Starbucks’ epic fail, and even more reason to never want to go to Utah

Race together.

Those were the words Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz encouraged his baristas to write on customers’ cups last week in an attempt to open a dialogue about race inside of his coffeehouses.

After facing severe criticism, Starbucks ended the campaign on Sunday, allowing its employees to go back to their usual method of misspelling all of its customers’ names. They probably would have screwed up “Race Together,” too, and instead wrote something like Run Tomorrow. Or Rough Tomato. Or Roman Tomahawk.

The backlash centered on the fact that nobody wants to be schooled about racial equality while waiting on line for their $4.50 coffee at 7:30 in the morning. It’s a bit of an ostentatious thought that Schultz believed his corporation is powerful enough to become a pioneer on race relations by simply writing two words on a cup.

Race togetherI find the whole thing ironic, and not because of an unequal distribution of the skin colors of its patrons, but because there might be no greater haven of racism than inside of a Starbucks.

Think about it. When have you ever walked into one of their coffee shops, marched right to the counter, ordered your drink, received it within seconds, and left happily?

Instead, a visit is more likely to involve a several-minute wait while some dude orders eight coffees for his entire office. After that, your order will either be completely wrong, at worst, or amiss just enough to piss you off, at best — seriously, “room for milk” means that I would like to put more than a single drop of milk inside my coffee.

Since there’s nothing worse in life than waiting on a line, there is a furor of hatred boiling in every single person’s mind while they wait their turn. They may not look it on the surface, but inside, they’re shouting obscenities, profanities, and just straight verbally abusing everybody that’s in front of them.

And because it’s all internal, then people have no reason to filter their thoughts to exclude racism. Therefore, you will not find a more racist group of people in any given two block radius than inside of a Starbucks. And I say that because there is a Starbucks within every two blocks.

So yes, let’s race together — whatever the hell that means — just not inside of a Starbucks.

Speaking of racial diversity: Utah.

Also known as the land of Mormons, Mitt Romney and for being a short road trip away from Las Vegas.

Oh, and one more thing — firing squads. firing squad

Utah is one of 32 states that allows the death penalty. As a further assurance to enforce this punishment, Governor Gary Herbert signed a law on Monday approving the use of a firing squad when no drugs are available, something that no other state does.

Following their lead, Minnesota just approved death by hanging, Georgia brought back the guillotine, and Maine legalized the Hunger Games.

Does Utah consider it that much of a priority to eliminate their deadliest criminals that they felt compelled to channel the year 1942? It’s such an antiquated practice that if you search “firing squad” on Google images, nine of 10 results are in black and white.

This is 2015. Liberals are calling for the complete eradication of guns, and yet, Utah just turned their state into the final scene of Paths of Glory. Bit of a spoiler there if you’ve never seen it.

Good luck selling tourism there, now. Maybe the Utah Jazz can be the ones to carry out the sentence. Given their ability to successfully shoot a basketball the past decade, it’s probably your best chance of living.

Utah jokes are way too easy.

I’m just firing them off, one by one.

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