Wednesday night showed why we will miss Jon Stewart

The Daily Show has become such a fixture in American culture that we take it for granted. It’s like the air we breathe, or the gravity that keeps us grounded. We’re happy it’s there, but we have no clue what we would do without it.

Actually, yeah I do. We’d die. And while the departure of the Daily Show will not kill us, it will definitely leave a gaping hole in American lore.

Jon Stewart has what others lack in this increasingly politically correct, buddy-buddy world of broadcast journalism — audacity, courage, fearlessness.

He’s not afraid to take someone to task if the situation calls for it. And we need that. The average American does not care about things that matter. Not at all. That indifference allows political pundits to run rampant on major news stations unchecked.

Judith-Miller-and-Jon-StewartSomebody needs to look out for us. And that man is Jon Stewart. He’s been doing it for 18 years.

Stewart is hanging it up in August. And with just three months of shows left, it’s led some to believe that maybe he’s mailing it in, already looking ahead to his retirement.

After Wednesday night, I don’t think anybody will be saying that anymore.

His guest was Judith Miller, the disgraced former New York Times columnist who reported several stories in the early 2000s about Iraq having weapons of mass destruction, helping fuel a narrative that essentially led to the Iraq War. The New York Times later said that many of the “facts” Miller reported turned out to be untrue.

At the beginning of the interview, Stewart opened by saying, “I believe that you helped the administration take us to the most devastating mistake in foreign policy that we’ve made in, like, 100 years … but you seem lovely.”

After continuing to grill her for 15 minutes, Miller did nothing but make excuses for her reporting. By its end, Stewart was clearly upset and pained, lamenting how nobody is willing accept responsibility for a war that never needed to happen.

You don’t see this anywhere else.

I hope people appreciate him while’s he’s still here. Because our country is losing a true hero.

But don’t worry, I’ll stick around for you guys.

Man, the drop-off from Jon Stewart to me is even worse than the drop-off from Bob Barker to Drew Carey on The Price is Right.

Bud Light, promoting non-consensual sex since 2015

For the past year, Bud Light has been doing its best Snapple impersonation and putting hundreds of different messages on its bottles.

You may recognize the campaign, called #UpForWhatever, from their absurd commercials that start with a dude drinking a Bud Light and ending with him playing ping pong against Arnold Schwarzenegger, or in a life size Pac-Man game.

Because, naturally, those are the dream endgames for all drinkers. If everything goes perfectly, we’ll find ourselves at table suited perfectly for beer pong, but instead using to it play a non-drinking sport against a 67-year-old man. Or, we’ll be stuck in a narrow-walled death trap being chased by nightmare-inducing hologram ghosts.

Who wouldn’t want to drink Bud Light?!

Bud Light adBud Light ad2Bud Light3With this campaign — clearly geared towards people who like to get shitfaced drunk and make poor decisions — Bud Light was already kind of ignoring the beer company oath of “please drink responsibly.” It’s the one piece of tangible advice that we are supposed to get from the companies that make liquid poison.

Bud Light then took it one step further. Of its hundreds of messages they were putting on their bottles, one of them read: “The perfect beer for removing ‘no’ from your vocabulary for the night.”

After reading it, everyone else in the world saw what Bud Light somehow failed to see — that you can’t read that sentence and not immediately think of rape.

This mantra isn’t coming from a friendly romantic comedy starring Jim Carrey that encourages people to say yes to everything. It’s on beer  — an ingredient for date rape. The only thing worse would be putting the slogan on a jar of roofies. Or on Bill Cosby’s t-shirt.

In a statement, Anheuser-Busch, which owns Bud Light, said this message “missed the mark.” Yeah, no shit. We all know it was not Bud Light’s intention to encourage unsafe sex. But failing to foresee this reaction was a giant fail.

Plus, nobody is drinking Bud Light for the sense of adventure. They’re doing it because they have no standards for shitty beer.

Here’s some more appropriate slogans they should put on their bottles:

“The perfect beer for when you haven’t drank enough variety to understand what real beer tastes like.”

“The perfect beer for when your cheap ass can’t resist the ’30-pack for $12.99′ sign.”

