It ain’t easy being Jewish.
Criticism against us ranges from general stereotypes to fierce antisemitism. People still deny that the Holocaust ever happened. And not a day goes by when the existence of our homeland is not under constant threat.
But we do have one thing in life that makes it all OK — awesome food. Falafels, schwarma, matzo, latkes. I could eat that shit all day. All day, err day is what I think … nobody … says.
And what’s the common denominator that makes our food so good? Hummus.
Most Jewish stereotypes are hurtful and offensive. but one that is absolutely undeniable is that we do drench everything in hummus. And if you’ve ever had hummus before, then you wouldn’t question it. You know how happy you feel every Friday when you drive home from work? Well that’s how Jews feel every time we eat hummus.
Hummus is the only thing that is purer than Taylor Swift’s soul.
I’ve been to Israel and had hummus there. I have seen the Promised Land, and it’s everything you’d ever imagine. As long as we have hummus in our lives, we can tolerate all the other cruelty we face on a regular basis.
And now they’re trying to take that away from us.
Sabra, one of the most popular producers of hummus, just recalled 30,000 cases because they were found to contain traces of listeria, an extremely dangerous bacteria that kills 260 people per year.
Excuse me for a second.
*Goes outside, looks at the sky and yells, “WHY GOD WHY,” quietly composes himself and returns to computer.*
We don’t ask for much. We just want to live quiet lives, make some money, and eat our hummus. And now we can’t even have that.
The company notified its customers of the recall on its Facebook page, and all across the world, paranoid Jews are emptying their refrigerators like it’s the last day of college and their parents showed up in a minivan ready to take them home.
Telling Jews they have to dispose of their hummus is like telling someone from New Jersey to ditch their tanning oil. You just don’t do it.
Hamas is supposed to be our enemy, not hummus! This whole thing is backwards.
It’s OK, though. Like all major catastrophes we’ve faced, we will beat this. We shall overcome.
By the way, I mentioned Taylor Swift before, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t send my best wishes to her mother, Andrea, who was recently diagnosed with cancer.
Taylor has done nothing her entire career but care about her fans. So it’s the least we can do to comfort her during these trying times. #PrayForMamaSwift.
Hummus, and Andrea Swift, will come back stronger than ever.