation like Vanuatu is completely decimated, we just shrug it off?

I think the problem is that there’s not enough famous Vanuatans in America.

At least when an earthquake destroyed Haiti five years ago, we had Wyclef Jean to remind us that Haiti is a country that we should care about. Heck, he got a shitload of singers together to remake “We Are the World” exclusively for Haiti.

We can’t even remake a Backstreet Boys song for Vanuatua, or something? “I Want it That Way for Vanuatu?”

Tell me why this can’t happen.

Because doing nothing ain’t nothing but a heartache. Or a mistake. I never wanna hear you say we’re not doing it that way.

OK I’m done.

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