“The perfect beer for when you’re wondering what your piss would taste like with a little added carbonation.”

Besides, any one who is seeking a night of adventure will completely bypass beer altogether — let alone Bud Light — and go straight to mushrooms. Now there’s a drug that will take the word ‘no’ out of your vocabulary. If you’re brave enough to digest something that is grown using cow manure, you’re willing to do practically anything.

Or so I’m told.

FHM provided today’s distraction from the Baltimore riots

Rioting is still in full force in Baltimore. People are throwing rocks, demolishing cars and looting stores. Even the firefighters responding to arson are getting attacked, by all accounts.

It’s just a bad situation. It’s a blemish on our fine country, even if the people doing the rioting have a point to make.

But no one likes to think about this. If only there was just something, anything, that could come along and distract us. Like, for example, a list of the world’s sexiest women.

Thank you, FHM.

Michelle KeeganThe online publication, whose acronym nobody has any idea what the hell it stands for, compiles a user-voted list annually of the most attractive females in the world. And then they post extremely provocative photos of the women who make it. I approve.

Everyone likes to think in terms of lists now. We can thank Buzzfeed for that. People want their content ordered, ranked, and presented one by one. What better way to utilize that strategy then ranking the hottest women?

At the end of the day, this is all men really care about. Upon entering a room, our mind ranks the hottest girls that are inside of it. And only the average-looking to hot ones are even eligible. If you’re not good looking, you’re basically just an insignificant piece of the landscape, like a lamp. I’d apologize for being so brash, but if you’re a woman and you haven’t figured this out yet, then I don’t know what to tell you.

These lists follow the same methodology. It ranks one to 100. Even the hundredth girl on this list — last place — is the hottest girl in almost every room she stands in. We’re basically picking the best looking women out of a pool of women who already are so affirmatively hot that their attractiveness was never in doubt at any point of their life.

So who earned the top spot? Why, Michelle Keegan, of course!

Wait … who?

I can honestly say I have no idea who this is. So naturally I immediately desired to see at least 100 pictures of her at once, and decided that she is basically the British Mila Kunis. She topped Kendall Jenner and Jennifer Lawrence, who finished at Michelle Keegan2two and three, respectively.

I support it when a fresh face makes a mark on these lists. Celebrities known for their hotness lose their appeal over time. Jennifer Lawrence? Kate Upton? They’re so 2013. Their physical appeal has already been established, and we long for something different. So I know nothing about Michelle Keegan, and that’s exactly what I like about her.

Had the same old face claimed the top spot instead, I think I would have gone outside and tried to overturn a car, Baltimore style.

And then I would have probably thrown out my back.

I think rioting could actually be a new form of high-intensity exercise. Who needs CrossFit when you could strengthen your core by lifting heavy objects amid an angry mob? The adrenaline you’d get would push you to new heights.

You could even call the workout the BaltiCore.

The world was in need of a little comic relief, and Obama delivered

Things were definitely quiet on the news front in the world last week. A little too quiet.

Just look at my blog history from a week ago — I talked about two movies, an upcoming boxing match and rainbows. While the importance of those topics cannot be stressed enough, they don’t quite have the hard news bite that demands people’s attention.

But if there’s one inevitable truth in this world, it’s that after long, news will cometh.

At least 4,000 are dead in Nepal after a devastating 7.8 magnitude earthquake. More than 8,000 are injured. The entire region is in turmoil. One interesting piece of information I learned from this is that India, once an island, crashed into Asia 25 million years ago, and the two land masses continue to push against one another, creating an impact that causes massive earthquakes about every 75 years. The last major one was 81 years ago in 1934.

Barack Obama Addresses White House Correspondents DinnerIn Baltimore, protesters at the funeral of Freddie Gray — a 25-year-old black man who died mysteriously last week and has become the latest symbol of police brutality — have become so violent that Maryland’s governor activated the National Guard.

Since these are pretty devastating things to read about, I’m going to attempt to lighten the mood a bit. If you all click the “Skype” button at the top of the screen, you will be entertained by me doing a sock puppet performance that I personally took the time to film. Everyone ready?

Wait. There is no Skype button? That’s not actually a thing? I wish I knew that before I spent the last 20 minutes playing with sock puppets. I also spent two hours making them. I actually skipped work today to do that.

But you know who really can lighten the mood for us? President Obama.

While people across the country may have starkly differing views over his reign as president, one thing that I’ve come to realize is that the man gets funnier by the year. At the annual White House Correspondence Dinner, which is basically Washington D.C.’s version of a Comedy Central Roast, the president traditionally delivers his own monologue.

Each year, Obama is funny. But this past weekend, he took it to a whole new level. He was like Chris Rock funny. Like George Carlin funny. It’s clear that as his presidency comes to an end, any reservations he may have had about maintaining friendly ties with his peers is gone. He was no holds barred, and even called upon Keegan-Michael Key (of Key & Peele) to assist him at one point.

Saturday Night Live’s Cecily Strong was the evening’s host, and she was pretty good too, but was outshined by Obama.

It’s refreshing to say that our president provided comedic value and not mean it sarcastically. Because we got eight years of that from his predecessor.

I especially appreciate it because I’ve been providing comedic value for almost six years now. And that’s even without what would have been hailed as the sock puppet performance of a generation.

You’ll just have to imagine what it would have been like.

Eh. At this point … what’s one more Fast and the Furious movie?

I used to proclaim Fast and the Furious as the movie franchise that just won’t die.

That verbiage, of course, offered a cruel bit of irony when Paul Walker died a year and a half ago in a car accident. Yep, it’s been that long already.

I assumed that would effectively end the movies — in the last way that I wanted. I was hoping that the filmmakers would wake up one day and realize they’re making our country worse by continually producing movies in which half of its scripts consist of the words [car chase].

Even for action movies, the Fast and the Furious is very dumbed down. I know nobody watches them for their educational value, but at zero point during any of the seven movies do they even come close to providing any semblance of cognitive stimulation whatsoever. They’re also obnoxiously loud.

Fast and the FuriousBut then the lead actor died, and they still somehow managed to overcome it and release Furious 7 earlier this month. It was a nice final hurrah for Paul Walker, seeing as this was the franchise that really defined his career. It was the perfect ending. Tyrese could go back to making music that no one will listen to, Jordana Brewster could go back to working at Target, and Vin Diesel could permanently become Groot.

No one would have questioned it if the movies stopped. It was expected. How could you go on without Paul Walker? It would be like making another Lord of the Rings without Frodo.


…Sorry, just thinking about that prospect gets me worked up. And the Hobbit doesn’t count. it’s a prequel.

Anyway, apparently I was naive. Why would the untimely death of a franchise’s lead actor end it altogether? How silly of me. Vin Diesel made it official today when he announced Furious 8 would be released in April 2017.

My reaction upon reading this news: “Another one? Are you kidd — eh, screw it. Who cares anymore.”

If people still want to go see these movies, then knock yourself out. Clearly they have a giant fan base because Furious 7 grossed a billion dollars. A billion.

It’s pretty sad knowing that a movie can gross 10 figures simply by virtue of its title. A kindergartner could have written Furious 7 and it still probably would have made almost as much money.

And the typical person who went to see it probably wouldn’t even be able to tell the difference. The script could have been delivered to Vin Diesel in crayon and he wouldn’t have even thought twice about it.

Let’s just assume from now on that Fast and the Furious movies are a simple fact of life. Along with taxes, global warming, Kelly Clarkson being overweight and people posting their pets’ birthday celebration pictures on social media.

Welcome to 2015.

If you’re not excited for Pacquiao vs. Mayweather yet, then … carry on.

What happens when an immovable object meets an unstoppable force?

No, seriously. I’m actually asking. I’m not a scientist, so I have no clue.

But I can answer this question: What happens when elite boxers Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather meet each other in the ring, mono y mono, for one epic match?

You get a shitload of people talking about it.

Remember that whole boxing sport? It’s when two extremely athletic and muscular people wear shorts and gloves and punch the crap out of one another. It used to be pretty big.

BoxingIt’s pretty hilarious that, with all of the talk of football and concussions, people have pretty much just left boxing alone. While getting hit in the head is a consequence of playing football, the actual aim of boxing is to bash your opponent in the head — and hard. But it’s so obvious that no one even bothers justifying it.

if you’re a boxer, you pretty much do it with the understanding that you’re sacrificing at least 20 years worth of lucid, cognitive thought from your life.

When it comes to the popularity of boxing, I can only speak for my generation as a 28-year-old, but it feels like society has long craved a preeminent fight.

We grew up hearing about Muhammad Ali, Joe Frazier, Rocky Marciano, and Sugar Ray Leonard. We’ve all pretended to spar with our siblings and friends and yelled “Down goes Frazier!” And we love boxing movies — Rocky, Cinderella Man, Raging Bull.

We got a glimpse of Mike Tyson vs. Evander Holyfield, but that was 18 years ago, and completely overshadowed by cannibalism.

And now, we have Pacquiao and Mayweather on May 2. Is it the prolific match we always dreamed of? A reiteration of the Rumble in the Jungle? No. But it’s the two most hyped boxers of the present, and it’ll do.

For the first time in almost two decades, watching a boxing match will be “the thing to do” on a Saturday night. Everyone will be tuning in, and therefore, you have to also. Unless you’re an uber pacifist, and if that’s the case, you can spend the night in the other room as everyone else and macrame yourself a nice little sweater.

A lot of the hype is clearly forced. Just because the two boxers are big names, it by no means guarantees an exciting match. So it’s not like you really need to totally immerse yourself in it if you don’t want to.

That being said, I think people forget how thrilling boxing can be when the two fighters are evenly matched. So if this bout lives up to the expectations, then I think a lot of people will rediscover a long lost love for the sport.

And it will only cost you … wait, what? Is that for real? This match costs $100 on pay-per-view?!?!

I’m not watching this shit.

If only everybody acted all of the time like they do when they see a rainbow

There are few things that evoke greater happiness in this world than the sight of a rainbow.

Even if it’s just momentary. I challenge any one in this world to look at a rainbow, and not feel the slightest improvement in their mood. It’s enough to make even the biggest sociopath’s lip curl a fraction of an inch in the direction of a smile. Robert Durst would even break into a song and dance number at the sight of one.

What’s not to like about rainbows? Their colorful, majestic, spontaneous and signify the end of a rainstorm while promising sunnier skies. They immediately bring up images in our minds of unicorns, leprechauns, pots of gold, green meadows and the show Reading Rainbow.

Whenever any one is asked to draw the ultimate peaceful environment on a piece of paper, nine out of ten times that drawing will include a rainbow.

Quadruple rainbowI’m not saying that the sight of rainbows is enough to make somebody happy for an entire day. It’s not like an 8 a.m. glimpse of one is suddenly going to put you on cloud nine well into the evening. But it’s enough to lift your spirits for a moment, because they’re so just so darn pretty.

And in the course of a day, that’s enough. It’s the little things that can make all the difference.

Radiohead clearly had that in mind when they named their seven studio album In Rainbows. People also love the video game Rainbow Six.

Seriously, what’s better than rainbows?

Allow me to answer that myself. How about… A QUADRUPLE RAINBOW.

A quadruple rainbow is probably one of those things people imagine is possible, but never actually expect it to happen. Like a Chicago Cubs World Series. Or a threesome.

Except it did happen, on Long Island, on Tuesday morning. And people who were lucky enough to witness it posted all about it on social media. Which is fine. I mean, if Instagram exists for anything, it’s this. If I see another homemade dinner picture, or a blurry snapshot of the top of the Empire State Building, I’ll throw my phone. But a quadruple rainbow is something I actually want to see.

Imagine if a quadruple rainbow hovered in the air all of the time? ISIS would drop their guns. Smog would suddenly clear from Chinese skies. Republicans and Democrats would work together and basically every moment in life would equal the feeling you have when you first bite into a Devil Dog.

If only we could all harness that positivity and exude it for every moment of the day.

Unfortunately, it’ll only last as long as the next time I log onto Instagram and see a closeup of the unappealing deep dish pizza one of my friends made for dinner that night.

Alas, The Day of Four Rainbows is no more.